I'm still here!

Oh where oh where has September gone? With trying to keep updated on our personal blog and my baby food blog,  I figured there was such a thing as overkill with blog posts. Is it so tacky that I have 3 blogs???

So what if it is.

September is one tough month for me. I am still going to counseling and today was a session full of tears and hard things to talk about. I'm so glad that I recognize how much I need counseling and constant check-ins with my true feelings.

September makes me miss my sweet Hollie. I never mean to minimize or ignore the amazing friends I still have in my life. I am richly blessed with friends- great friends, amazing friends, BEST friends. Each friend is unique and special and Hollie still has a special place in my heart no matter how many years go by.

This year the anniversary of her passing came and went quickly but she was on my mind for days. There were some times this month that I just wished I could pick up the phone and call her.

September is also the year mark from my miscarriage and also makes the reality of our apparent "fertility issues" more real. So many questions. So many things that don't make sense. So much sadness.

I did reconnect with my friends from college this month and that really helped me get through this very sad month. I got to see not one, not two, not three, not four, but FIVE dear friends from college! Oh how my heart was mended by seeing these amazing friends. I can't believe how easy it is to just pick up where you left off with old friends. I honestly feel refreshed and more connected with myself after visiting these dear friends.

So on to the food...

I disclosed to my counselor that something snapped this month and I returned to some binge eating a few times. There were a few times that I let processed desserts into my house and I went a little crazy. I had a few moments where I caught myself being completely and utterly non-compliant to my protocol.

There is a difference when I eat off my plan, or just overeat a little, from the moments when another part of me (we'll call her the evil twin) comes out and takes over and forces me to do things like eat thrown away food out of the garbage can.

I remember hearing someone at an OA meeting confess to doing this and I thought it was the most insane thing ever. Well, apparently it happens to very special food addicts and I must be special.

Sometimes I cope with things in ways that are so humiliating and embarrassing that I would die right then and there if anyone ever saw me.

Luckily the cookie I ate out of the garbage can (after I told my husband to throw the extras away before I could eat them) was the only thing I ate in that moment.

I had another moment when I just wanted a shovel to eat leftover cake that somehow also ended up at our house. I caught myself before it got too bad and immediately put it down the garbage disposal because apparently the garbage can isn't a safe place?

Anyway, I did a lot of overeating this month and while I was on vacation and it was honestly glorious. I decided that instead of beating myself up and restricting myself for days or punishing myself with starvation, I would just get right back to my protocol.

I was expecting to have a huge gain. I have actually been doing enough of a balancing act to prevent weight gain this month. My body is finally doing things it hasn't done for years! I got on the scale after 2 days of being back on my protocol and I was exactly the same weight as when I went on vacation. I have maintained an 8 pound weight loss for all of September! This is a huge indicator that I've finally found some answers and healing.

My counselor told me that I really do have a very abnormal relationship with food and that he would absolutely without a doubt classify me as a food addict. I believe this "addict" predisposition started with my ancestors and it is a really hard thing to overcome.

He reminded me that I'm not dealing with something that simply requires "strategies" for eating less, or "strategies" that you find at support groups like weight watchers (I do love weight watchers BTW) He acknowledged the addiction and how difficult it is to fight. Period.

He suggested I read a book to understand that people with addictions often live with another person inside. When that other person comes out, it's as though someone else has completely taken over. If I do not acknowledge this other person inside daily and focus on my recovery daily, then I will continue to have binges.

I want to remain abstinent from my disordered eating. I've talked about attending an addiction recovery support group for quite awhile now and he suggested I turn that into a reality so I can learn more about addictions and steps to recovery.

I realized this month that my food issues aren't really about self control or the lack thereof. I actually have an addiction that still manifests itself in certain situations. I think over the years I have interpreted my addiction as a self control and discipline issue rather than something as strong and powerful as an addiction.

So I guess it's time to recognize that most of the time I have plenty of self control and most of the time I have a lot of discipline. It's the addiction that I have to acknowledge more frequently.

I'm so grateful that my body is healing and I want to honor and respect my body but filling it with nutritious foods that make me feel good inside. I am very motivated to continue working to lose more weight this next month. In order to do this and not be sabotaged by my own addiction, I think it is time to start attending a recovery support group.

I can rationalize not going because "it doesn't happen very often..." and the list goes on, but it' really time. My goal is to find a meeting this week and then I will decide when I am brave enough to attend.

Thank you for believing in me and not judging me!