I have less backfat. And I ate a burrito.

I ate a burrito for the first time in over 6 months today. All I have to say is that it was just as good as I remembered it being but at the same time, not quite as exciting as I thought it might be. In the end, I kind of had that whole fat cow syndrome thing so unfortunately, bean and cheese burrito's from Beto's might get crossed off my list of favorite foods. Sorry, burrito, you just make me feel bloated, even though you are very good going down.

On a better note, I am rocking my workouts lately. I have been working out at the student gym at SLCC while Dan is at his CNA class from 5-10PM. I have been doing some treadmill intervals to see if I can actually do an entire sprint triathlon without making someone else do the run for me.

Back when I did EXL bootcamp, the trainer taught me that effective workouts are the ones that really get your heart rate going and then doing big bursts of high intensity mixed with short intervals of resting. This is that whole "high intensity interval training" HIIT thing you might hear people talking about. The truth is, I have less back fat now and I'm getting a waist!

Oh yeah, back to the workout thing. Well I've been working on this whole stupid running thing that I actually used to be pretty good at. I go for 20-25 minutes and after a 2-3 minute warm up, I ramp up the treadmill to 6.5 which means you are running roughly a 9ish minute mile. I go for one minute, then walk for a minute, run for a minute, walk for a minute, etc.

After 10 minutes of that, I really push myself and do the running for 2 minutes, but still rest for 1 minute. Sometimes if I really feel like I'm going to die, I just run with the treadmill on a 6 which for me, is still a challenge. I do the 2 minute running thing for the next 10 minutes and then do the 1 minute running at the 6.5-6.6 speed, and walking for a minute thing. I get more sweaty from this workout than anything other than Bikarm yoga. It is pretty amazing.

After this, I've been lifting for however long I can, alternating between upper body and lower body.

The only problem with this kind of exercise is that it REALLY gets you hungry. You're supposedly getting a 30-60 minute "afterburn" with these kinds of workouts but all I feel is that I get a 30-60 minute "I want to rob the taco stand on the corner and eat all their food" kind of burn.

I've had a little bit of a rough time with the high intensity workouts because I really do feel really hungry after, but when I'm trying to keep my calories under control, I just do the best I can to have a carb/protein balanced snack and then make myself stop eating. It works 90% of the time.

So yeah, I have less backfat.

Goodbye 14 inch zipper shorts

Ok, after a little pitty party yesterday I am feeling better. Part of my problem is the wardrobe thing. We are on the kind of budget that you are on when you are in college...which let's face it, is getting a little old but it is a means to an end so most of the time it doesn't even phase me. Heck, this is how I've been living for the last decade minus like 6 months of being kind of not-poor. You know the kind of budget, where you really really really have to think about what a need REALLY is. Yeah, we are definitely there right now.

So my clothing "needs" have seemed like wants for a really long time. It makes it worse when I have boxes of clothes that just don't fit yet. It's agony! I've put my clothing wants in a category of "too bad, so sad, guess I'll survive on hand-me-downs," and I try to block the want of new clothes out of my head and just make due with what I have.

If you are a woman, you know what it feels like to go to your closet, see things you bought sometime in the last 5 years from a store you can't even remember and tell yourself, "this is so totally in style," when in reality, it's probably not. I'm to the point where I can't even consider "is this in style?" I'm to the point where I have to ask myself, regardless of any sort of fashion sense, "Will this make me look fat? Can I wear this all day without having a random seam cut the circulation off my arms? Can I wear this all day without it getting stuck in my back-fat or front-fat? Is there significant muffin top with these pants? And now I have to ask myself, would anyone notice that these shorts came from the Dillard's old lady clearance section, the dead give away being the 14 inch zipper that comes up to my boobs?"

I have to ask myself the old lady zipper question because the only shorts I have are ones I bought on clearance LAST summer for like $4 each, and even when I bought them, I knew they were a bad idea.

We all have clothes like that, and really, it's OK. We all have bad clothes days. Yesterday was definitely a bad clothes day. It was such a bad day in fact, that I drove myself to the closest store that sells basil plants and clothes, which is Shopko, and decided it was time to buy some new shorts and shirts so I can survive this summer without having a 14-inch zipper in my shorts.

I bought 2 pairs of shorts and the coolest part was that I didn't know what size I was so I grabbed anything with a 16 and an 18 just to be safe. Since I was mildly emotionally fragile yesterday, I started with what I thought were size 18 shorts. I put them on, they fit great, were a little loose in the waist, and went to try on the next pair and realized they were actually 16's!

This made my day. Everything I tried on fit, and I only had to buy size 16. I have had to buy size 18 for the last year and a half and I hate it. I don't judge anyone that wears bigger sizes, but for me, I really prefer to be a size 12. I just feel my best when I'm in a 12.

I'm getting there. It might be slower than I want and more annoying than I want getting there, but I'm on my way. I now have 2 pairs of shorts and 3 shirts for the summer so hopefully if any of you see me in person you an see me rotating through my very huge wardrobe all summer long.

Get Ready to PARTY

So I have been recovering from my disappointments that took place during the month of February and part of March. Without rehashing my disappointments I am going to say this-

I am making progress


I am down almost 20 pounds


I have pants that are too big to wear


I can do boy push-ups


I have not had cookies in almost 3 months


My skin is more clear


I sleep better


I am getting close to one of my goals- being in the 100's


I have been focusing on all the things that haven't been happening rather than looking at all the positive things that have been happening. I know a few people who always have something to complain about and something that is negative and they see their glass as half-empty. I like to think I am a half-full kind of person but lately I am throwing glasses against the wall while saying swear words and screaming that even if there was water to fill the stupid glass up with, I wouldn't want it anyway. Metaphorically speaking of course.

So here's the weight loss update. I am 3.5 pounds away from being out of the 200's. My progress is slow but my battle right now isn't whether or not I am losing weight like it was for the last year. My battle now is 100% mental. I have been told that this is normal.

I am no stranger to weight loss. I successfully lost 60 pounds during my undergrad and kept it off for about 5 years. It has just been about 3 years since I have even been able to lose weight so I kind of forgot the mental battles that happen once you actually start losing weight.

My most common battle is fighting expectations. I think since I am paying a significant amount of my monthly food delivery, I expect fast results, key word being FAST. What I wasn't prepared for was slow and steady results, key word being SLOW.

I just had these huge expectations to lose like 20 pounds in a month or lose 12 pounds every month. Well...I am down 18.5 after almost 10 weeks. So on average that is 1.8 pounds a week. Why in the heck am I so disappointed with that? That is HUGE. I remember being really excited to lose 4-6 pounds a month at weight watchers. I think it's the whole cost and expectations thing that has had me in such a slump.

Dan and I have been very blessed in our first year of marriage considering I was still in graduate school until December and he is hopefully starting graduate school soon as well. Neither of us have degrees that lead right into a 60K/year salary....or bachelor degrees that really help us get high paying jobs....BUT we are both hard workers who live on a budget and because of that we feel very very blessed financially even though most likely make less than most people who read this blog.

That being said it is a sacrifice for us to pay for this program but it's a means to an end so that we can start trying to make babies. We used to budget $120/month on food for the two of us and yes, we have done that for our entire marriage even when our income tripled about 6 months into our marriage. Now, we budget $380/month for food so we can pay for the medifast. I put so much pressure on myself to get big results every week because of this financial aspect even though Dan assures me every month it is not a big deal and we still put money in our IRA every month and have plenty left over to save. Despite his reassurance I still have a hard time not putting pressure on myself to be losing massive amounts of weight.

I finally realized that is one of the biggest mental battles I am fighting right now. I still put pressure on myself to be "perfect" and unfortunately my body does not follow the "perfect" textbook way of weight loss and realistically it will take me twice as long to lose the same amount of weight as someone who doesn't share my stupid disease. I can't really control the rate at which I will lose weight but I can control how compliant I am with my program. It's not easy fighting myself and my own head.

I have been digging deep to discover the root of all my negativity and I believe it starts with all the pressure I put on myself and placing unrealistic expectations on myself.

My goal for the next month is to focus on the positive and focus on my accomplishments and really work on more positive self-talk. I better go to my lotus garden and do some sun salutations and meditate now.

No, really, I think the private conversations we have in our mind are powerful and can take us down a path of darkness and negativity, or we can change our way of thinking and work on being in a positive, hopeful place. I choose to be hopeful. I choose to be positive. I choose to love myself.

Wisdom = Balance

Balance. My parents have been using that annoying word for as long as I can remember. They always told me my life was out of balance and that's why I would get so stressed and break down and freak out. I'm sure we've all done it- you say yes to so many things, pile your plate so full and then suddenly you snap like a rubber band being stretched too far. This used to happen to me all the time in high school...and then college...and well, yeah. It still happens.

I have to give Dan credit with helping me achieve balance in my life. He does NOT say yes to everything and he does NOT over-commit. He's a hard worker and very driven but he knows he can't function and be happy when he's stressed. He helps me with this weakness of mine.

As I've thought about my attitude the past few weeks I had some light bulbs go off. I have been out of balance in a few areas of my life. I KNOW I have been over-doing it at the gym and under-doing it in my caloric intake and consequently wound up tired, grumpy, depressed, sensitive, and foggy. I think I got wrapped up in the lie that more is always better- I know better than to do that. I know that what I was doing for a few weeks was not good for me but because I felt like I couldn't quit, I just kept going until finally my body broke down and I started acting like a lunatic.

I completed my bootcamp class which was a huge accomplishment but I wish I would have done it AFTER I completed my medifast program. It wasn't smart to do both. In fact, it wasn't smart for me to enter a WEIGHT LOSS COMPETITION at the rec center. DUH. I totally set myself up for disappointment on that one. Note to self- don't compete in a weight loss competition when you have a metabolic disease!

Well this is a lesson learned, and one I won't forget. It was almost instant that I started feeling more like myself on the first day I didn't work out like a maniac. I stuck to my program 100% over the weekend and feel fine! I don't feel ravenous, I don't feel like eating my own arm, I don't feel like moving away, I don't feel like the whole world annoys me, and I don't feel like staying on the couch the whole day. I think medifast alone is extreme enough, I don't need to throw in extreme exercise. I'll save that for when I'm eating like a normal human being.

I have encountered a few situations that make me feel awkward about being on this "diet" (I hate that word) and thought I'd share some of those for some humor.

1. CHURCH- I have attended a few activities at my church that involved food and my favorite one was trying to eat lasagna without anyone noticing I wasn't eating the noodles...and then passing up the dessert and garlic bread. The ladies at my church are SO sweet and loving and I just told them I can't have wheat or sugar right now because of some thyroid complications. It's just easier to throw out the word "food allergy" than say, well, I'm on this diet where my food is delivered to my door. I technically did discover I have a mild allergy to gluten, grains, sugar, and oils but since I had my hippy doctor clear me of those allergies, it's a little white lie every time I still say, Oh, I can't have wheat, I'm allergic, but it's way easier to say that!

2. CHURCH- Man, I felt so ungrateful at church today. Our teacher passed out this delicious homemade wheat bread and fruit because we were talking about healthy things to put in our bodies and I was like, um, no thank you? I got handed the bounteous basket of goodies first and just passed it back to the people sitting behind me and said I didn't care for any of it. I really wanted to eat those delicious apples and all the bread...but...I refrained.

3. Restaurants- I've been a server and I know how annoying it is when someone gives you this list of special food preparation because you can tell the cooks how to prepare the food but it doesn't always mean it's going to come out the way you requested it to be cooked. I have eaten out a few times and each time I have had to ask for some psycho request about how my food is prepared. I've gotten better at this one, gaining the confidence that I deserve to have my food prepared to my needs and not worrying about inconveniencing anyone.

4. Parties- I have a few parties and showers coming up and it's always awkward to be that lady who either brings her own food or just sits there and sips on lemon water. I hate explaining myself like, "Oh, I just don't like cake." duh- everyone loves cake. Ok, I have 1 friend who legitimately hates cake, but she's probably the only person alive who hates cake. I am the girl who ate her entire WEDDING cake. Yes, I ate the whole wedding cake because Dan forgot to inform me that he doesn't like chocolate cake when we had our wedding cake made. So parties are a drag because they always fall at a strange hour where it's hard for me to improvise with what I can or can't eat and it's not like I can show up with a chicken breast and say, you don't mind if I just BBQ my chicken breast even though you went to all kinds of work to make those awesome chicken salad croissant sandwiches?

5. Nice People- This is a general category. I have a lot of people ask me if I want to have some dinner when I'm there late teaching piano. I always say no thank you, Dan loves to cook for me and I know they just want so badly for me to sit down at the table and enjoy their generosity and sometimes I really want to, but it's just so hard because most of the time I can't eat what they have prepared and don't want to bother so I end up telling little white lies to them, like, "no, I just ate," or "We're going out with friends tonight." I always feel bad but it's just easier to give a solid NO, I have other plans or else they try to talk me into staying.

6. Parties. oh yeah, I already mentioned that one...still a hard one!

Those are a few scenarios that I still have trouble handling but I think I have done really well. I have decided that on my sister's wedding, which is April 9, I am totally letting myself have a free day. That will have been 3 months exactly on my program and that is my reward for staying on my program for one more month. The best advice a friend gave me was to pick a day to be finished with Medifast even if I'm not to my goal weight, and then just be 100% on my program until that day. I have picked July 9 as my final Medifast day. I might change it but right now I'm getting to April 9, and then getting to July 9.

I think going back to the exercise recommendations given my Medifast will really help my body stay balanced and help me stick to my program. I wavered for several days and ate some extra calories but wouldn't say I ever fell off the bandwagon. I am feeling motivated and excited about being able to be 100% on my program and doing more mild forms of exercise until I get more pounds off. Once I am at a more healthy weight and have transitioned into maintenance, I will be able to get back to some intense exercise.

So here's to a week of BALANCE!

Thank You

Two words seem so insignificant, but so many dear friends left comments and memories about my last post that may or may not have made me a little teary eyed. I am definitely blessed to have come in contact with so many amazing, beautiful, charming, funny, genuine people in my life. This is just a small way to say thank you for your kind words. I know that there are so many of my friends who relate to so much what I wrote about on my last post and no matter the stage of life we are in, I think it's important to continually draw strength and courage from each other so keep up the positive self talk everyone!!!

I believe one of the greatest blessings in my life have been people. I love people. Some of my favorite experiences in life were moving to new places, making new friends, and learning from people who had so many perspectives and experiences that opened my eyes to new things. I have life-long friends from my college years, my high school years, my many summers in Jackson Hole, and just the people along the way I meet at different jobs, churches, gigs, etc. I could list hundreds of people that I love and have memories that mean so much to me. I could spend hours and hours naming and reminiscing about these people, but instead I keep these memories dear to my heart.

This blog has helped me release a lot of deep feelings and things that may have been surprising to some of my dear friends. One thing about me is that despite my struggles and despite the pain I have felt in my life, I have always wanted to do what I could to be happy. I have always had joy and happiness in my life but the pendulum of life takes us from highs to lows and that is just part of the human experience. Ultimately I have lived a wonderful life full of laughter and happiness and plan to continue living that way for many many more years. Along the way I will stumble and have demons to confront but I won't let them stop me from progressing and pursuing things that make me happy and are challenging.

I have found more strength in myself these last few weeks. As I've eliminated the crutch of food I believe I am freeing myself from negative self-talk. I am freeing myself from habits that bring about guilt and shame. I am finding hope again which will also build my own personal confidence. I think that freeing myself from my dependancy on food allows me to grow and mature and develop habits and coping mechanisms that actually help me!!!

I know that my Hashimoto's disease and other minor health issues have had a big impact on my health and weight but I still consider myself a food addict. For that reason I know that I will always have to keep that addiction in check. It doesn't mean I will be perfect, but I need to be strong as an individual in order to remain abstinent from damaging behaviors. I am learning how to do this little by little and continuing to build my self-esteem and confidence is huge. I have always thought of myself as a confident person but like everyone, there are always those little insecurities that seem to trap you and hold you back. I believe that slowly and surely I will learn how to continually reject the lies of the adversary and believe that I have infinite worth and I have all the strength and potential to conquer whatever weaknesses I have. With the Lord, ALL things are possible, even overcoming an unhealthy relationship with food and even discovering your own worth. Thanks for reading.

My spy goggles are on

The holidays are over, which hopefully means a little less temptation for everyone. I am celebrating my progress today though. I have kept a food journal for almost 3 months straights! I was looking over my foods for the last little while and see lots of things I am proud of and a few things I would like to improve. Let's start with the improvements

1. I am consistently low in fiber. This was actually a huge shock to me. See, in my head, I eat fruit and whole grains often but looking at what I actually eat verses what I think I'm eating regularly is a different story. I realized that on average I am about 5 grams low on fiber each day. I have my goal set at 23-25 grams which should be cake to get! This is why keeping a journal is so useful. Sure, there are days that are shameful but unless you are honest with yourself about what you're eating and how you're eating then it's hard to know where you need to improve.

2. I am consistently high in my sugar intake. Duh. I've got a sweet tooth and even when I'm not eating candy and dessert I think food just has a lot of added sugars that I don't even think about. Ultimately I need to find a different way to quell the sugar addict in me. Working on that one...

3. I am totally scattered in my way of eating. I have so little structure in my life. This has been a problem for years and years for me. I over-book myself, over-stress myself, and just flat out don't live by a schedule. I am like most working women in the sense that I enjoy being busy and productive and achieving my goals and dreams. In fact this week I didn't teach a single student and by the end of the week I was bored, grouchy, and wishing I had something to do.  The problem with my lifestyle is that no day is the same. I eat breakfast within the same 1-2 hour timeframe each day but lunch and dinner? what? Are those sit down meals? Do people set the table for dinner? What happened to my menu? My challenges are that I am a foodie so something simple for lunch or dinner doesn't usually entice me. I want flavor, variety in texture, and something very tasty, especially for dinner. Dan could be 100% content with pretzels and peanut butter but I want something that says WOW. I could learn to simplify. I could set a goal to at least sit down and eat lunch, even if I pull off the road and eat it in my car. My lunch and dinner calories are all over the place because at those times of day I am a circus. This one might take awhile to figure out.

4. As I mentioned in my previous post, I am not eating vegetables. I used to try to center every meal around vegetables and snack on them and now I am rebelling. I love asparagus but I feel guilty spending our grocery money on such a luxury. I love squash but forget to cook it for dinner because I'm too distracted from lessons to even remember I bought it. I love peppers. I do love a good spinach salad. I love fresh diced tomatoes on almost anything. See, I love veggies, I just haven't been eating them because I don't make time to prepare them. I think I'm going to start chopping them with my Vidalia chop wizard, which BTW you should all own. It dices everything and it so fast and easy.

See, if I use the tools I already have, set some time aside to chop veggies and put them in baggies, I am about 99% more likely to eat a wide variety of vegetables every day. 

Now to the things I am proud of. I am proud that I am good about keeping my calories low. I am proud of myself for tracking almost everyday. I noticed there were a few meals that I didn't track, like Christmas eve dinner, but overall I have tracked really well. Sometimes I just do quick add calories if I'm in a hurry but it doesn't tell me what I was eating so I will try to avoid that. I have done excellent in my exercising as well. I think making a few changes to my diet like adding more fiber and decreasing my sugar will help me feel better and more alive. I am proud of having fewer binges. I am proud of not going hog wild on "bad" foods. I am proud of all the homemade stuff I've been making like bread, yogurt, bagels, and granola bars. yay!!!

Happy new year to everyone and tomorrow I'll try to post Homework #5!!

Interesting Contradiction of sorts

So today I finished my master's degree!!!! I wish I could put into word what this means for me. The strangest thing happened when I got home. I was so unconcerned with food for the first time in 3.5 years, it was almost scary. Here's the contradiction...Dan wanted to "celebrate" and take me to dinner and he chose the Olive Garden (the only thing that counts as Italian in American Fork) How could I resist a date with my hot husband? Alas I could not. When I went I was thinking, I'm going to celebrate by NOT eating and reclaiming my power to listen to my body. That lasted about 4 seconds when I sat down and looked at the crab stuffed ravioli and the waiter brought warm breadsticks. Well I ate because there was food that looked good but I really wasn't eating for hunger...but I was so excited to not have feelings to eat today!!! I've been eating my stressful feelings of inadequacy, underdog, not good enough, over worked, over stressed and exhausted for years. It's over. I have no one expecting greatness out of me now- I just get to decide what my own greatness is now and that is empowering. I just feel really really really empowered right now. Dan and I are spinning tomorrow morning so I'm off to bed.

Driving right past the drive through

So today I met my goal. I went to spinning at 6:00 PM tonight after a long long day of lessons in SLC. I pushed really hard and it felt great. It was a much better stress reliever than I thought it would be. I am still planning to go to Zuma tomorrow morning. I was really stressed today for some reason- can't put a finger on it. Well actually I can. I've had several friends in the past couple of weeks go through major marital problems and 6 friends have gone through divorces or getting ready to get divorced this week (officially) and for some reason it has really had me in a down mood. I do not judge or blame my friends but it just seems to come out of nowhere and even though it's none of my business I just hope that these friends are ok and that they are getting the love and support they need. I just had to get that out.

Well today I drove right past the McDonald's drive through even though I really wanted to stop for a fruit smoothie. I packed my lunch for today along with some good filling snacks but it wasn't quite enough. I pushed the "stress" hunger away and reminded myself that I had plenty to eat and I didn't need to supplement with a fruit smoothie. Just FYI the only thing McDonald's does sell that might be decent is their all fruit smoothies. The small only has 200 calories and it is DELICIOUS!!

Dan reminded me yesterday when I was really down on myself for my weight that I just learned about my Hashimoto's and that my weight is not all my fault right now. That's such a bizaare concept- it's always been my fault!!! I have a hard time wanting to give something like a health problem that much power over me...I really want this excess weight to be easier to fix than this...but alas he reminded me that I have my followup with the endocrinologist in a couple weeks and we have no idea what my thyroid levels are like or how long it will take before I'm able to lose weight. I just wish I knew how much is really my thyroid, and how much is really my diet/exercise.

My ipod died today and I didn't have a charger so once again I'm going to enter my food all at once instead of throughout the day. It's always scarier that way but I'm trying to learn to trust myself more and trust that I can make healthy choices. I am one step closer to my office max notebook and have to say that the biggest motivation to actually go to spinning tonight was the fact that I wrote out my goal. I guess I need little goals each week. Happy eating friends!

How did it become midnight???

I wish I could go back 8 minutes ago and realize it was midnight and that I still hadn't posted anything. SLACKER. I did do my food journal though and that's what counts the most. I pushed so hard in my step class today that I think I induced a migraine or just a really bad headache- who knows- but man I felt like crap for most of the day. According to my new plan I'm supposed to exercise for the "feel good" benefits and "stress relief" benefits but that backfired today! I had to miss the opera workshop scenes concert that I was really looking forward to seeing. Oh well. I'm sure it was amazing and I missed a good performance.

I did listen to my body today and didn't eat until I was hungry and when I was hungry I ate what sounded good for the most part. This trusting myself is HARD. I think you have to be in a frame of mind that is far far away from stress to really tune in to hunger/fullness/cravings/etc. I'm just not in that frame of mind and probably won't be until after my recital. Until then I'm doing my best to eat in moderation and eat balanced but somehow cookies keep outweighing leafy green vegetables! I'm not going to judge myself.

I did have a few positive thoughts though. Despite the 10 negative thoughts I had about my body while doing step aerobics, I did notice a few things I really like about my body. I noticed that I have well defined ankles. Can I get a "holla" for my sweet ankles? I'm glad I haven't developed kankles...yet...I also noticed that I have sweet calves- I've always been complimented for my calves but from my profile I could really see some good definition in my calves and legs which made me feel food. I was also determined to get through the class on the highest level the step could go. I have never made it through this lady's class on the highest level, I always have to lower it half-way through. Today I kept my step high...even though I had to march in place more than once or twice...I pushed myself harder than I thought I could (obviously too hard...) but it felt good to challenge myself.

I've noticed that I don't eat massive amounts of Halloween candy anymore even though it's still around the house. I'm starting to think there's some truth in the concepts I'm learning- I don't need to stay away from my favorite foods like reese's peanut butter cups and chocolate chip cookies. This journey I'm taking (see the homework for details) tells me to keep my favorite foods around at all times and it has been an interesting thing. At first I ate and ate and ate and ate Halloween candy- maybe because it was the first time in my life I actually bought my own candy and not just ate the candy at my parent's house. It was like Christmas but food style. Well now the candy is so old news for me and I'm on to chocolate chip cookies, possibly the most divine food ever invented. Well I've eaten 4 today...and that might be 5 in another 10 minutes. I don't know if I'll ever lose my longing for chocolate chip cookies but I'm TRYING to learn how to keep some of these foods around so they lose their power over me. Sometimes I question this because I think of an alcoholic around alcohol- duh! You can't be surrounded by your weakness and addiction- I don't know, it's a leap of faith for me. So much of this goes against what I've always been taught from "dieting" but obviously those didn't work me. Ever notice how some of the largest people you know are always "dieting" or trying to "diet"? It's so complicated!!!! WHAT ARE THE ANSWERS??? Ok I can't think about this any more tonight. My head still hurts and now my husband is home and I'm so excited to go be with him. I love him.

Things to rave about

Tonight I am going to make a quick post before I become sleeping beauty. I fell dead asleep on the couch last night and didn't get anything posted. Yesterday was very eventful- sleeping...sleeping...sleeping. Mmmm. I love Sunday napping.

Last night I had some feelings come up and I had a big moment of success. Dan and I were watching hoarders. It's one of our favorite shows. It seems like if a person loses someone like a parent or child, they hang on to the deceased person's belonging and refuse to give it away. On this episode a mother had lost an infant so SIDS and had kept all her clothes. When they were showing her processing all this I decided I needed to pause the show, get some ice cream and a chocolate cupcake and then continue watching. Suddenly I asked myself why I had done this. I wasn't hungry. I wasn't even really enjoying what I was eating. I handed my bowl of goodies to Dan and asked him to put them away because I was eating my feelings. I broke down and cried for a long time. I told him that I couldn't stop thinking about how I still hang on to Hollie's shoes. When she passed away her mom gave me some of her old things and they mean more to me than anything. I have a few pairs of her shoes that I just can't part with and during the TV show I think I those feelings came up and I didn't want to feel them. I still think about Hollie every day but my days are no longer clouded by sadness. It has been 3 years and here I am still trying to eat the pain away when it surfaces. I know that I started eating a lot more when I lost her and it's important for me to acknowledge these feelings, talk about them, and get them out instead of burying them. It felt much better to have a good cry about some things and throw my cupcake away.

I realized some other things too. I realized that I am so scared to really commit to my eating plan. I was 90-95% committed to a few programs over a 10 month period and didn't lose a pound. It was so devastating. I got so discouraged. Even though I know now why I wasn't losing weight, it was still demoralizing. I'm scared to commit to a program, give it 100% and then see the scale get stuck. It's easier to just eat a fairly healthy balanced diet and not lose weight than be 100% committed to a low calorie program and still not lose weight. I have beat myself up over not following a specific eating plan lately because I know how important it is for me to get back to a healthy weight but at the same time I just don't think I could handle it emotionally if I continue to stay the same weight while dieting. I don't know exactly how long it takes for my thyroid situation to get under control but I really hope my next visit with the endocrinologist will answer some of these questions.

Ok, so those were my feelings and I talked about them. YAY! I need to clarify that I don't think eating certain foods is bad or wrong- it's that I have a problem with eating as a way to ignore negative feelings and emotions and it's the using food as a drug that I am trying to overcome. I think it's perfectly acceptable to have some dessert in your diet! I just need to work on my own emotional eating patterns.

I had a fantastic swim tonight. I left my kickboard at home in the car but swam my guts out for 40 minutes and did about 1000 meters. This is still probably slow for some people but I didn't even have to take a break so that is big improvement for me. I am committing to keeping up with my exercise program this week. I need it for my health and mental well being. Soon I'll find a way to start posting some of my favorite recipes. After December 11th I will have so much more time to really make this blog what I want it to be. For now it is just a little place for me to vent!

Preparing to let the old Stephanie die.

My favorite show right now is "Ruby." I can't tell you anything about her other than you can watch her shows on netflix and when she started losing weight she was almost 500 pounds. I am so inspired by her! Her doctor said something that almost brought me to tears this morning. He told her that she has to accept that the old ruby is dying. The morbidly obese Ruby is dying and there is a new Ruby now. For some reason that hit me really really hard. I was overweight in high school and wanted nothing more than for the overweight Stephanie to die. I felt like my weight held me back in SO many ways. I felt like being overweight didn't allow me to reach my potential. I just felt that being fat was a giant obstacle. I would dream about what it felt like to to be skinny. What it would be like to buy a prom dress instead of have your mom have to make you one...telling yourself it was because you wanted to design it yourself. What would it be like to shop at the Buckle? What would it be like to not have the outside of of the sole of your shoes wear out so fast? What would it be like to wear a white t-shirt and jeans? What would it be like to put your shoes on or your pants on by raising your knee straight up instead of having to put your ankle sideways on your knee first (If you're fat, you know what I'm talking about, if you've never been fat you can't appreciate that one!) What would it be like to see my ankle and wrist bones? What would it be like to have friends to share clothes with? What would it be like to pick your clothes out based on what you liked instead of what actually FITS? What would it feel like to not have your shirt get stuck in your fat rolls when you sat down? Well at one point, I knew what all those things felt like, but only after I lost 60 pounds. I am within a few pounds of what I weighed in high school and ask myself a lot of those same questions again, only this time it goes something like this, "What would it feel like to [insert wish] AGAIN?"

Well I am comfortable in my ways. It is easy to maintain your status quo. It is easy to not have rules. But it's also hard to realize that the weight didn't really hold you back the way you thought it did. I am happier now than I ever was 60 pounds thinner. I know a lot of that has to do with age, maturity, being married, having more goals, etc. But really, I love myself now more than I ever did when I achieved my dream weight. I always thought, I'll get skinny and THEN I'll be happy. THEN I'll get everything I hoped and dreamed of. Well, yeah, I got more boys to kiss me and like me but that didn't bring me happiness, quite the opposite actually. But I wanted so badly to experience that. I wanted to know what it felt like to have a guy SEE you and like you...not get to know you and then like you. I wanted to experience all of that because I never got those experiences in high school. Well, it's fun and exciting but it never brought me joy or happiness.

I was so happy being able to be fit and active and climb mountains and bike and keep up with my skinny friends. I felt so free when I went shopping, I didn't have to wonder if things came in my size or if the sales girls were wondering why I was even browsing in their store. It felt good to buy CLOTHES at the cute clothes stores instead of just jewelry. It really did feel good to conquer my "fat demons" and my "food demons" but in the end I was still searching for myself and searching for acceptance. Now I have acceptance from my loving husband and I am happy with the accomplishments in my life. It's hard to want to suffer again because let's face it, sticking to a program brings amazing feelings of accomplishments but it is hard and you have to give up things that you don't want to. It really is a kind of death in a way. I have to give up the girl who goes to a party or social gathering and eats 2 days worth of food. I like that girl! I love those moments!

I have to give up the girl who eats her feelings.

I have to give up the girl who thinks about food all the time.

I have to give up some very very very pleasurable things in order to achieve something greater. I am having a hard time with it. Once you get that ball rolling, you don't want to stop it. I just can't bring myself to get it rolling!!! I know I'm on my way and I know the ball is moving, it's just not moving as fast I know it can. I know Ruby's doctor meant something a little different, but I am having a hard time letting this Stephanie die because I am really really happy right now. It's hard to imagine being any happier than I am right now. It occurred to me that the skinny Stephanie wasn't happy so there's less motivation to go back there. It's complicated isn't it?

I think ultimately I have to put the past behind me, start fresh, and really let those negative emotions and feelings die. Give up the fears. Give up the frustrations. Give up the fear of discomfort. I have to accept that I am a different person now than I was then. I'm different than I was in high school and I'm not trying to lose weight for the same reasons I was back then. I think the reasons were always the same in my past and they were strong and loud in my head. The reasons now are more personal and not driven by others. To be honest they're not as loud and mean and forceful. Sometimes I get the overwhelming sense of guilt and depression from overeating but I don't get it as much as I did back in the day. I think I am trying to redefine my reasons for doing what I'm doing and redefine my end goal and what it looks like to me. It needs to be positive. It can't be because I want to prove something to someone. I am making baby steps in getting to the bottom my issues with food and weight and I think this is the only way I can ever hope to achieve health and strength for the rest of my life.

PS the AF pool was such a hoot tonight I think I'll save my joyous experience for tomorrow. I also discovered an amazing bagel recipe I tweaked a little and will post it momentarily. Good night!

breakthrough

What a day. Dan spent over 12 hours at the new Coney's in American Fork getting ready for the friends and family night. This left me home alone for a few hours tonight. My breakthrough was that I asked myself the question "Am I hungry?" before devouring the remaining sugar cookies still lingering from Halloween. The answer was no, so I left the plate in the kitchen and went about my business and was proud I only ate 2 instead of 3 or 4 or 5. I am exhausted. Goodnight.