The Wedding. The Cake. The Tears.

My little sister got married yesterday and although I was a bit grumpy about her getting married "so young" I was a blubbering fool yesterday and thought she looked like the most beautiful little porcelain doll from 1902. I had been waiting for this day for a long time for a couple reasons. Obviously the first and most important was to celebrate my baby sister getting married and seeing friends and family, but the other was because I decided April 9th would be my one day to splurge on a few meals.

I splurged a lot less than I expected. I can honestly say that I have made a few permanent changes in my eating patterns. I am always nervous about over eating at parties and celebrations but I was more concerned with the people than all the food I could eat. I celebrated the event and enjoyed all the aspects of the wedding including the food, but the main event wasn't the food!

It was awesome to feel sick after eating sweets. Awesome because usually sweets are like a drug that I end up eating way too much of and this time I just ate what I wanted and didn't want to ruin the day by feeling stuffed. Thank you medifast for shrinking the size of my stomach during the last 3 months!

I had some very special conversations with some very special people this weekend. I'm blogging about one of those today and will try to figure out how to blog about the theme of the others later.

Dan and I were in line to get a crepe smeared with nutella when I looked up and saw Hollie's mom and dad. I haven't been as good about going to visit her parents lately. Every trip to IF feels so rushed and hurried and like I barely see my family for long enough. I have felt bad about this but looking up to see her parents was such a gift.

I hugged Carolyn and just cried. I cried and told her how much I've been missing Hollie and how each milestone in my life is always associated with a little bit of sadness because Hollie isn't there to share it with me. I could see Hollie in her beautiful mother's face and and it was so special to see her there. I told her how there are so many moments I just want to pick up the phone and call her, or I'll have dreams about Hollie still that are very vivid and in those dreams Hollie is always near by and I can hug her but we never speak with each other. I am so excited to bring beautiful bunches of flowers from the wedding to her grave today and let my heart speak to hers.

I just love her parents and seeing them was so wonderful. My heart just breaks for those who have lost a child. My dear aunt was with us for the wedding and knowing that she just lost a son a little over a year ago is so painful. Each family gathering is filled with different amounts of grief and sadness because we miss our Derek so much. He was a brother, cousin, nephew, friend, grandson and son to the most beautiful, amazing, talented, and funny women I know.

As much as I enjoy celebrating the happy things in life, I am always full of thoughts of how fragile and delicate life is. Sometimes things just seem so trivial when you are grieving. Losing a loved one leaves a hole in your heart that will never go away. Learning to move forward in life gets easier but the hole never leaves. I'll never stop missing Hollie or Derek. Our families will never stop missing these sweet people who touched us so deeply. We will never celebrate a wedding without feeling like someone is missing, or being flooded with memories of the wedding of our loved ones who passed at such a young age.

I have learned to savor the precious things in life like family and memories. Perhaps I am too sentimental but I want to have pictures and memories to hold on to because you just never know when things will change. I have also learned that no one is safe from tragedies. Tragedies will happen in life and they are horrible and sad and overwhelming to deal with. Tragedies happen for reasons that cannot be explained by our limited perspective and knowledge.

Sometimes I just wish life was a giant wedding reception where all your cousins, siblings, friends, grandparents, old young womens leaders, and neighborhood friends are all in one place. There's a lot of cake, plenty of room to sit and talk, and no rush to go anywhere. Did I mention a lot of cake? That's what I hope heaven is like- especially with the cake part. One huge reception with love, laughter, and conversations that could go on forever. Oh yeah, and did I mention a lot of cake?