Get Ready to PARTY

So I have been recovering from my disappointments that took place during the month of February and part of March. Without rehashing my disappointments I am going to say this-

I am making progress


I am down almost 20 pounds


I have pants that are too big to wear


I can do boy push-ups


I have not had cookies in almost 3 months


My skin is more clear


I sleep better


I am getting close to one of my goals- being in the 100's


I have been focusing on all the things that haven't been happening rather than looking at all the positive things that have been happening. I know a few people who always have something to complain about and something that is negative and they see their glass as half-empty. I like to think I am a half-full kind of person but lately I am throwing glasses against the wall while saying swear words and screaming that even if there was water to fill the stupid glass up with, I wouldn't want it anyway. Metaphorically speaking of course.

So here's the weight loss update. I am 3.5 pounds away from being out of the 200's. My progress is slow but my battle right now isn't whether or not I am losing weight like it was for the last year. My battle now is 100% mental. I have been told that this is normal.

I am no stranger to weight loss. I successfully lost 60 pounds during my undergrad and kept it off for about 5 years. It has just been about 3 years since I have even been able to lose weight so I kind of forgot the mental battles that happen once you actually start losing weight.

My most common battle is fighting expectations. I think since I am paying a significant amount of my monthly food delivery, I expect fast results, key word being FAST. What I wasn't prepared for was slow and steady results, key word being SLOW.

I just had these huge expectations to lose like 20 pounds in a month or lose 12 pounds every month. Well...I am down 18.5 after almost 10 weeks. So on average that is 1.8 pounds a week. Why in the heck am I so disappointed with that? That is HUGE. I remember being really excited to lose 4-6 pounds a month at weight watchers. I think it's the whole cost and expectations thing that has had me in such a slump.

Dan and I have been very blessed in our first year of marriage considering I was still in graduate school until December and he is hopefully starting graduate school soon as well. Neither of us have degrees that lead right into a 60K/year salary....or bachelor degrees that really help us get high paying jobs....BUT we are both hard workers who live on a budget and because of that we feel very very blessed financially even though most likely make less than most people who read this blog.

That being said it is a sacrifice for us to pay for this program but it's a means to an end so that we can start trying to make babies. We used to budget $120/month on food for the two of us and yes, we have done that for our entire marriage even when our income tripled about 6 months into our marriage. Now, we budget $380/month for food so we can pay for the medifast. I put so much pressure on myself to get big results every week because of this financial aspect even though Dan assures me every month it is not a big deal and we still put money in our IRA every month and have plenty left over to save. Despite his reassurance I still have a hard time not putting pressure on myself to be losing massive amounts of weight.

I finally realized that is one of the biggest mental battles I am fighting right now. I still put pressure on myself to be "perfect" and unfortunately my body does not follow the "perfect" textbook way of weight loss and realistically it will take me twice as long to lose the same amount of weight as someone who doesn't share my stupid disease. I can't really control the rate at which I will lose weight but I can control how compliant I am with my program. It's not easy fighting myself and my own head.

I have been digging deep to discover the root of all my negativity and I believe it starts with all the pressure I put on myself and placing unrealistic expectations on myself.

My goal for the next month is to focus on the positive and focus on my accomplishments and really work on more positive self-talk. I better go to my lotus garden and do some sun salutations and meditate now.

No, really, I think the private conversations we have in our mind are powerful and can take us down a path of darkness and negativity, or we can change our way of thinking and work on being in a positive, hopeful place. I choose to be hopeful. I choose to be positive. I choose to love myself.