Trying to accept a "new self" is really hard. Just when I think I'm moving forward and trying to accept myself without judgement and without disgust and without disappointment, I slip into days of longing for my old self.
I have seriously been coveting my old body these past few days. I never wake up and say to myself, "Self, I am completely content and happy being overweight." But, I do wake up and try to do the best I can with the challenges I face. Lately though, I just want so desperately to have what I used to have.
I just want a body that doesn't feel so heavy. I want a body that moves easily. I want a body that doesn't feel like I've put on a layer of blubber.
I know I can't have it all but I just keep hoping that in all my work and in all my research and in all my experiments I find something that will help me take the unwanted weight off.
I was going through old pictures of myself and wanted so badly to just jump back in the skin of my old self.
Sometimes I just get so discouraged and so frustrated because I feel like I have to work my butt off to maintain being overweight and not running towards "morbidly obese." I was starting to lose some weight about 6 weeks ago and I was feeling so happy and motivated and then it just all stopped and started bouncing up and down and up and down. It's easy to stay motivated when you see results but when the results just stop I start saying "What's the point?" And on some days after I say "What's the point," I just eat like an addict.
I actually had a really really really terrible day a few weeks ago. It was the lowest point I've had in a very long time, in fact I would say years. Something triggered something in me and I had a really bad binge. I was so sick and cried for days about it. It was before my race and so I just tried to pick myself up and keep running and not let that one day define me.
Ever since that day I've had little moments of weakness where I allow my anxiety to consume me and I feel powerless and helpless and I feel like I'm driven to overeat. I wouldn't say that this happens daily, but I really hate trying to recover from a binge because I feel like I'm at rock bottom and that I've lost all my light.
I know people who have addictions to drugs talk about all these feelings and I know it's with food so it's not entirely the same but I really do believe that I am a recovering addict who still has relapses. The thing of it is, I know that the food has nothing to do with hunger or self control or discipline. The food is a drug to cover up underlying emotions. The thing I have learned over the years is that when I have a binge it really has nothing to do with self control over food itself, but it is just a manifestation of feeling incapable of solving my problems or facing my fears or being honest with my emotions.
After a long talk with my dad and Dan about my last binge I am considering attending an addiction recovery program that is offered through my church.
I am terrified. I am absolutely terrified. I want so badly to be able to heal and recover on my own. I know I will fight this battle my whole life but I'm not surrendering and I'm not letting my addiction win. I know the answers are out there somewhere and I pray I will find them.
A daily journey and journal for 1 year documenting my baby steps, my leaps, my backtracking, my progress and the struggle to reclaim my health.
I don't blame you for being scared! My husband is an addictions counselor and it is amazing what we latch onto - it's not just drugs and alcohol and tobacco. I think you're really brave and really ahead of the curve to recognize this and for even contemplating an addictions group. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteHey Steph, You are still amazing! I always get on here and leave feeling motivated and ready for to face my demons! Because of your words and courage. I also wanted to mention that we all have that natural man desire to do it alone, but we often forget that we have been given the best gift of all, a Savior that suffered all for us. We have to keep him involved;) I also learned something from my dad quite a few years ago when I was struggling in my marriage. It was that I need to learn to surrender my thoughts, desires, anger, resentment, irritations to Christ in the moment. I remember a time where I felt I would not pull out of (I was super angry and felt like exploding) and I stopped and said a prayer surrendering it right then and I felt like someone physically took a bag of bricks of my shoulders. I do this when I feel like eating stupid things too. I honestly talk out loud wherever I am and tell myself I am ok and that I don't need it, I will live without it and move on! When I forget to self talk or surrender it I always give in to the emotions or food! Sorry, I had to share that with you though:)
ReplyDeleteI also think you are amazing to try the group. I think we could all benefit from it actually. I think we are all just afraid of what people might think of us if they knew we went. I wish I cared a little less what people think of me and take care of me bc I love me and I am worth it. As are you!
k I am off my soap box now!
You will figure out what works best and you will conquer!