Preparing to let the old Stephanie die.

My favorite show right now is "Ruby." I can't tell you anything about her other than you can watch her shows on netflix and when she started losing weight she was almost 500 pounds. I am so inspired by her! Her doctor said something that almost brought me to tears this morning. He told her that she has to accept that the old ruby is dying. The morbidly obese Ruby is dying and there is a new Ruby now. For some reason that hit me really really hard. I was overweight in high school and wanted nothing more than for the overweight Stephanie to die. I felt like my weight held me back in SO many ways. I felt like being overweight didn't allow me to reach my potential. I just felt that being fat was a giant obstacle. I would dream about what it felt like to to be skinny. What it would be like to buy a prom dress instead of have your mom have to make you one...telling yourself it was because you wanted to design it yourself. What would it be like to shop at the Buckle? What would it be like to not have the outside of of the sole of your shoes wear out so fast? What would it be like to wear a white t-shirt and jeans? What would it be like to put your shoes on or your pants on by raising your knee straight up instead of having to put your ankle sideways on your knee first (If you're fat, you know what I'm talking about, if you've never been fat you can't appreciate that one!) What would it be like to see my ankle and wrist bones? What would it be like to have friends to share clothes with? What would it be like to pick your clothes out based on what you liked instead of what actually FITS? What would it feel like to not have your shirt get stuck in your fat rolls when you sat down? Well at one point, I knew what all those things felt like, but only after I lost 60 pounds. I am within a few pounds of what I weighed in high school and ask myself a lot of those same questions again, only this time it goes something like this, "What would it feel like to [insert wish] AGAIN?"

Well I am comfortable in my ways. It is easy to maintain your status quo. It is easy to not have rules. But it's also hard to realize that the weight didn't really hold you back the way you thought it did. I am happier now than I ever was 60 pounds thinner. I know a lot of that has to do with age, maturity, being married, having more goals, etc. But really, I love myself now more than I ever did when I achieved my dream weight. I always thought, I'll get skinny and THEN I'll be happy. THEN I'll get everything I hoped and dreamed of. Well, yeah, I got more boys to kiss me and like me but that didn't bring me happiness, quite the opposite actually. But I wanted so badly to experience that. I wanted to know what it felt like to have a guy SEE you and like you...not get to know you and then like you. I wanted to experience all of that because I never got those experiences in high school. Well, it's fun and exciting but it never brought me joy or happiness.

I was so happy being able to be fit and active and climb mountains and bike and keep up with my skinny friends. I felt so free when I went shopping, I didn't have to wonder if things came in my size or if the sales girls were wondering why I was even browsing in their store. It felt good to buy CLOTHES at the cute clothes stores instead of just jewelry. It really did feel good to conquer my "fat demons" and my "food demons" but in the end I was still searching for myself and searching for acceptance. Now I have acceptance from my loving husband and I am happy with the accomplishments in my life. It's hard to want to suffer again because let's face it, sticking to a program brings amazing feelings of accomplishments but it is hard and you have to give up things that you don't want to. It really is a kind of death in a way. I have to give up the girl who goes to a party or social gathering and eats 2 days worth of food. I like that girl! I love those moments!

I have to give up the girl who eats her feelings.

I have to give up the girl who thinks about food all the time.

I have to give up some very very very pleasurable things in order to achieve something greater. I am having a hard time with it. Once you get that ball rolling, you don't want to stop it. I just can't bring myself to get it rolling!!! I know I'm on my way and I know the ball is moving, it's just not moving as fast I know it can. I know Ruby's doctor meant something a little different, but I am having a hard time letting this Stephanie die because I am really really happy right now. It's hard to imagine being any happier than I am right now. It occurred to me that the skinny Stephanie wasn't happy so there's less motivation to go back there. It's complicated isn't it?

I think ultimately I have to put the past behind me, start fresh, and really let those negative emotions and feelings die. Give up the fears. Give up the frustrations. Give up the fear of discomfort. I have to accept that I am a different person now than I was then. I'm different than I was in high school and I'm not trying to lose weight for the same reasons I was back then. I think the reasons were always the same in my past and they were strong and loud in my head. The reasons now are more personal and not driven by others. To be honest they're not as loud and mean and forceful. Sometimes I get the overwhelming sense of guilt and depression from overeating but I don't get it as much as I did back in the day. I think I am trying to redefine my reasons for doing what I'm doing and redefine my end goal and what it looks like to me. It needs to be positive. It can't be because I want to prove something to someone. I am making baby steps in getting to the bottom my issues with food and weight and I think this is the only way I can ever hope to achieve health and strength for the rest of my life.

PS the AF pool was such a hoot tonight I think I'll save my joyous experience for tomorrow. I also discovered an amazing bagel recipe I tweaked a little and will post it momentarily. Good night!