thoughts too inappropriate for FB

I kind of stopped putting anything too personal about my weight loss journey on FB because I think it just makes people feel awkward. I made this blog for my own venting purposes so I try not to screen my thoughts too much.

I feel like I've had so many debbie downer posts lately and someone is going to send me a personal message with one of those hotlines for people showing signs of major depression. don't worry, I'm ok, but just ok.

I would just like to say that I have an amazing body. I have a body that out of the blue gains 4.5 pounds overnight. I'm not lying. (That was from last night to today, and no I didn't eat more than my usual 1400 calories) I feel like I did before I started synthroid, like my body is some detached unit that is out of my control. Sometimes I really honestly feel good about my progress- I feel stronger, leaner, and like I am making progress. Then there is the other 75% of my life where I feel 100% hopeless. I really want to give up.

I am really on the verge of quitting. I am on the verge of throwing my scale out the window and giving up on ever getting to a healthy enough weight to think about having a baby. I am on the verge of storming my endocrinologists office and getting in someone's face and asking them what in the heck is going on with my body, stealing all their products that may have ANYTHING to do with weight loss, or heck, even storming a plastic surgeon's office and tell them to give me the lyposuction gun and no one gets hurt. I'm about to write in to TLC for the medical mystery show.

I was telling Dan today that I really try so hard to see the positive, to believe things can get better, to have hope that I'll find something that works, heck, I did Medifast for 4 months and made a little bit of progress! I just keep this little glimmer of hope in the back of my mind that someday I will find the balance. Some day I will find the perfect way of eating, the perfect kind of exercise, and the perfect amount of sleep and suddenly I will see my body change.

At the end of our very tearful (I was doing the crying, he was doing the holding) conversation I told him that I honestly don't know if it is in the cards for me to be at a healthy weight. It just seems so out of reach. It seems so out of my control. It seems so so so far away. I just seems like that's not what my body wants to do. I can be healthy in other ways like in terms of fitness and eating habits but I really don't know if reaching a healthy weight is possible for me. I think if it was, I would be able to see teeny tiny bits of progress and I'm being honest when I say I have not seen any weight loss since April. that is a long long long time for a body to be stuck.

Ok, ok. Let me pull myself together. At the end of all this despair there has to be some light, right? Well I am digging deeper than I've dug yet on this journey and although there isn't much hope, there is a little bit. That's all I need, is a little hope. With this little bit of hope I contacted a personal trainer and coach that I trust and made an appointment for an assessment. I gave her my food and exercise journals for the past few months and I know she will help me tweak them. Let me put this disclaimer out there- I am not perfect. I have bad days. I eat birthday cake. BUT overall I think I am healthy a lot more often than not. I'm hoping she can point me in the right direction and set me up with a program that will at least change things up a bit.

On a final happy note, I did do an incredible hike this weekend. It was roughly 8 miles with quite a bit of elevation, maybe 3000 vertical?  and yes, it still hurts to go down stairs right now. Dan had to do his CNA clinicals so I went with my dear friend KC, Hollie's cousin actually, and it was so nice to talk about Hollie and remember her and remember all the good times the 3 of us had together.

At the top of the hike, there's a big spring and I found Dan's chemistry goggles in his backpack so I took these pictures more for him but they actually made me laugh today so I'm going to insert them in here to make me laugh again. Maybe I'll just wear those goggles for the next little while so I have something to distract me when I look at myself in the mirror.

The D*A*M*N scale

I cleaned out my closet yesterday and realized that my jeans from the fall/winter of 2010 can go on and off while they are buttoned. That was pretty sweet. I wish I was more excited than I am. I've just had a hard time staying motivated because I feel like I'm working out so hard and it's taking so long!!! Seriously. I cannot seem to get that damn scale to budge and yes it requires strong language. Sorry mom.

I know I shouldn't compare myself to anyone else but man, but I have weighed in the same 2 pound range for like 3 months now. Yeah yeah, my body composition changed a lot but for my mental health I really want to weigh less than 200 pounds. Just when I get down to 200.5, it seems like the next day I'm 202 again and then back down and then back up. It has been this way FOREVER it seems. 

Sometimes I just want to cry because I'm doing all the necessary work and living a more healthy lifestyle than I have lived in years. I track everything I eat. I balance my food groups. I drink my water. I work out extra hard if I indulge a little too much. I feel like throwing in the towel sometimes. I know I am not perfect and that when there is a birthday, I eat cake, but come on!!! After I ate the cake I rode my bike for 2 hours. 

I'm really hoping when I go get my body comp tested he tells me I've lost so more body fat or else this girl is going to break down at the rec center and start crying on the floor, kicking and screaming, and saying "WHY ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

My attitude is just a little fragile and it has been for a couple of months. I get excited about my progress then I get pissed off at the scale. I get excited about my fitness and then I see a picture of myself with a huge gut hanging out. I just get tired of it. I think people who have crappy eating habits and don't exercise should be where I'm at and people who work out like me and eat like I do should at least weigh less than 200 pounds. Sorry if anyone came to this blog for inspiration today, I don't have any. The more I am typing the more mad I'm getting so I better just stop. Maybe my sense of perspective is just jacked and I shouldn't expect so much. 

Get Ready to PARTY

So I have been recovering from my disappointments that took place during the month of February and part of March. Without rehashing my disappointments I am going to say this-

I am making progress


I am down almost 20 pounds


I have pants that are too big to wear


I can do boy push-ups


I have not had cookies in almost 3 months


My skin is more clear


I sleep better


I am getting close to one of my goals- being in the 100's


I have been focusing on all the things that haven't been happening rather than looking at all the positive things that have been happening. I know a few people who always have something to complain about and something that is negative and they see their glass as half-empty. I like to think I am a half-full kind of person but lately I am throwing glasses against the wall while saying swear words and screaming that even if there was water to fill the stupid glass up with, I wouldn't want it anyway. Metaphorically speaking of course.

So here's the weight loss update. I am 3.5 pounds away from being out of the 200's. My progress is slow but my battle right now isn't whether or not I am losing weight like it was for the last year. My battle now is 100% mental. I have been told that this is normal.

I am no stranger to weight loss. I successfully lost 60 pounds during my undergrad and kept it off for about 5 years. It has just been about 3 years since I have even been able to lose weight so I kind of forgot the mental battles that happen once you actually start losing weight.

My most common battle is fighting expectations. I think since I am paying a significant amount of my monthly food delivery, I expect fast results, key word being FAST. What I wasn't prepared for was slow and steady results, key word being SLOW.

I just had these huge expectations to lose like 20 pounds in a month or lose 12 pounds every month. Well...I am down 18.5 after almost 10 weeks. So on average that is 1.8 pounds a week. Why in the heck am I so disappointed with that? That is HUGE. I remember being really excited to lose 4-6 pounds a month at weight watchers. I think it's the whole cost and expectations thing that has had me in such a slump.

Dan and I have been very blessed in our first year of marriage considering I was still in graduate school until December and he is hopefully starting graduate school soon as well. Neither of us have degrees that lead right into a 60K/year salary....or bachelor degrees that really help us get high paying jobs....BUT we are both hard workers who live on a budget and because of that we feel very very blessed financially even though most likely make less than most people who read this blog.

That being said it is a sacrifice for us to pay for this program but it's a means to an end so that we can start trying to make babies. We used to budget $120/month on food for the two of us and yes, we have done that for our entire marriage even when our income tripled about 6 months into our marriage. Now, we budget $380/month for food so we can pay for the medifast. I put so much pressure on myself to get big results every week because of this financial aspect even though Dan assures me every month it is not a big deal and we still put money in our IRA every month and have plenty left over to save. Despite his reassurance I still have a hard time not putting pressure on myself to be losing massive amounts of weight.

I finally realized that is one of the biggest mental battles I am fighting right now. I still put pressure on myself to be "perfect" and unfortunately my body does not follow the "perfect" textbook way of weight loss and realistically it will take me twice as long to lose the same amount of weight as someone who doesn't share my stupid disease. I can't really control the rate at which I will lose weight but I can control how compliant I am with my program. It's not easy fighting myself and my own head.

I have been digging deep to discover the root of all my negativity and I believe it starts with all the pressure I put on myself and placing unrealistic expectations on myself.

My goal for the next month is to focus on the positive and focus on my accomplishments and really work on more positive self-talk. I better go to my lotus garden and do some sun salutations and meditate now.

No, really, I think the private conversations we have in our mind are powerful and can take us down a path of darkness and negativity, or we can change our way of thinking and work on being in a positive, hopeful place. I choose to be hopeful. I choose to be positive. I choose to love myself.

The burning eyes

Dang it! I thought for sure today I would be able to say the sun came out and I was done being stuck under the rock feeling sorry for myself, grumpy, and missing my homeland. I had a wonderful time teaching lessons yesterday and thought the rain cloud over my head was disappearing. My sweet husband even told me a little white lie after work and told me we were out of hot water so he had to wait to take a shower but that I should stay half asleep in bed because I have to get up so early. To my surprise, I walked into the kitchen this morning and the whole kitchen had been cleaned, dishes done and put away, and all the laundry was done. I have been in such a funk that I have let my housewife duties slide a bit. I went in to thank him at 5:45AM and he said he felt so bad for lying to me about being out of hot water when in reality he was cleaning the kitchen after a long night closing up the shop. I remember thinking it was strange we were out of hot water because I had started the laundry on COLD, but when you're half asleep you'll buy any story! It was the nicest surprise ever. I thought for sure my day would be nothing but sunshine and rainbows.

I went to my workout and it was so hard. I finally understand why people on the Biggest Loser start crying in the middle of their workouts. Our first interval was sprinting around the whole mini mall 2 times in 2 minutes. The bootcamp class takes place in Orem in this big mini mall and it's in an L shape, so when I was informed I had 2 minutes to run around it 2 times I thought there was no way.

I surprised myself and actually did it! It was cold outside but I had a great view of the mountains and pushed myself as hard as I could. As soon as we walked in the doors we went to the next interval which was mountain climbers for a minute, 30 second break, and then pushing a giant metal thin with 50lbs of weight on it across the floor for a minute straight, then repeat. Have you ever seen people pushing around a stack of weights on the Biggest Loser? Yeah, now I know why they are dripping in sweat and looking like they are about to die. I pushed and pushed and kept pushing myself until I just started crying. My body got all shaky and I thought I was about to black out and then next thing I know there are tears running down my face.

I pulled it together and repeated the whole interval hoping my tears just looked like sweat but I just wanted to quit. I wanted to quit pushing around that stupid weight, quit holding the weight of my body up, and quit trying to conquer this beast.

Somehow I finished the workout and got home a little shaken up. I had my final fat blast contest results/award meeting and I was all excited because I KNOW I worked my butt off. I ate clean, I did my workouts, I did everything she told us to do and I guess I somehow thought that it was virtually impossible for anyone to have tried harder than me.

I assumed that I had gone above and beyond the call of duty and was eating so much less than the average person that there was no way anyone could have beat me. I sat there in the meeting and as our trainer started reading off the highest weight loss, highest body fat % lost, most inches lost, etc. I realized I had no chance. I could feel these stupid hot tears coming back in my eyes and I was terrified I was going to start bawling.

I wasn't going to cry because I lost, I was going to cry because I was reminded AGAIN that this is my reality and I'm sick of it. I lost 6 pounds this month and the winner lost almost 14. I lost 0% body fat and the winner lost 7%. I lost a lot of inches everywhere but still not enough to even put on the honorable mention list. Here I am in a group of women that have less weight to lose than me, and they still get faster, more dramatic results than me. I have such a hard time being excited about my progress when I KNOW how hard I have worked, how much I have sweat, how careful I have been with my eating, and yet I am still not physically able to achieve what as much as a disease-free person.

I had to sit through pictures, awards, and chatting all while fighting back these tears. I thought for sure I was going to have to run out of the room like a drama queen and everyone would think I was bawling because I didn't win. Sometimes it would just be easier to wear a sign on my head that says, "don't judge me, I have Hashimoto's."

I got to my car and lost it big time. I think I scared Dan. I hate losing it so bad that I hyperventilate. I hate it. It is exhausting. It took me a long time to calm down and pull myself together. After a long discussion I realized that I keep forgetting that I have health issues, and that my health issues are so random and so mysterious that I don't even want to acknowledge that the might be impeding my progress because honestly, I have no 100% proof why my progress is so unpredictable.

I just feel so confused and so worn out and so tired of fighting this battle. I'm not giving up, but I'm tired of having to do EXTREMES to get results. The fat blast program was very similar to what I was doing when I was gaining weight each week and to hear that one woman lost almost 14 pounds following the program and I had gained 15 doing a similar program is just freaking devastating.

People that are overweight are easy to judge. It's easy to assume someone is cheating on their diet or lying about how much they eat. I've done that plenty of times- been the judger and the cheater. I have definitely had my moments of poor eating choices and cheated on diets and everything else under the sun. But I have also been dedicated and NOT done any of those things. I know how I have been for the past few months and it is so frustrating that even with my dedication and hard work I will never achieve what I would be able to achieve if I didn't have the mystery disease.

Needless to say I'm never participating in a weight loss contest again. I just can't compete. Dan said it's like a special Olympian competing in the regular Olympics, it's just not fair! It's hard to stay motivated. It is hard to be excited about my results because I know my biggest problem is that I am comparing myself to other people. I just don't think of myself as having a "disease" or health issues that might affect my weight. I just assume that I am on thyroid medication and that should make everything fine and dandy and back to normal. I just have so many unanswered questions about the whole thing.

I better figure out how to live with this though because it's going to be with me for the rest of my life. I will be fine. I will find a way, I always do. It might take me 2 years to lose the remaining 50-60 pounds I'd like to lose. It might take me 1 year, 6 months, who knows.  I might pull myself together over the weekend, afterall, I do have my piano recital this weekend those are always pure entertainment!

Plus, I do have a loving family and awesome friends who keep me going. Just so you all know, I read and cherish every comment you guys leave. I wish it was more like FB where I could respond to the comments individually, but I know if I leave a comment on someone's blog I never go back to see if there's a "response" comment, so sadly I don't always leave a response comment because I figure no one will ever read them! But thanks for your comments and support! It means the world to me and helps the clouds go away.

don't let this fool you, I had to get a picture of my amazing trainer, Christy, but I was on the verge of tears right now :(

Does the inside matter?

If you read this blog, you know I have been working hard to shrink. I've also been working hard to re-train my brain to love myself unconditionally, believe I am beautiful, reject the standards of beauty offered by the media, and work through so many emotional roadblocks that keep me from reaching my goal.

This is not easy. Two things have been on my mind lately. These are not necessarily related.

It was brought to my attention by a very very close friend who knew me all through high school, college, and post-college life, that I hid my insecurities and pain. She knows just about everything there is to know about the "softer" side of Steph and I don't mean my muffin-top.

This close friend confessed that she did not know I was insecure about my weight until years after high school. I honestly thought my friends and those around me knew how much I hated battling my weight. I really didn't know I hid it that well. To unintentionally hide it from someone who is one of my best friends made me wonder how I am actually perceived and if I habitually hide my real feelings. Why on earth would I do that? Hmmm.

I think it can be very scary to be honest about our insecurities. I don't always think it's healthy or appropriate to share all our insecurities to everyone we know. I do, however, think it's healing and cathartic to open up about things that cause us  pain and embarrassment. I am still in shock that I hid my biggest insecurities so well.

I explained to her that I was an unusual "fat" girl. I was unusual because I had (well, I still have) a personality that I feel is larger than life. I'm outspoken, usually outgoing, motivated, driven, and a goal oriented person. I was also very smart and very aware of my surroundings growing up. I am not sure if this is typical or not but I watched a lot of people and figured out what certain people did to be accepted and well-liked. I wanted to have friends because I thrive on being social. I was not a book worm or someone who found comfort in solidarity. I wanted to be surrounded by people, conversation, action, activities, and the excitement of high school.

I was smart enough to know that during jr. and high school years, a lot of people are judged by their looks. It is just the facts. I somehow knew that if I was quiet, soft spoken, and a wall flower, I would stay that way forever and I would never be happy. I knew that if I wanted people to look past my somewhat homely appearance (it's ok, I was a late bloomer, most of us were.) I had to work a little harder to get noticed. I think in working so hard to be happy, have friends, overcome my insecurities, and be part of the action, I put on a permanent happy face without even knowing it.

There were a select few who knew how I really felt about my weight, but the more people that discover I was insecure seem to be a little shocked. The paradox of this is that I did have happy, awesome, amazing, memorable times growing up, but when I reflect on my past, I see a very dark, depressed, insecure, sad girl who tried her very best to overcome these things on her own. I had a very tough time with this and perhaps I put my happiest face on around the people I wanted most to be my friends. I certainly didn't want to drag anyone down!

The reason it's healing for me to talk and write about these things is that it reminds me why I turned to food and "dishonest" behaviors often exhibited in addicts. Sometimes I felt like I was living a double life. Sometimes the pain of what I experiencing at home was so overwhelming that when I was at home or in private I was a very sad, angry, unpredictable kind of person but in public I put on my happy face for fear I would lose my friends or social life. When I say dishonest, I don't mean that I stole or lied, but that I wasn't true to myself or my feelings all the time and I was dishonest with myself about overeating.

I know this kind of behavior impacted my family. I don't know that it impacted my friends so much, but I know those who shared a roof with me know what I'm talking about. I still carry guilt and shame for being such an angry person at home. I still feel guilt about yelling and fighting with my loved ones and making them live in fear around me. I guess the only explanation I have is that it was very hard for me to sustain "fake happy" forever and at some point I was like the volcano that had to erupt sometime.

This is super personal and heavy but I have had a a rough few days and have not been able to pinpoint where some of these feelings have come from. After identifying my feelings of inadequacy and guilt from living a somewhat "double life," it makes things more clear for me. I think I will carry a certain amount of emotional baggage for a long time about the emotional and verbal abuse I endured as a child. Children are just not equipped with the tools to deal with some of the things I had to deal with growing up and so there were parts of me that were broken and even after years of counseling, I still feel broken sometimes. I'm much much much better, but there's still progress to be made.

I guess the second thought is related. So now what. What do I do? I remind myself where some of my emotional eating comes from, why I still feel guilt and shame, why I am so good at putting on the "fake happy" face, and want to work on being a whole person. I actually think I'm a lot worse at putting on fake happy face now, so I might scratch that one off the list. I just know there's a time and a place to pull out fake happy and when it's time for me to be honest with my feelings.

I think ugliness can come in all forms. Sometimes we become ugly on the inside because of how we feel about ourself and out of anger. I think ugliness is far more internal than external. So many of us think that being ugly means looking unattractive. I am guilty of this. I was reminded recently that ugliness can live on the inside and ridding myself of my inner-ugliness takes a lot of work, patience, soul searching, honesty, and tears.

I am still a work in progress. I am imperfect. I can't change my past but I can work on the present and make changes for the future. Right now working on the inside is just as important as the outside. I know that by allowing the Lord to take my heavy burdens, I will be relieved but it is so hard to just give it up. Sometimes it seems impossible to just give up pain, frustration, anger, hurt, resentment. It seems impossible to forgive some people. It seems impossible to let go of a grudge. I am not good at these things believe it or not. I am not generally an angry resentful person but man, when I feel anger and resentment it is powerful and those feelings have been very strong this week for lots and lots of reasons.

I have to work through these feelings. I have to figure out the root. I have to figure out where the hurt stems from. If I don't, I think I run the risk of covering it up with food again. It's actually a lot easier to accomplish this with the help of Dan. I think the best marriage is one where your other half can be your balancer. If our spouses reinforce that we are victims and powerless and we are justified in our negative behaviors and attitudes, there's a problem in my opinion. Dan is so good at validating my feelings and helping me figure out how to be a better person without telling me to just forget it and move on. I am so blessed.

Well here's to working on my inner-ugly rather than turning to food.

A dark place today

Unfortunately today was a very very dark day for me. I am not exactly sure what triggered it but I have had another one of those days where I cry a lot about my weight. Last night was a wonderful night, we had our first "club" meeting for friends to talk about their struggles, body image, goals, and any other issues related to food and dieting. It was awesome to get together with my friends and just support each other. I can't make sense of why I woke up very depressed. I got up and while I was trying to get ready for church I felt really disappointed that my church clothe selection is limited, and most of what I do have is a little snug. Even my bigger clothes just don't fit right. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and felt like I look like a football player. I noticed that even my upper arms have noticeable cellulite on them. I told myself about 5 times, "Steph, you are more than your body. You are more than your size. You are more than this." I pulled it together and when to church. We always sit on the front row which is a horrible place to be if you lose your emotions. During the sacrament I just started crying. We had no tissues and I couldn't pull myself together. I was wiping snot and tears on my shirt sleeve and was really embarrassed. As soon as the sacrament was over we got up and walked out and I had tears streaming down my face. We came home and I cried for about 2 hours to my sweet husband is the biggest support I have. As I talked through my feelings I realized that all this time I still have some feeling of responsibility for my weight gain. I still feel like it's somehow my fault because I've cheated or I eat too much. I expressed that as I listened to my friends share their stories and things they want to work on I realized that for several months, I have been doing more than most of my friends in terms of exercise. I realized that I have been doing about an hour or more of exercise 4-6 days a week consistently for almost a year. I have been either counting points or calories straight for almost a year. I am not writing to judge my friends or say I'm better than them in any way, but just that I have gained significant amounts of weight compared to someone with a "normal" body despite exercising and keeping track of my calories. Sure, I have had my days where I eat 3 slices of pizza or half a dozen cookies, but those days are infrequent. Observing that a "normal" person who exercises half as much as I have and probably eats about the same or more than me hasn't gained 30 pounds in one year is extremely depressing to me because either I really don't have control over my weight and it's possible for me to balloon even more, or there is still something I'm not figuring out about my body and finding it's "lose" zone. Yes I have answers about my auto-immune disease but I still have a hundred questions like "Why am I still gaining weight????" "When will I be able to lose weight?" "Is there anything else besides Hashimoto's preventing me from losing weight?" "Am I eating the right foods and exercising enough? too much?" It is really really scary for me to weigh as much as I do. It is scary because every pound I gain seems like it takes me so far from my goal that I'm terrified I'll never be below a size 18, that I'll never weigh less than 200 pounds, that I'll never be able to hike and backpack the way I used to, and that I'll always be the fat girl. It is very scary for me to wonder how much weight I'm going to gain. I lost 60 pounds during college and am now almost 15 pounds higher than my heaviest in high school and when I lost all that weight I never dreamed I would even come close to the 200's and now I am wondering if I'll ever even get to 200 pounds. It is so scary to me. It is depressing. It is frustrating. I am tired of this trial. Even my endocrinologist doesn't have an answer for me. Your blood doesn't lie and my blood shows perfect numbers in every category except thyroid and my last numbers only showed I was on the low end of normal. Most people at my weight already have blood pressure issues and insulin resistance and she said I'm not even close to being insulin resistant which is abnormal for someone at my weight. I guess I should be grateful for my good health in that way but obviously being obese is its own health risk. I would even be content if my weight stabilized. I told Dan that I feel like if I gain 3-4 more pounds he's going to have to take me to the mental hospital because I honestly feel like I am on the verge of having a nervous breakdown, the kind where I would start throwing dishes and furniture and that is just not like me, but that's where I'm at. I put on a happy face and try to make the best of things and be happy and positive but sometimes this disease and weight take me to a very very dark place. I'm still crying off and on 9 hours later. This isn't for pity, but this blog is my place to record every step of my journey and this is a day in my life and my journey.

Turn that frown upside down

Thanks for the positive comments. It means to much to have old friend from high school cheering me on!! It is a battle that I wish I didn't have to fight but my life could be a lot worse. I have to keep reminding myself of that, even when the numbers on the scale make me want to cry my eyes out. I'm not weighing again until I see my endocrinologist in March. That is so so so scary for me but I have to get over the number on the scale. I can't let that number run my life. I have to move forward in making peace with myself, food, and exercise and I'll never do that if I'm always punishing myself. I was talking to Dan about this problem- I don't want to live a life of endless diets but I don't want to be overweight so where is the balance? Is it possible to just tune into my body and really feel how much I need to eat to lose weight? I've always relied on a specific program of calories in and calories out to lose weight. I've never just tuned in, listened to my body, and trusted my own instincts about how much I need to eat to lose weight. I think our bodies love being in a state of stasis- never gaining never losing- so what happens when it's better for your health to be losing weight? How do you gently treat your body and love away the extra pounds without punishing yourself? How do you help your body to know that in the long run it's better to be hungry now and tell it not to store everything you put in, but have your body trust you to let some of the excess go and in exchange gain years and years of life? How do you do this??? How do you also fight the Hashimoto's? Man things are stacked against me. I will find a way. I will find my path. It might not be today or tomorrow or next week or next month or even within this one year of journaling I'm doing. It might be 5 years down the road. I must remind myself the lesson I learned when I was 150 pounds- (which BTW is really really little for me) I am the same person when I'm 200 pounds as I am when I'm 150 pounds. The person inside the body NEVER changed, just the perception of myself. Sure there are probably a few people that treat me a little different when I'm heavy but that's their own problem. I am the same. I am lovable. I am beautiful. Unhappy with my weight? definitely, but a different person? never. I MUST remind myself this until I believe it.

When will this end???

Ok, so I don't expect to be losing massive amounts of weight right now. I have been stressed for several months about school and have probably been eating my feelings (not probably, definitely) HOWEVER I just don't think it's fair that I have gained almost 10 pounds since my first visit to my endocrinologist. It takes a lot to gain 10 pounds. I have been gaining almost a pound or two a week for the last 5 weeks and just want this to end. I have been keeping track of my calories in addition to trying to at least be aware of my eating habits and feel that I at least do enough to MAINTAIN my weight. Well I guess not. I weigh more now than I ever have in my life and I am just tired of saying that. I am sure there are days where I'm over and days where I'm not perfect but it just doesn't seem fair to be gaining massive amounts of weight when I'm averaging 1500-1600 net calories each day and doing a pretty dang good job of getting to the gym. I just wish that I had control over my weight. It's one thing to gain weight when you're blowing it hardcore everyday but it's another when you are eating a fairly slim amount of calories each day. I guess maybe my old doctor is right and I need to eat 1200 calories a day and work out 2 hours a day. I'm not down with that plan but maybe that's what I personally have to do. Who knows. It's really got me down. I should be on top of the world- finishing my master's degree, happily married, loving what I"m doing in life but I am seriously tired of being so incredibly overweight that I don't even want to see pictures of myself and I want to hide out and never see my friends. I'm to that point. So lame.

WIPE OUT!!!!

I remember an old voice teacher telling me how her weight watchers points counting for the day spelled a big fat wipe out and she would start again tomorrow. I think today spells wipe out for me. If you are in school then you know the time of the semester when you realize all in one moment that everything is about to hit the fan no matter what you've done to prevent this and suddenly the last day of school is coming at you a million miles an hour? yeah, today was that day for me. As I was driving to salt lake I realized I didn't bring my wallet. I was talking on the phone to Dan and told him I couldn't find my wallet and asked him to look around at home for it. He said he found it and I just started bawling. I started crying about how I am so unorganized and I can't even walk from one room to the other without feeling like I'm going to trip on my bags and my shoes I've left all over and that I am so stressed and so busy that when I finally get home at night I have zero energy or desire to do the slightest bit of housework and to top it off it got really ugly when I was howling "I DON'T WANT TO LIVE OUT OF BAGS ANYMORE!!! I DON'T WANT TO PACK MY CAR FULL OF 7 BAGS EVERY TIME I LEAVE THE HOUSE. I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS!!!!!!" I think he was a slightly concerned about my sanity but I did have a point...I hate having the laptop bag, the lunch bag, a general purse bag, the music/homework bag, the piano bag, the prize bag, the gym clothes bag...yeah I really pack all those bags most of the time. I don't know how in the heck my life got so packed. One day I was completing my homework assignments 5 days before they were due and now I am barely getting them printed off minutes before I'm supposed to hand them in. Well, that was just today...but still. Today was a wake up call that I need to slow down and focus on my priorities before it's too late. I am NOT prepared for my upcoming recital. I have 1 month before my preview and all my music is half memorized and some of it is barely learned. How am I going to do this??? I am singing some of the hardest music I've ever learned and have been working on some of it since June and it's still hard and impossible. I think that my days are so packed that I haven't had time to internalize my music because I live each day hour by hour instead of taking time each day to let my music set in.

 As I reflected upon today it's easy to see why some days end up in massive caloric destruction. I had an awesome healthy breakfast of whole wheat pancakes and milk, roughly 350 calories and then a snack of an apple, and then came lunch- I got behind schedule with teaching and rehearsals and went to Arby's because they're the fastest place with a 250 calorie sandwich for $1 that has minimal fat grams. I inhaled my delicious ham sandwich, ran to the library, finished my assignment, ran to teach another voice lesson, ran to class, tried to heat up my leftover dinner (when I say leftover I really mean a dinner from about 2.5 months ago I stuck in the freezer for days like this) and this leftover dinner was less than desirable. Phyllo dough does NOT reheat well. Well after class I had technical difficulties with my computer so I couldn't print off my assignment, I was already 15 minutes late to my last 2 students and then I walk outside to a snow storm and a $15 parking ticket on my car. I cancelled my lessons and consumed as many tootsie rolls as a person can along the I-15 corridor stretch from Salt Lake to American Fork.  What was I thinking??? Allowing the prize bag to ride shot gun with me??? That's one reason I quit putting food and treats in the prizebag!! Sometimes I would put these disgusting dollar store cookie packs in the prize bag and when I was stressed I'd tear into them and think they tasted good when in reality they are disgusting and ghetto. The same thing happened when I would put dollar store fruit snacks in the prize bag- I would end up eating them!!!! WHO DOES THAT!!! Well, I do. As a rule I don't keep candy or food in the prize bag but with Halloween I couldn't resist replacing my junk toys from China with delicious tootsie rolls and Dots. Boy did I ever go to town on those tootsie rolls tonight. The inside of my car looks like and explosion of tootsie roll wrappers. Don't worry it doesn't stop there. I ask Dan what he wants for dinner and we decide it's the best plan to just get a $5 pizza (of course that's the BEST plan!! LOL!!) Well, 3 pieces of of pizza later I'm finally in bed under warm blankets wishing today was just a bad dream. Well right now it's probably best that I fill out my the survey on my Arby's receipt so I can get a free roast beef sandwich. Well I did eat an apple and some vegetables during my attempt to eat a leftover dinner. I think tomorrow will be a better day. I'm also going to be fair to myself and cancel a couple weeks of teaching so I have an entire week to devote to practicing. On the up side my husband was so concerned about my state of mind that when I got home the house was spotless and he had two pj options on the bed for me to pick from, how sweet??? I would go crazy without him. I just have to give him a shout out and tell him how much I love him. If it wasn't dark and raining right now I'd go out and take a picture of the inside of my car to showcase the tootsie roll explosion. It's kind of funny....

Well, today I lost my sanity. I hope I find it again tomorrow. I hope I can have the courage to cancel all piano lessons next week...I am such a scare-dy cat when it comes to cancelling...so many feelings of disappointing others...

I don't even know what this blog is about anymore!! One day I'm writing about nutrition and exercise and the next day it's about my breakdowns and piano lessons. Maybe tomorrow I'll post a sweet recipe involving fresh fall foods and how 100 ways to use a pumpkin. I hope everyone reading this knows what it's like to get to the end of their rope and consume a bag of tootsie rolls because misery loves company and I would feel much better about myself knowing I'm not the only one who has a wipe out every now and then. 

I'm sooooo tired!

This is Dan. Steph is laying next to me telling me what to type.  How many dudes do you know that blog? Something brilliant has happened two nights in a row.  I have fallen asleep without the aid of a book or a tv show.  For the past 3 years I've struggled with insomnia.  Not to blame everything on my thyroid, but, since I've been on medication for it I have noticed I fall asleep so much easier.  I'm so tired I'm making my husband type this.

We came to Idaho but have nothing but shameful things to write about in terms of food.   But since this is an honesty blog I will be honest and say I ate to the point of severe discomfort at a family outing to Craigo's Pizza.  I wasn't even hungry when we went in.  But somehow I managed to eat enough pizza and dessert pizza to make me want to curl up in the fetal position till morning.  It's been a long time since I've overeaten this much.  Maybe I need to read my overeaters anonymous book.  I know something about myself: big social functions = disaster for my eating.  I eat when I'm happy and surrounded by family and friends in a way that I would never eat when I'm alone.  I get so caught up in the excitement of the social interaction that the feeling of doing something special that I lose touch of fullness and hunger and seek to prolong the feelings of pleasure by eating and eating and eating...and eating.  This happens until I need a wheelbarrow to carry me out.  This habit has gotten better since being married because I am so much more content.  But, being back home in Idaho usually triggers these old habits of gorging myself.  After I conquered this habit during my undergrad I would get really angry and depressed when I would spend time at home.  I would get even more angry if my mom had food around.  I wanted to blame my family and their eating habits for my weight problem in high school.  Now that I am struggling with my weight again it seems that old habits of eating to prolong the feelings of pleasure rather than just enjoying company without food happens more regularly.  It is a very hard habit to break. I feel so full it reminds me of a time when my late friend Hollie went to Texas Roadhouse in high school and consumed baskets and baskets of rolls and french fries while talking about life and boys.  We could hardly move after and were sick all night.  I could name many other times this has happened.  It is worse than Thanksgiving dinner.  I guess the thing to learn from tonight is that just because your family takes you to a pizza buffet you don't have to eat pizza until you are sick.  Novel idea eh?

Now here is Dan and his experience with the pizza buffet.  I was full going into the pizza buffet.  I could have been content with going to bed not eating anything more for the day.  However, it turned out that the family was really wanting to eat and I thought it would be fun.  I was at first nervous because I hadn't brought my wallet because we had been doing family pictures beforehand.  But Steph's dad picked up the check.  At that point I felt almost obligated to stuff my face.  After I was full I was a bit self conscious because I didn't want to appear ungrateful.  So I did eat more than I would have wished to.  But for me I just have to chalk it up to an unusual circumstance.  For me food is not so emotionally charged.  It really wasn't hard for me to let it go.  The biggest consequences I think I will feel after this experience is what ever happens to me tomorrow morning in the bathroom and possibly having "tooting" competitions with steph all night.  Steph could have had a similar experience with tonight if it weren't for her past experience.  I always try and tell her and encourage her to diffuse her feelings around food.  It is not so much about positive and negative emotions as it is about the strength of the emotions.  When steph is happy about food she is really happy, but when she is sad she is really sad.  Most  of the time I put food in my mouth I get excited if it is something I like but I never get upset with myself or eating something.  That's because I think I have a healthy sense of apathy toward food.  I care enough about it to enjoy it and to feed myself but not enough so that it can potentially wreck my day.  I'm not trying to downplay the struggle some people have with food.  I'm just saying that maybe the solution is not to frantically beat one's self up but rather to attempt to diffuse the emotion to the point of healthy apathy.

Now this is steph again.  I get scared that if I don't fill myself with negative emotions and punish myself for overeating that I will give up and do binge eat every day.  That is just the psychology of my situation.  I'm not saying it is useful or not, that is just the process I go through.  It's times like tonight when I wish there was an eject button on the contents of my stomach because if I could get out all the extra food I would feel better.  If you actually do go for the eject button I guess that is what they call an eating disorder.  Don't worry I'm fortunate enough to no struggle with that.  If any of you reading can relate I strongly recommend the Overeaters anonymous book.  It is wonderful and can put a true binge into perspective.  I think journaling this way that I did tonight is more effective than counting calories.  Right now in this moment I feel like a failure.  After a person overeats like this there is so much fear that it will happen again.  Especially since it has been a long time since it happened.  Now there is a lot of fear that I will crash and eat like this every night.  The honest truth is that tonight I am reminded that I am a recovering food addict.