My doctor was very worried about me going on my trip but I knew I had to do this. I can honestly say it was the hardest thing I've ever done physically.
I was not prepared for how challenging this trip would be. I felt heat exhaustion every afternoon. I froze at night. I had a really difficult time tolerating any sort of temperature change. I attribute this to my thyroid issues.
I don't get along well with heat. I got so hot and so exhausted everyday that I really didn't know if I could make it to the end. I stayed hydrated but the stress on my body from carrying so much extra weight and my 40 pound pack mixed with the high temperatures was really hard on me.
Most of the trip was uncomfortable, painful, and just plain hard! This was my 3rd time doing the crest trail and I honestly don't think I'll do it again.
I had to face the reality that my body is so far from where it was 3 years ago..5 years ago..etc. This fact screamed at me louder as the days went on.
If the whole trail wasn't so insanely gorgeous and other-worldly, I probably would have bailed out after the first day.
I had a moment on top of hurricane pass that was sort of "life changing". I realized that I have been carrying so many extra burdens that I don't need and it makes my life like a freaking long backpacking trip with a 40 pound pack that I'm not really capable of carrying.
I made a promise to God that day. As I saw the first Teton poke through the meadow I was overcome with emotion. I was overcome because I was exhausted, I had conquered something I didn't think I'd ever conquer again, I was seeing the most beautiful place on earth with my best friend, and lastly, because I feel the power of my creator in these mountains in a way that I never feel His power anywhere else.
I made a promise to myself and to the Lord that I would stop hating myself, stop pressuring myself, stop telling myself I wasn't good enough, and to enjoy my life on earth more. I see how powerful the Lord is when I see these mountains and I was reminded of the feelings I've felt hiking in these mountains before. If the Lord is powerful enough to create these magnificent mountains, He is certainly powerful and magnificent enough to carry my burdens and lift them from my back. He is powerful enough to heal me from my pain. He is powerful enough to work miracles in my life. He created me and so I too must be beautiful and amazing because I came from Him.
I told Dan that when I walked down the other side of Hurricane Pass, that I would leave my burdens at the top and never pick them up again. I don't need them and they are literally weighing me down and holding me back. I decided to leave the useless burden of negativity about myself and about my body on top of that mountain. I left the burden of self doubt up there too. The biggest burden I left up there was feelingsof inadequacy and caring so much what other people think. I decided that anyone who judges me or makes assumptions about me can kiss my ass. Yup. They can. I said it exactly how I meant it.
So there I am. Walking down the other side of the mountain, about 1,000000000 times lighter.
I feel empowered. I feel like a new woman. Those 4 days were some of the most challenging yet rewarding days of my life. I felt a re-connection to my husband and with myself. I can confidently say that I am ready to continue rediscovering myself and what makes me happy.
I no longer feel the need to keep trying to impress other people or convince them that I'm someone I'm not. I'm free!!!
I still have a long ways to go with my health but emotionally I feel like a new person.
I came home 6 pounds heavier which probably seems impossible, but then again my body tends to do things that are impossible. I don't blame myself for this weight gain because I did nothing wrong. I lose my appetite on backpacking trips and have to choke down most of my meals anyway so I have no guilt about over-eating or eating the wrong kinds of foods.
It's not my fault I gained 6 pounds and I'm not a bad person. I carried a 40 pound pack for 10 hours a day and that's saying something for someone of my size! I'm strong and determined and incredible for that accomplishment.
Although it's a huge accomplishment I will be kinder to my body in the future. This trip was really hard on me and I've learned that at this time in my life, 35 mile backpacking trips are not productive for my body. I say farewell to my past life as a little mountain goat and hope that the future holds other adventures for me. I hope to get back into those mountains again in the future, but if not, that's ok.
I am moving forward and never looking back.
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