Does the inside matter?

If you read this blog, you know I have been working hard to shrink. I've also been working hard to re-train my brain to love myself unconditionally, believe I am beautiful, reject the standards of beauty offered by the media, and work through so many emotional roadblocks that keep me from reaching my goal.

This is not easy. Two things have been on my mind lately. These are not necessarily related.

It was brought to my attention by a very very close friend who knew me all through high school, college, and post-college life, that I hid my insecurities and pain. She knows just about everything there is to know about the "softer" side of Steph and I don't mean my muffin-top.

This close friend confessed that she did not know I was insecure about my weight until years after high school. I honestly thought my friends and those around me knew how much I hated battling my weight. I really didn't know I hid it that well. To unintentionally hide it from someone who is one of my best friends made me wonder how I am actually perceived and if I habitually hide my real feelings. Why on earth would I do that? Hmmm.

I think it can be very scary to be honest about our insecurities. I don't always think it's healthy or appropriate to share all our insecurities to everyone we know. I do, however, think it's healing and cathartic to open up about things that cause us  pain and embarrassment. I am still in shock that I hid my biggest insecurities so well.

I explained to her that I was an unusual "fat" girl. I was unusual because I had (well, I still have) a personality that I feel is larger than life. I'm outspoken, usually outgoing, motivated, driven, and a goal oriented person. I was also very smart and very aware of my surroundings growing up. I am not sure if this is typical or not but I watched a lot of people and figured out what certain people did to be accepted and well-liked. I wanted to have friends because I thrive on being social. I was not a book worm or someone who found comfort in solidarity. I wanted to be surrounded by people, conversation, action, activities, and the excitement of high school.

I was smart enough to know that during jr. and high school years, a lot of people are judged by their looks. It is just the facts. I somehow knew that if I was quiet, soft spoken, and a wall flower, I would stay that way forever and I would never be happy. I knew that if I wanted people to look past my somewhat homely appearance (it's ok, I was a late bloomer, most of us were.) I had to work a little harder to get noticed. I think in working so hard to be happy, have friends, overcome my insecurities, and be part of the action, I put on a permanent happy face without even knowing it.

There were a select few who knew how I really felt about my weight, but the more people that discover I was insecure seem to be a little shocked. The paradox of this is that I did have happy, awesome, amazing, memorable times growing up, but when I reflect on my past, I see a very dark, depressed, insecure, sad girl who tried her very best to overcome these things on her own. I had a very tough time with this and perhaps I put my happiest face on around the people I wanted most to be my friends. I certainly didn't want to drag anyone down!

The reason it's healing for me to talk and write about these things is that it reminds me why I turned to food and "dishonest" behaviors often exhibited in addicts. Sometimes I felt like I was living a double life. Sometimes the pain of what I experiencing at home was so overwhelming that when I was at home or in private I was a very sad, angry, unpredictable kind of person but in public I put on my happy face for fear I would lose my friends or social life. When I say dishonest, I don't mean that I stole or lied, but that I wasn't true to myself or my feelings all the time and I was dishonest with myself about overeating.

I know this kind of behavior impacted my family. I don't know that it impacted my friends so much, but I know those who shared a roof with me know what I'm talking about. I still carry guilt and shame for being such an angry person at home. I still feel guilt about yelling and fighting with my loved ones and making them live in fear around me. I guess the only explanation I have is that it was very hard for me to sustain "fake happy" forever and at some point I was like the volcano that had to erupt sometime.

This is super personal and heavy but I have had a a rough few days and have not been able to pinpoint where some of these feelings have come from. After identifying my feelings of inadequacy and guilt from living a somewhat "double life," it makes things more clear for me. I think I will carry a certain amount of emotional baggage for a long time about the emotional and verbal abuse I endured as a child. Children are just not equipped with the tools to deal with some of the things I had to deal with growing up and so there were parts of me that were broken and even after years of counseling, I still feel broken sometimes. I'm much much much better, but there's still progress to be made.

I guess the second thought is related. So now what. What do I do? I remind myself where some of my emotional eating comes from, why I still feel guilt and shame, why I am so good at putting on the "fake happy" face, and want to work on being a whole person. I actually think I'm a lot worse at putting on fake happy face now, so I might scratch that one off the list. I just know there's a time and a place to pull out fake happy and when it's time for me to be honest with my feelings.

I think ugliness can come in all forms. Sometimes we become ugly on the inside because of how we feel about ourself and out of anger. I think ugliness is far more internal than external. So many of us think that being ugly means looking unattractive. I am guilty of this. I was reminded recently that ugliness can live on the inside and ridding myself of my inner-ugliness takes a lot of work, patience, soul searching, honesty, and tears.

I am still a work in progress. I am imperfect. I can't change my past but I can work on the present and make changes for the future. Right now working on the inside is just as important as the outside. I know that by allowing the Lord to take my heavy burdens, I will be relieved but it is so hard to just give it up. Sometimes it seems impossible to just give up pain, frustration, anger, hurt, resentment. It seems impossible to forgive some people. It seems impossible to let go of a grudge. I am not good at these things believe it or not. I am not generally an angry resentful person but man, when I feel anger and resentment it is powerful and those feelings have been very strong this week for lots and lots of reasons.

I have to work through these feelings. I have to figure out the root. I have to figure out where the hurt stems from. If I don't, I think I run the risk of covering it up with food again. It's actually a lot easier to accomplish this with the help of Dan. I think the best marriage is one where your other half can be your balancer. If our spouses reinforce that we are victims and powerless and we are justified in our negative behaviors and attitudes, there's a problem in my opinion. Dan is so good at validating my feelings and helping me figure out how to be a better person without telling me to just forget it and move on. I am so blessed.

Well here's to working on my inner-ugly rather than turning to food.

No matter how much I eat, the whole in my heart is still there

I know I've posted a lot about this topic but it's pretty obvious tonight that I still have a very big hole in my heart that I've been trying to fill with food for the past 3 years. I'm always inspired when I watch The Biggest Loser and since I was home alone tonight I had some time to process some things all alone. It seems like there's always been an emotional reason I would overeat. As a child, I felt left out all the time and like I didn't have any friends and no one liked me. I grew up in a home filled with a lot of yelling, anger, and guilt and it was confusing to me, the child. I know when I was young, especially when I felt lonely or angry at my dad for yelling at me, I would eat. Food was the only way I knew how to soothe my negative feelings. As I got older there was always something else that I didn't know how to cope with, so I would eat. I think I addressed this problem during my undergrad and really dealt with a lot of pain and worked on my "bad" habits. I realize it wasn't really my fault that I developed this habit, I didn't know any other way for a long time. Sometimes I still don't. In fact, I realize that I was taught this bad habit. My parents do the same thing. I don't fault them, but occasionally I judge them and sometimes even resent them, but I love them with all my heart. No one is perfect.

When I moved to Utah, I reverted back to my old habits. I started eating out, going out, and surrounding myself with people who love food as much as I do. I love all these people, but it made it really hard for me to be true to myself because truthfully, I didn't know who I was. It was like I had two people living inside me- the girl who loves spicy monster curly fries from Sconecutter, and the girl who craves quinoa and almonds in the morning. Within 2 weeks of moving to Utah my world came crashing down around me and honestly I still haven't recovered. Losing Hollie to a car accident still haunts me. I know that that loss and that trauma and that horrific experience triggered a lot of things to come out in me. All the parts I hated about myself came out- the parts that I had learned to control. I remember eating bowls and bowls of cereal one night. So much cereal that I thought I might throw up. That was an old way I would cope. I would binge. I would eat when I wasn't hungry. I would eat if I was lonely. I would eat foods that made me feel sick. It was all I had. I remember sobbing on the phone to my dad shortly after Hollie died and I asked him if it was ever going to get better and if the huge hole in my heart would ever disappear. He told me that I would have a hole in my heart for the rest of my life because of the friendship I had with Hollie and because she meant so much to me that it would be normal for me to have a hole in my heart for the rest of my life but I would eventually learn to live a more normal life. He's right that I live a more normal life but the hole in my heart is still there. I know there are still times that eat because I miss her and I do it without even realizing it. Sometimes I'm so afraid I'll lose someone else in my life that I eat because I'm terrified and anxious.

Most people that knew me before 2007 knew that I was outgoing, bubbly, and the life of the party. I think that I still have some of those qualities but I know for certain that I have become much more guarded and much more "homebound." I know that I often get anxious when I leave my house and I'm always anxious when Dan is driving somewhere. It's funny that I feel this way because I drive all over Utah teaching piano lessons! I just have more at stake now and know that it could all be taken away in a second if something happened like a car accident so I get anxious. I realized that I have not made any new close friends in any of my neighborhoods or wards since getting married. It's really hard for me to make close friends now and it used to be one of my best qualities! I have my close friends from grad school who mean the world to me but those friendships happen whether you want them or not because you basically live with these people until you graduate. Thankfully 99.9% of my friends from grad school are "my kind of people." I think what I'm trying to say is that I don't reach out to people the way I used to because deep down it's easier for me to keep people at arms length because when you get so close to someone and you become best friends with them when you say goodbye or move away or worst case scenario they die, it's too devastating to me. Anything that reminds me of losing Hollie is too much and I avoid most situations where I get really close to people now. This is sad. This isn't how I used to be. As I prepare to give up my snacking and emotional eating habit (even though I've improved on this bad habit!) I know that I have to continually confront these demons inside of me and I'm glad that I've started this blog because it gives me a place to write all my feelings down. It helps me be honest and truthful with myself and it helps me have compassion for myself and all I've been through.

I know that I still have a hole in my heart and that just makes me human, nothing will ever fill that hole, not even food. Try as I might, chocolate chip cookies just won't do the trick! I have to find some things that I enjoy doing so when I feel that urge to eat, I have something else to work on. I love sewing but sometimes I don't want to pull out my sewing machine and an entire sewing project so I've decided that when I'm having those urges I'm going to practice the piano. I haven't picked a piece to work on yet but I have a stack of about 10 I'm still trying to narrow it down from so at least I have options. Afterall, I did love piano so much at one time I decided to get a degree in it!

I know that I can do this. I know that life is really out of our control and it is our amazing creator, the Lord, who is in control. We can do all we can to guide our destiny and create our own happiness and I think that is how He intended it, but in the end He is really the one in control of everything and having faith that He will take care of me no matter what and that He is the source of all truth and happiness and salvation is an important thing for me to also remind myself of. I believe that I can all upon my higher power to get me through difficult trials and the last year of my life has definitely been a trial as I've tried to find the answer to my health and weight issues, so I'll be using that lifeline of prayer in the coming days as I embark on a new journey that doesn't involve medicating with food. Here's to the possibility of feeling a lot of pain this week! (and joy of course, I have a lot to be joyful about!)

I told you not to leave the bizmarks!!!

 I can't believe I missed a few days of blogging...and I'm not even teaching. I decided to take my friendless situation into my own hands and make friends with some of the single sisters in my ward. They are amazing. I feel so blessed to be in the ward I'm in and have made great friends with a few people. Dan and I had these awesome sisters over for dinner and we made our famous homemade giant stuffed soft pretzels. They were a HIT. One of the girls brought delicious cream filled bizmark doughnuts, maybe spelled bismarc, bismark, who cares. Well I ate one and it was delicious. Maybe it was so delicious because I usually just fantasize what those kinds of things taste like. Yes, I've had my share of doughnuts in my day but haven't had one since I saw the nutrition facts on a box about 2.5 years ago. They might as well be considered poison. Well I was feeling fancy and ate one for dessert. I asked her to take them and then we got chatting and she forgot to take them back with her. There were 3 left in the box and the next morning I seriously woke up thinking about the freaking bismarks!! What the heck? I tried to push the thought of the creamy, chocolate frosted doughnuts screaming at me out of my head but then I thought, just go eat the dang doughnut and get it over with, go to the gym, and eat something better for lunch. Well long story short I somehow ate all 3 in addition to a relatively healthy lunch and dinner. 3 bismarks. Moving on.

That was yesterday and now today I proved to myself that I do have self control and I can have "danger" foods around without consuming all of them. I follow a delicious blog called "the girl who ate everything," and she posts all kinds of things I would only dream of baking. I'm kind of funny that way- I really don't make bad foods for myself, sure I'll make cookies every once in awhile but for the most part I let other people make bad food and then eat it in large quantities. I rarely make really really naughty foods like homemade oreos. Well for about a month or so I've been going back to her post about homemade oreos and soft molasses cookies. Dan was at work tonight so I decided to make them to keep myself entertained. I made half the recipe, ate 2 and then just let the rest sit right in front of me while I finished an hour long show on my laptop. Seriously, I didn't eat anymore! This is basically unheard of for me and cookies but I really think every now and then I have little moments of progress that to some might seem like no big deal but to me it gives me hope that one day I will be free of emotional and compulsive eating or just plain over-eating! I didn't have overwhelming feelings to eat any more than I did, I just ate what I wanted and put the rest in a bag and I know there are plenty more for me to eat and I can have more if I want to and I don't have to feel guilty for eating them. Since I ate a big lunch at the temple I just figured the two cookies counted as dinner anyway and didn't eat anything else.

I do have a new year's eve pizza party tomorrow night and I'm kind of freaked out about it because it's a family party. Now don't get me wrong, I love love love my family but when I'm in really happy lovey dovey situations sometimes that's when my celebratory feasting is at its worst. I just eat and eat and eat to go along with all the great feelings I'm already feeling around the family. It doesn't help that the food is pizza- probably on the top 5 most tempting foods for me. We'll see how I do. I'll workout hard, eat good meals for breakfast and lunch and most of all NOT show up hungry. Wish me luck!

Oh yeah, one more thing- my new playlist has some new songs that might seem unusual, but I couldn't resist putting one of Neil Diamonds most powerful songs on the playlist, so don't just skip it, alright?

the best intentions

AH! Another day missed! Oh boy. All I can attribute that too is pure exhaustion. I am giving myself some love and acceptance though because I am under a huge amount of pressure. I am excited to announce that I passed my recital preview and will be giving my recital next Saturday. The following week I have a final, a research paper due, and my oral defense (technically called an oral exam) where my committee interviews me about anything they'd like. I am starting to really see the light at the end of my tunnel.

During this crazy week of living in my car, I ate some fast food. I immediately felt the awful effects of eating out. I am really trying to recognize how food makes me feel, not just how it tastes. I noticed when I ate some chicken nuggets I really started feeling bloated and icky on the inside. Somehow though, I managed to eat them all which is really strange to me. I had the light bulbs go off- WHY DO I EAT THINGS THAT MAKE ME FEEL LIKE CRAP???? The same thing happened on Tuesday. My lunch plans were dashed by moldy cheese so I ate out AGAIN and felt sick. I started getting a headache almost immediately. I think sometimes I eat bad food because I am confused about what really tastes good. Once you start eating processed food you start to get hooked on certain flavors and I'm convinced that MSG has addictive qualities. I can't back this up with science but I'm sure it's out there. Why else would be people go back for more? So my question for today is why do you eat out? How does it make you FEEL? Why is eating out so much more "convenient" "tasty" "fast" "easy" "insert your reason" than just making your own food when you know you're going to be out. I know that eating out can mean a lot of things- but I'm not talking about a delicious fancy restaurant- I'm talking about the crap that comes through the drive up window in a brown bag 3 minutes after you order it. I rarely ate out when I lived in Idaho and since moving to Utah I seriously eat in ways I never ever dreamed I would, it's kinda yucky! I usually end up eating out on Mondays and or Tuesdays when I'm living out of my car the most. So this week I'm paying attention to how food makes me feel on the inside. I just ate a homemade bagel and I feel full and satisfied but a little on the light headed side. I also ate an amazing 12 grain home made hot cereal early this morning and didn't feel bloated, headachy, or sick- I just felt good. I know when I eat certain foods I feel like my body is working properly. I'm trying to remember all those foods from my past- Here's a little list I've come up with. I actually eat quite a few of these still!

1. Spinach
2. Beans
3. Apples
4. Natural peanut butter
5. Ezekial bread
6. rice noodles
7. lots of vegetables
8. Salmon
9. green peppers
10. hummus
11. plain yogurt
12. quinoa
13. soy milk

Well here's to another day of teaching and being busy. I don't know where my gym habits are- I have only exercised ONCE this week. One thing at a time. I just have to prioritize and give myself lots of unconditional love right now.

Whirlwind

I am posting SOMETHING right now  before I wake up and realize it's the next day...again. I have been such a whirlwind and it's not going to get any better until I graduate. I am going to make this a quick post and hopefully, HOPEFULLY have/make time to put some more thoughts on here today. I passed my recital preview with flying colors and received so many positive comments and suggestions about making some of my songs even better. It gave me so much confidence, which quite frankly, I haven't had much of during this graduate program. I am so excited to give this recital and be finished with school.

On a food note- I curse the lady at Wendy's who 1. offered chicken nuggets to me instead of a chicken sandwich because it would have taken 3 minutes to cook a sandwich. and 2. threw in an extra 5-piece nugget to make up for it.

The real person I am disappointed in is ME. I didn't make time to pack a healthy lunch yesterday. I am fitting the profile of the "unconscious chaotic eater" almost more than an "emotional eater" these days. I don't think I've even gone to a Wendy's since before I met Dan! It was the only food place on the way to my student's house and I caved when I saw their advertisement for "all natural french fries with sea salt." Oh well, gotta get ready to go see the endocrinologist!!!!

I must like punishing myself

Oh man. Today was kind of a day. I would like to publicly announce that I love going out to eat with people. This is one of my favorite things to do and got to do it 3 times today. The only problem is that with 3 out to eats I had to go to the gym for Zumba tonight and it was so boring. More on that later.

So I did have a first today. I usually go to Mexican food with girl friends because Dan won't eat Mexican. Well I love Mexican food and I love the chips and salsa and I think that of all restaurant foods Mexican is the most dangerous for me. Dan can eat massive amounts of pasta and I can eat massive amounts of chips, salsa, beans, cheese, sour cream, guacamole, etc. Controlling myself at a Mexican restaurant felt impossible until today. Did I still eat past the point of comfort? Yes. But did I stop long before I normally would? Yes.  I had a few chips before my meal and then a few after. We didn't even go through one basket!!! I usually eat at least an entire basket by myself before, during, and after my meal. I didn't finish my lunch special and took it home in a box. Yay for restraint, but boo for overeating just a little. Practice.

So the next out to eat was not as bad. I ordered a wedge salad which was loaded with blue cheese dressing which really has nothing good to brag about but I did eat a salad instead of a burger and fries. If I hadn't gone to Mexican I probably would have done the burger thing but since I had already eaten a heavy lunch I opted for the light small wedge salad and I loved every bite. Wedges are the BEST.

So the 3rd out to eat was a big fat gross mistake. I went to visit Dan with the intention of not eating ANYTHING for Coney's. That place is kind of becoming the death trap for me. I go in there and suddenly I'm being bombarded with FREE FOOD. Who can say no to free food? Well I'm just going to have to learn how because Coney's might be one of the sore spots weighing me down in life...literally. Well one thing led to another with Dan in the back room and next thing you know we've eaten a peanut butter burst Sunday and chocolate and key lime pie frozen custard. It must have totaled at least 600 calories. It was soo good though.

Well for exercise I ran for 30 minutes this morning and then went to Zumba so I definitely met my exercise quota for the day! It felt good to run. I'm getting stronger and faster which is an incredible feeling. Zumba was so boring. I have to give high fives to the instructor though- it wasn't really her fault. The class was full of older overweight ladies there for the first time so the whole routine was dumbed down just a bit and so I didn't feel like I got the same intense workout I usually do. Oh well, at least I went and sweated!

Today makes 30 days I have journaled. I am really proud of myself. I have started to see patterns in my life and in my eating and had a lot of emotional stuff surface. Figuring out everything I need to will probably take years of practice and discipline. I am happy with becoming aware of my weaknesses. I know that my weaknesses will be made strong through my Savior, Jesus Christ. With Him, ALL things are possible. He's really helping me to see clearly where I struggle. I know I will find the solution with time and patience with myself. I think once I'm finished with school I'm going to do a good old fashioned cleanse just to give my body a chance to get rid of things it doesn't have time to get rid of when I'm eating regularly. I'm also going to look into having some energy work done if I can find someone with training and philosophies I agree with. I know that a lot of my emotional baggage is not a reflection about how I feel right now in this stage of life, but it's a reflection of how I've felt in the past and how much I've carried with me over the years. I need to get rid of this baggage or I'll never move forward. Good night!

Preparing to let the old Stephanie die.

My favorite show right now is "Ruby." I can't tell you anything about her other than you can watch her shows on netflix and when she started losing weight she was almost 500 pounds. I am so inspired by her! Her doctor said something that almost brought me to tears this morning. He told her that she has to accept that the old ruby is dying. The morbidly obese Ruby is dying and there is a new Ruby now. For some reason that hit me really really hard. I was overweight in high school and wanted nothing more than for the overweight Stephanie to die. I felt like my weight held me back in SO many ways. I felt like being overweight didn't allow me to reach my potential. I just felt that being fat was a giant obstacle. I would dream about what it felt like to to be skinny. What it would be like to buy a prom dress instead of have your mom have to make you one...telling yourself it was because you wanted to design it yourself. What would it be like to shop at the Buckle? What would it be like to not have the outside of of the sole of your shoes wear out so fast? What would it be like to wear a white t-shirt and jeans? What would it be like to put your shoes on or your pants on by raising your knee straight up instead of having to put your ankle sideways on your knee first (If you're fat, you know what I'm talking about, if you've never been fat you can't appreciate that one!) What would it be like to see my ankle and wrist bones? What would it be like to have friends to share clothes with? What would it be like to pick your clothes out based on what you liked instead of what actually FITS? What would it feel like to not have your shirt get stuck in your fat rolls when you sat down? Well at one point, I knew what all those things felt like, but only after I lost 60 pounds. I am within a few pounds of what I weighed in high school and ask myself a lot of those same questions again, only this time it goes something like this, "What would it feel like to [insert wish] AGAIN?"

Well I am comfortable in my ways. It is easy to maintain your status quo. It is easy to not have rules. But it's also hard to realize that the weight didn't really hold you back the way you thought it did. I am happier now than I ever was 60 pounds thinner. I know a lot of that has to do with age, maturity, being married, having more goals, etc. But really, I love myself now more than I ever did when I achieved my dream weight. I always thought, I'll get skinny and THEN I'll be happy. THEN I'll get everything I hoped and dreamed of. Well, yeah, I got more boys to kiss me and like me but that didn't bring me happiness, quite the opposite actually. But I wanted so badly to experience that. I wanted to know what it felt like to have a guy SEE you and like you...not get to know you and then like you. I wanted to experience all of that because I never got those experiences in high school. Well, it's fun and exciting but it never brought me joy or happiness.

I was so happy being able to be fit and active and climb mountains and bike and keep up with my skinny friends. I felt so free when I went shopping, I didn't have to wonder if things came in my size or if the sales girls were wondering why I was even browsing in their store. It felt good to buy CLOTHES at the cute clothes stores instead of just jewelry. It really did feel good to conquer my "fat demons" and my "food demons" but in the end I was still searching for myself and searching for acceptance. Now I have acceptance from my loving husband and I am happy with the accomplishments in my life. It's hard to want to suffer again because let's face it, sticking to a program brings amazing feelings of accomplishments but it is hard and you have to give up things that you don't want to. It really is a kind of death in a way. I have to give up the girl who goes to a party or social gathering and eats 2 days worth of food. I like that girl! I love those moments!

I have to give up the girl who eats her feelings.

I have to give up the girl who thinks about food all the time.

I have to give up some very very very pleasurable things in order to achieve something greater. I am having a hard time with it. Once you get that ball rolling, you don't want to stop it. I just can't bring myself to get it rolling!!! I know I'm on my way and I know the ball is moving, it's just not moving as fast I know it can. I know Ruby's doctor meant something a little different, but I am having a hard time letting this Stephanie die because I am really really happy right now. It's hard to imagine being any happier than I am right now. It occurred to me that the skinny Stephanie wasn't happy so there's less motivation to go back there. It's complicated isn't it?

I think ultimately I have to put the past behind me, start fresh, and really let those negative emotions and feelings die. Give up the fears. Give up the frustrations. Give up the fear of discomfort. I have to accept that I am a different person now than I was then. I'm different than I was in high school and I'm not trying to lose weight for the same reasons I was back then. I think the reasons were always the same in my past and they were strong and loud in my head. The reasons now are more personal and not driven by others. To be honest they're not as loud and mean and forceful. Sometimes I get the overwhelming sense of guilt and depression from overeating but I don't get it as much as I did back in the day. I think I am trying to redefine my reasons for doing what I'm doing and redefine my end goal and what it looks like to me. It needs to be positive. It can't be because I want to prove something to someone. I am making baby steps in getting to the bottom my issues with food and weight and I think this is the only way I can ever hope to achieve health and strength for the rest of my life.

PS the AF pool was such a hoot tonight I think I'll save my joyous experience for tomorrow. I also discovered an amazing bagel recipe I tweaked a little and will post it momentarily. Good night!

The Pie.

So yesterday when I was under my calories by 695? Yeah...I made it up today by eating dinner at The Pie in Salt Lake. I used to eat there all the time but I haven't eaten there since my last recital back in April. I did eat lots of vegetables at lunch and enjoyed the most delicious apple from a farmer's market. I think I enjoyed that apple so much I will go buy an entire box! There is something so wonderful and delicious about locally grown fruits and vegetables. I love apples. Well I feel really sick- not because of food- but because  I think I've caught a bug. I can hardly swallow and I'm hoping it's not strep. On that note, I will now rest my head upon my pillow and sleep in as long as possible. Hydration, Airborne, vitamins, and better nutrition tomorrow will be my plan!

The Truth Hurts

It's Halloween. Duh. I would like to announce that leaving my ipod and my brain at home today were my two biggest mistakes today. I track my calories as I go with my ipod but TODAY I tracked my calories 5 minutes ago and about died of horror when I saw the grand total. I'm working on being honest. I'm working on being honest even when I don't want to be. It's hard to be truthful but the truth really does set you free. Since really being honest, even when I blow it, I have been able to see what my big downfalls are and where I need to improve. I always tell my mom that life is stressful and she should find a program that works for her under stressful circumstances because she is always telling me that she would do better on her eating habits if her life wasn't so crazy and I always respond with "the stress isn't going to go away, we both know this, so find a way to eat healthy even when you're stressed"

Boy is it about time for me to take my own advice? Isn't it interesting that advising others is so easy yet taking our own advice is painful at times. Well I'm not a failure because I was honest about everything I ate today. I have been honest for the past couple weeks in fact and that is an important step in recovering from my food addiction. I can diet with the best of them. I can follow any program for a period of time- but when life throws me lemons I don't make lemonade. I make a lemon pie, lemon ice cream, lemon cookies, lemon pizza, fried lemons...the list goes on. I was not as truly aware of this self sabotaging behavior until recently. I've been so on target with my eating habits for the last several months that I haven't really looked at myself as having a problem to fix.

As all bad habits seem to reappear, so has my habit of eating out of control and using food as a drug. I know that sounds harsh but I think in my case I have such a messed up relationship with food and I have such severe mistrust with myself that I need to baby step my way to healing and gaining my health back. I pulled out my Overeaters Anonymous book tonight and read some powerful passages.

Chapter 1. In OA we begin our program of recovery by admitting that we're powerless over food. Some of us have difficulty with this admission because we've had so much experience in trying to control our eating. At one time, or periodically, most of us were able to do so. Our eating may be out of control right now, we persisted in thinking, but someday soon we'll again muster the strength of character needed to check our eating excesses, and this time we'll keep them under control. For all of us, however, the days of controlled eating grew fewer and farther apart, until at last we came to OA, looking for a new solution...We ate to sate the fears, the anxieties, the angers, the disappointments. We ate to escape the pressures of our problems or the boredom of everyday life. We procrastinated, we hid, and we ate...Before we came to OA and began discussing our experiences honestly with other compulsive overeaters, we didn't realize how much we had damaged ourselves and others by attempting to manage every detail of life. It was only after we began to recover that we saw the childish self-centeredness of our willful actions. By trying to control others through manipulation and direct force, we had hurt our loved ones. When we tried to control ourselves, we wound up demoralized. Even when we succeeded, it wasn't enough to make us happy. We hid from our pain by eating, so we didn't learn from our mistakes; we never grew up. Some of us resisted step one because it seemed like negative thinking. If we tell ourselves we're powerless over food, we reasoned, then we program ourselves to go right on eating compulsively! Later we discovered that, far from being a negative factor, the admission of our powerlessness over food opened the door to an amazing newfound power. For the first time in our lives, we recognized, acknowledged, and accepted the truth about ourselves. We are compulsive overeaters...Denial of the truth leads to destruction. Only an honest admission to ourselves of the reality of our condition can save us from our destructive eating...In step one, we acknowledge this truth about ourselves; our current methods of managing have not been successful, and we need to find a new approach to life. Having acknowledged this truth, we are free to change and to learn. 

I believe that honesty really is the first step. Honesty doesn't mean being perfect. I will have days when I eat more than is comfortable. I will have days when I eat a healthy, delicious, balanced diet. I will have days that seem impossible. I will repeat mistakes and fear the judgement of others. I will have days full of regret. I hope that the days filled with negativity become fewer and fewer. I know that right now I am honestly spinning out of control. I am too busy. I am too stressed. I will do my best to manage my stress until I graduate in December.

I am able to identify some of my fears and triggers for overeating. I am terrified that I won't graduate. I am terrified every week that when I go for my voice lesson I will be told that I shouldn't be singing and I have no business in the program. I am scared that I am not good enough and that I am not cut out to be a singer.

I am scared that people will judge me when they see me. I am scared that my friends will look at me and immediately think, "oh sad, she got married and gave up on life now that she has a husband." I also fear that their next thought will be pity thoughts for my husband for marrying a woman who has already given up her girlish figure in their first year together.

I am scared that I will lose the love of my life in a car accident. Every time I commute across the Wasatch front I stress about my safety. I fear that someone else won't be paying attention and cause a car accident. See, I lost one of my best friends in a car accident 3 years ago and have thought about her every day. I carry with me an irrational fear that someone I love very much will die that way again. I also lost an incredible cousin to a car accident involving a foggy night and a moose almost 1 year ago. He left behind a beautiful wife of one year and one month and parents who loved him more than anything, and of course he left behind an entire family of siblings and cousins and grandparents who miss him terribly. I fear that something similar will happen to me and so every time I get in a car of I know Dan is driving on the interstate I am tense. Don't worry I've spent a lot of time in counseling to help me with these fears and anxieties but they don't just disappear.

I am scared that I will have to provide for us financially for 3 years when Dan goes to graduate school and I'm afraid I won't be able to do it which leads me to negative thinking about my choice of college degrees.

I sometimes feel bullied by my music students. I am afraid to honestly tell some of them that the reason they don't progress is because they don't practice and that their efforts are half hearted and unacceptable.

OK that about sums it up for now. We could probably all write novels about fears and disappointments and things that stress us out. The beauty of these things are that I'm learning to be more honest and open about the things that stress me out. I am a strong believer in counseling and doing so in a way that allows you to become responsible for your thoughts, words, and actions rather than living in denial about your own power and trying to blame someone or something else for your problems. Ultimately I believe that our Savior is the only way to overcoming struggles, temptations, and habits. Tomorrow I am going to post a special little homework assignment about honesty and learning to rest in the peace, love, and mercy of the Lord. Until then I think my watery eyes should find some rest.

The beauty of girl talk, if only guys knew what they were missing

I love my girl friends. Today I got to talk to a few of my favorite girl friends and we all seemed to be in agreement about several things. Here they are in no particular order.

1. Halloween candy should really be bought minutes before trick-or-treaters arrive but in all reality it's the best excuse in the world to fill your house with bags and bags and bags of candy and secretly eat them all and put the wrappers in a place your children and or husband will never find for fear of being judged

2. Being a working woman is stressful no matter what career you're in. The idea of being a stay at home mom with NO job sounds like the best idea of the century. Sure every woman needs to be ABLE to take care of herself and her needs but let's be honest I'm all about traditional gender roles and can't wait to have kids and a piano studio on the side and hope all my single lady friends get to do the same one day

3. Cookies might be the best invention ever. They really do wash your troubles away and Dan just brought me 3 mini ones warmed up in a bowl. Thank you honey!

4. Isn't it crazy that someone can be diagnosed with an eventually-life-threatening-yet-reversible illness, say insulin resistance for example, and still lack the ability/determination to make permanent changes in their lives? Now before you jump down my throat I say that to remind everyone including myself that food presents many problems for people these days. It's not so easy to just change your habits, especially the ones that bring constant and instant relief, pleasure, and security? It's easy to judge people with substance abuse addictions but food addiction is no different, it's just as hard to quit. More people die from obesity related illnesses than from lung cancer yet we don't think of food as something we are ADDICTED to (such a naughty word saved for smokers and alcoholics!!!) My point is that "dieting" or changing your life as I like to think of it is HARD and if it were easy then we would all just wake up and do it but it's complicated and hard and in reality most people never do it. I don't want to be one of those people and I choose NOT to be one of those people who is forever ruled by food and negative emotions associated with food such as guilt and shame.

5. Reserving one day a week to lay in bed ALL day with or without clothing with your lover should be a requirement...however, doing so even for a few hours just fuels the mind body and soul.

6. Exercising daily is such a good habit to get into. Even if your eating habits are lame for a day or so or even several days, the overall health benefits you get from exercising daily are so important and will usually balance out the damage you might do from a couple days of overeating. I am 100% convinced that exercise ALONE is not the answer or solution to obesity and does not really make you lose weight but exercising does wonders for you mind body and soul and I feel sad on the days I miss a workout. In my opinion, losing weight is 80% or more about WHAT and HOW MUCH you eat rather than your activity level. That's just been my experience.

Today was a much better food day for me. I am keeping my head above water until next week when I cancel all my lessons and give myself some much needed one-on-one time with my music and my voice.  Yes I love teaching and my students but for some reason I just hit a wall and need some time to breathe. I know that stress is dangerous to one's body and I try to prevent stress in my life. I cannot maintain this much stress in my life (school and teaching) and so something must give and next week I am taking a break from lessons to keep my sanity. So about the food...

Vegetables are in a few of my food journal entries (which has its own link now!!) Tonight I microwaved a big bowl of frozen veggies (normandy blend) and topped it with a little bit of Kraft light Italian vinegar dressing and it was the bomb! Dan cooked an awesome dinner of whole wheat pasta, chicken, and low fat alfredo and it was pure comfort food. I actually had meals instead of constant snacking all day. I love to graze but I need substantial meals to keep me fueled or I end up overeating. The only bad part about today was that I didn't work out. There was one tiny little hour where I could have exercised and usually do on Wednesdays but I didn't get very much sleep last night and instead chose to watch "Toddlers in Tiaras" in bed with Dan under warm fluffy blankets. He' such a sport. I wish I would have had the energy boost from a workout but taking some time to relax was much needed. Well I am seeing the light and doing the best to not give up even during these incredibly stressful time.

These are all unrelated to food and exercise but some things that bring joy to my heart.

Oh Dan, how you melt my heart

I LOVE this baker's rack. We have a very small kitchen and I love having a place to prepare my culinary creations

The fabulous junk bins at target...Dan found these things for us to try on. A typical scene of us acting like children. We're easily entertained and it makes me happy.

This is what Dan wanted to be for Halloween...but as his wife I saved him from making a big mistake

Somewhere in the wild mountains of Utah.

WIPE OUT!!!!

I remember an old voice teacher telling me how her weight watchers points counting for the day spelled a big fat wipe out and she would start again tomorrow. I think today spells wipe out for me. If you are in school then you know the time of the semester when you realize all in one moment that everything is about to hit the fan no matter what you've done to prevent this and suddenly the last day of school is coming at you a million miles an hour? yeah, today was that day for me. As I was driving to salt lake I realized I didn't bring my wallet. I was talking on the phone to Dan and told him I couldn't find my wallet and asked him to look around at home for it. He said he found it and I just started bawling. I started crying about how I am so unorganized and I can't even walk from one room to the other without feeling like I'm going to trip on my bags and my shoes I've left all over and that I am so stressed and so busy that when I finally get home at night I have zero energy or desire to do the slightest bit of housework and to top it off it got really ugly when I was howling "I DON'T WANT TO LIVE OUT OF BAGS ANYMORE!!! I DON'T WANT TO PACK MY CAR FULL OF 7 BAGS EVERY TIME I LEAVE THE HOUSE. I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS!!!!!!" I think he was a slightly concerned about my sanity but I did have a point...I hate having the laptop bag, the lunch bag, a general purse bag, the music/homework bag, the piano bag, the prize bag, the gym clothes bag...yeah I really pack all those bags most of the time. I don't know how in the heck my life got so packed. One day I was completing my homework assignments 5 days before they were due and now I am barely getting them printed off minutes before I'm supposed to hand them in. Well, that was just today...but still. Today was a wake up call that I need to slow down and focus on my priorities before it's too late. I am NOT prepared for my upcoming recital. I have 1 month before my preview and all my music is half memorized and some of it is barely learned. How am I going to do this??? I am singing some of the hardest music I've ever learned and have been working on some of it since June and it's still hard and impossible. I think that my days are so packed that I haven't had time to internalize my music because I live each day hour by hour instead of taking time each day to let my music set in.

 As I reflected upon today it's easy to see why some days end up in massive caloric destruction. I had an awesome healthy breakfast of whole wheat pancakes and milk, roughly 350 calories and then a snack of an apple, and then came lunch- I got behind schedule with teaching and rehearsals and went to Arby's because they're the fastest place with a 250 calorie sandwich for $1 that has minimal fat grams. I inhaled my delicious ham sandwich, ran to the library, finished my assignment, ran to teach another voice lesson, ran to class, tried to heat up my leftover dinner (when I say leftover I really mean a dinner from about 2.5 months ago I stuck in the freezer for days like this) and this leftover dinner was less than desirable. Phyllo dough does NOT reheat well. Well after class I had technical difficulties with my computer so I couldn't print off my assignment, I was already 15 minutes late to my last 2 students and then I walk outside to a snow storm and a $15 parking ticket on my car. I cancelled my lessons and consumed as many tootsie rolls as a person can along the I-15 corridor stretch from Salt Lake to American Fork.  What was I thinking??? Allowing the prize bag to ride shot gun with me??? That's one reason I quit putting food and treats in the prizebag!! Sometimes I would put these disgusting dollar store cookie packs in the prize bag and when I was stressed I'd tear into them and think they tasted good when in reality they are disgusting and ghetto. The same thing happened when I would put dollar store fruit snacks in the prize bag- I would end up eating them!!!! WHO DOES THAT!!! Well, I do. As a rule I don't keep candy or food in the prize bag but with Halloween I couldn't resist replacing my junk toys from China with delicious tootsie rolls and Dots. Boy did I ever go to town on those tootsie rolls tonight. The inside of my car looks like and explosion of tootsie roll wrappers. Don't worry it doesn't stop there. I ask Dan what he wants for dinner and we decide it's the best plan to just get a $5 pizza (of course that's the BEST plan!! LOL!!) Well, 3 pieces of of pizza later I'm finally in bed under warm blankets wishing today was just a bad dream. Well right now it's probably best that I fill out my the survey on my Arby's receipt so I can get a free roast beef sandwich. Well I did eat an apple and some vegetables during my attempt to eat a leftover dinner. I think tomorrow will be a better day. I'm also going to be fair to myself and cancel a couple weeks of teaching so I have an entire week to devote to practicing. On the up side my husband was so concerned about my state of mind that when I got home the house was spotless and he had two pj options on the bed for me to pick from, how sweet??? I would go crazy without him. I just have to give him a shout out and tell him how much I love him. If it wasn't dark and raining right now I'd go out and take a picture of the inside of my car to showcase the tootsie roll explosion. It's kind of funny....

Well, today I lost my sanity. I hope I find it again tomorrow. I hope I can have the courage to cancel all piano lessons next week...I am such a scare-dy cat when it comes to cancelling...so many feelings of disappointing others...

I don't even know what this blog is about anymore!! One day I'm writing about nutrition and exercise and the next day it's about my breakdowns and piano lessons. Maybe tomorrow I'll post a sweet recipe involving fresh fall foods and how 100 ways to use a pumpkin. I hope everyone reading this knows what it's like to get to the end of their rope and consume a bag of tootsie rolls because misery loves company and I would feel much better about myself knowing I'm not the only one who has a wipe out every now and then. 

I'm sooooo tired!

This is Dan. Steph is laying next to me telling me what to type.  How many dudes do you know that blog? Something brilliant has happened two nights in a row.  I have fallen asleep without the aid of a book or a tv show.  For the past 3 years I've struggled with insomnia.  Not to blame everything on my thyroid, but, since I've been on medication for it I have noticed I fall asleep so much easier.  I'm so tired I'm making my husband type this.

We came to Idaho but have nothing but shameful things to write about in terms of food.   But since this is an honesty blog I will be honest and say I ate to the point of severe discomfort at a family outing to Craigo's Pizza.  I wasn't even hungry when we went in.  But somehow I managed to eat enough pizza and dessert pizza to make me want to curl up in the fetal position till morning.  It's been a long time since I've overeaten this much.  Maybe I need to read my overeaters anonymous book.  I know something about myself: big social functions = disaster for my eating.  I eat when I'm happy and surrounded by family and friends in a way that I would never eat when I'm alone.  I get so caught up in the excitement of the social interaction that the feeling of doing something special that I lose touch of fullness and hunger and seek to prolong the feelings of pleasure by eating and eating and eating...and eating.  This happens until I need a wheelbarrow to carry me out.  This habit has gotten better since being married because I am so much more content.  But, being back home in Idaho usually triggers these old habits of gorging myself.  After I conquered this habit during my undergrad I would get really angry and depressed when I would spend time at home.  I would get even more angry if my mom had food around.  I wanted to blame my family and their eating habits for my weight problem in high school.  Now that I am struggling with my weight again it seems that old habits of eating to prolong the feelings of pleasure rather than just enjoying company without food happens more regularly.  It is a very hard habit to break. I feel so full it reminds me of a time when my late friend Hollie went to Texas Roadhouse in high school and consumed baskets and baskets of rolls and french fries while talking about life and boys.  We could hardly move after and were sick all night.  I could name many other times this has happened.  It is worse than Thanksgiving dinner.  I guess the thing to learn from tonight is that just because your family takes you to a pizza buffet you don't have to eat pizza until you are sick.  Novel idea eh?

Now here is Dan and his experience with the pizza buffet.  I was full going into the pizza buffet.  I could have been content with going to bed not eating anything more for the day.  However, it turned out that the family was really wanting to eat and I thought it would be fun.  I was at first nervous because I hadn't brought my wallet because we had been doing family pictures beforehand.  But Steph's dad picked up the check.  At that point I felt almost obligated to stuff my face.  After I was full I was a bit self conscious because I didn't want to appear ungrateful.  So I did eat more than I would have wished to.  But for me I just have to chalk it up to an unusual circumstance.  For me food is not so emotionally charged.  It really wasn't hard for me to let it go.  The biggest consequences I think I will feel after this experience is what ever happens to me tomorrow morning in the bathroom and possibly having "tooting" competitions with steph all night.  Steph could have had a similar experience with tonight if it weren't for her past experience.  I always try and tell her and encourage her to diffuse her feelings around food.  It is not so much about positive and negative emotions as it is about the strength of the emotions.  When steph is happy about food she is really happy, but when she is sad she is really sad.  Most  of the time I put food in my mouth I get excited if it is something I like but I never get upset with myself or eating something.  That's because I think I have a healthy sense of apathy toward food.  I care enough about it to enjoy it and to feed myself but not enough so that it can potentially wreck my day.  I'm not trying to downplay the struggle some people have with food.  I'm just saying that maybe the solution is not to frantically beat one's self up but rather to attempt to diffuse the emotion to the point of healthy apathy.

Now this is steph again.  I get scared that if I don't fill myself with negative emotions and punish myself for overeating that I will give up and do binge eat every day.  That is just the psychology of my situation.  I'm not saying it is useful or not, that is just the process I go through.  It's times like tonight when I wish there was an eject button on the contents of my stomach because if I could get out all the extra food I would feel better.  If you actually do go for the eject button I guess that is what they call an eating disorder.  Don't worry I'm fortunate enough to no struggle with that.  If any of you reading can relate I strongly recommend the Overeaters anonymous book.  It is wonderful and can put a true binge into perspective.  I think journaling this way that I did tonight is more effective than counting calories.  Right now in this moment I feel like a failure.  After a person overeats like this there is so much fear that it will happen again.  Especially since it has been a long time since it happened.  Now there is a lot of fear that I will crash and eat like this every night.  The honest truth is that tonight I am reminded that I am a recovering food addict.