thoughts too inappropriate for FB

I kind of stopped putting anything too personal about my weight loss journey on FB because I think it just makes people feel awkward. I made this blog for my own venting purposes so I try not to screen my thoughts too much.

I feel like I've had so many debbie downer posts lately and someone is going to send me a personal message with one of those hotlines for people showing signs of major depression. don't worry, I'm ok, but just ok.

I would just like to say that I have an amazing body. I have a body that out of the blue gains 4.5 pounds overnight. I'm not lying. (That was from last night to today, and no I didn't eat more than my usual 1400 calories) I feel like I did before I started synthroid, like my body is some detached unit that is out of my control. Sometimes I really honestly feel good about my progress- I feel stronger, leaner, and like I am making progress. Then there is the other 75% of my life where I feel 100% hopeless. I really want to give up.

I am really on the verge of quitting. I am on the verge of throwing my scale out the window and giving up on ever getting to a healthy enough weight to think about having a baby. I am on the verge of storming my endocrinologists office and getting in someone's face and asking them what in the heck is going on with my body, stealing all their products that may have ANYTHING to do with weight loss, or heck, even storming a plastic surgeon's office and tell them to give me the lyposuction gun and no one gets hurt. I'm about to write in to TLC for the medical mystery show.

I was telling Dan today that I really try so hard to see the positive, to believe things can get better, to have hope that I'll find something that works, heck, I did Medifast for 4 months and made a little bit of progress! I just keep this little glimmer of hope in the back of my mind that someday I will find the balance. Some day I will find the perfect way of eating, the perfect kind of exercise, and the perfect amount of sleep and suddenly I will see my body change.

At the end of our very tearful (I was doing the crying, he was doing the holding) conversation I told him that I honestly don't know if it is in the cards for me to be at a healthy weight. It just seems so out of reach. It seems so out of my control. It seems so so so far away. I just seems like that's not what my body wants to do. I can be healthy in other ways like in terms of fitness and eating habits but I really don't know if reaching a healthy weight is possible for me. I think if it was, I would be able to see teeny tiny bits of progress and I'm being honest when I say I have not seen any weight loss since April. that is a long long long time for a body to be stuck.

Ok, ok. Let me pull myself together. At the end of all this despair there has to be some light, right? Well I am digging deeper than I've dug yet on this journey and although there isn't much hope, there is a little bit. That's all I need, is a little hope. With this little bit of hope I contacted a personal trainer and coach that I trust and made an appointment for an assessment. I gave her my food and exercise journals for the past few months and I know she will help me tweak them. Let me put this disclaimer out there- I am not perfect. I have bad days. I eat birthday cake. BUT overall I think I am healthy a lot more often than not. I'm hoping she can point me in the right direction and set me up with a program that will at least change things up a bit.

On a final happy note, I did do an incredible hike this weekend. It was roughly 8 miles with quite a bit of elevation, maybe 3000 vertical?  and yes, it still hurts to go down stairs right now. Dan had to do his CNA clinicals so I went with my dear friend KC, Hollie's cousin actually, and it was so nice to talk about Hollie and remember her and remember all the good times the 3 of us had together.

At the top of the hike, there's a big spring and I found Dan's chemistry goggles in his backpack so I took these pictures more for him but they actually made me laugh today so I'm going to insert them in here to make me laugh again. Maybe I'll just wear those goggles for the next little while so I have something to distract me when I look at myself in the mirror.