The Truth Hurts

It's Halloween. Duh. I would like to announce that leaving my ipod and my brain at home today were my two biggest mistakes today. I track my calories as I go with my ipod but TODAY I tracked my calories 5 minutes ago and about died of horror when I saw the grand total. I'm working on being honest. I'm working on being honest even when I don't want to be. It's hard to be truthful but the truth really does set you free. Since really being honest, even when I blow it, I have been able to see what my big downfalls are and where I need to improve. I always tell my mom that life is stressful and she should find a program that works for her under stressful circumstances because she is always telling me that she would do better on her eating habits if her life wasn't so crazy and I always respond with "the stress isn't going to go away, we both know this, so find a way to eat healthy even when you're stressed"

Boy is it about time for me to take my own advice? Isn't it interesting that advising others is so easy yet taking our own advice is painful at times. Well I'm not a failure because I was honest about everything I ate today. I have been honest for the past couple weeks in fact and that is an important step in recovering from my food addiction. I can diet with the best of them. I can follow any program for a period of time- but when life throws me lemons I don't make lemonade. I make a lemon pie, lemon ice cream, lemon cookies, lemon pizza, fried lemons...the list goes on. I was not as truly aware of this self sabotaging behavior until recently. I've been so on target with my eating habits for the last several months that I haven't really looked at myself as having a problem to fix.

As all bad habits seem to reappear, so has my habit of eating out of control and using food as a drug. I know that sounds harsh but I think in my case I have such a messed up relationship with food and I have such severe mistrust with myself that I need to baby step my way to healing and gaining my health back. I pulled out my Overeaters Anonymous book tonight and read some powerful passages.

Chapter 1. In OA we begin our program of recovery by admitting that we're powerless over food. Some of us have difficulty with this admission because we've had so much experience in trying to control our eating. At one time, or periodically, most of us were able to do so. Our eating may be out of control right now, we persisted in thinking, but someday soon we'll again muster the strength of character needed to check our eating excesses, and this time we'll keep them under control. For all of us, however, the days of controlled eating grew fewer and farther apart, until at last we came to OA, looking for a new solution...We ate to sate the fears, the anxieties, the angers, the disappointments. We ate to escape the pressures of our problems or the boredom of everyday life. We procrastinated, we hid, and we ate...Before we came to OA and began discussing our experiences honestly with other compulsive overeaters, we didn't realize how much we had damaged ourselves and others by attempting to manage every detail of life. It was only after we began to recover that we saw the childish self-centeredness of our willful actions. By trying to control others through manipulation and direct force, we had hurt our loved ones. When we tried to control ourselves, we wound up demoralized. Even when we succeeded, it wasn't enough to make us happy. We hid from our pain by eating, so we didn't learn from our mistakes; we never grew up. Some of us resisted step one because it seemed like negative thinking. If we tell ourselves we're powerless over food, we reasoned, then we program ourselves to go right on eating compulsively! Later we discovered that, far from being a negative factor, the admission of our powerlessness over food opened the door to an amazing newfound power. For the first time in our lives, we recognized, acknowledged, and accepted the truth about ourselves. We are compulsive overeaters...Denial of the truth leads to destruction. Only an honest admission to ourselves of the reality of our condition can save us from our destructive eating...In step one, we acknowledge this truth about ourselves; our current methods of managing have not been successful, and we need to find a new approach to life. Having acknowledged this truth, we are free to change and to learn. 

I believe that honesty really is the first step. Honesty doesn't mean being perfect. I will have days when I eat more than is comfortable. I will have days when I eat a healthy, delicious, balanced diet. I will have days that seem impossible. I will repeat mistakes and fear the judgement of others. I will have days full of regret. I hope that the days filled with negativity become fewer and fewer. I know that right now I am honestly spinning out of control. I am too busy. I am too stressed. I will do my best to manage my stress until I graduate in December.

I am able to identify some of my fears and triggers for overeating. I am terrified that I won't graduate. I am terrified every week that when I go for my voice lesson I will be told that I shouldn't be singing and I have no business in the program. I am scared that I am not good enough and that I am not cut out to be a singer.

I am scared that people will judge me when they see me. I am scared that my friends will look at me and immediately think, "oh sad, she got married and gave up on life now that she has a husband." I also fear that their next thought will be pity thoughts for my husband for marrying a woman who has already given up her girlish figure in their first year together.

I am scared that I will lose the love of my life in a car accident. Every time I commute across the Wasatch front I stress about my safety. I fear that someone else won't be paying attention and cause a car accident. See, I lost one of my best friends in a car accident 3 years ago and have thought about her every day. I carry with me an irrational fear that someone I love very much will die that way again. I also lost an incredible cousin to a car accident involving a foggy night and a moose almost 1 year ago. He left behind a beautiful wife of one year and one month and parents who loved him more than anything, and of course he left behind an entire family of siblings and cousins and grandparents who miss him terribly. I fear that something similar will happen to me and so every time I get in a car of I know Dan is driving on the interstate I am tense. Don't worry I've spent a lot of time in counseling to help me with these fears and anxieties but they don't just disappear.

I am scared that I will have to provide for us financially for 3 years when Dan goes to graduate school and I'm afraid I won't be able to do it which leads me to negative thinking about my choice of college degrees.

I sometimes feel bullied by my music students. I am afraid to honestly tell some of them that the reason they don't progress is because they don't practice and that their efforts are half hearted and unacceptable.

OK that about sums it up for now. We could probably all write novels about fears and disappointments and things that stress us out. The beauty of these things are that I'm learning to be more honest and open about the things that stress me out. I am a strong believer in counseling and doing so in a way that allows you to become responsible for your thoughts, words, and actions rather than living in denial about your own power and trying to blame someone or something else for your problems. Ultimately I believe that our Savior is the only way to overcoming struggles, temptations, and habits. Tomorrow I am going to post a special little homework assignment about honesty and learning to rest in the peace, love, and mercy of the Lord. Until then I think my watery eyes should find some rest.