I am over it!!!!

If today would have happened 8 years ago I would probably still be locked in my room under the covers with my shades drawn. Luckily today happened today and my husband was by my side and there to hold me as I sobbed uncontrollably in the car.

What a lead in eh? Today was the breaking point of all breaking points. I was at the gym, working on my fitness, and trying to push myself with strength training. Dan was helping me figure out how to do a squat with one of those bars that is attached to a puly system. I did a couple squats and this lady came over and asked if she could help me. I have seen her at the gym training people and knew she must be a personal trainer. She was totally cool and just told me I was using the machine way wrong and even though I wasn't paying her she didn't want to see me throw my back out so I graciously accepted her help and she showed me how to use the machine. This is where things get ugly.

After she demonstrated the correct way to use the machine, she said in the most polite way possible, "Squats are a very advanced move and for a beginner a squat is really really advanced especially with a weight and since you're probably wanting to lose weight right now you don't want to built muscle. It would be better for you to just tone your muscles without a weight and do a little bit of strength training and try some cardio... blah blah blah...."

Someone has to say it so I'm saying it now. "What the hell!? Sorry. that's how I feel.

For a BEGINNER? I am not angry at this lady. She was doing this out of the kindness of her heart. She was really trying to help me because she assumed I had never worked out and was just down in the weight room messing with some equipment trying to build muscle.

The fact that I have exercised regularly for the past 10 years makes this situation even more devastating. I have nothing to show for it right now. I am at the gym and people who see me at the gym assume by my body that I have never exercised. I don't hate on these people I am just so devastated that right now I actually look like I've never exercised and I don't know how to eat properly. I hate looking like a fat person who has given up on life. It's one thing if you have given up on yourself and let yourself go, then it was a CHOICE, yes a CHOICE to gain weight and look like you've given up but when it isn't your choice to weigh as much as I do and look the way I look then a simple assumption by a personal trainer cuts too deep. I was so hurt and so mortified and could hardly keep my composure. I explained to her that I do a regular routine of cardio including spinning, zumba, jogging, swimming, and step aerobics and that since being diagnosed with a thyroid disorder I have continued gaining weight despite my best efforts at the gym which is why I did in fact want to build muscle right now- every little thing I can do to help my metabolism is my goal. She told me not to worry about my weight right now because once I get my medication regulated it will all fall off but to stick with the cardio and strength training but just go lighter on the weights. Bless her heart and I actually mean that.

Well I called my endocrinologist today and by some miracle she had an afternoon cancelation so I took the appointment. I had Dan's mom come with me since she knows all the people there since her husband, my awesome father in law used to be one of the doctors at this clinic. My doctor had nothing to say to me except I don't know what to tell you and I'm going to get the head doctor. The head doctor has been specializing in obesity and diabetes and metabolic diseases for years and told me some things I didn't want to hear that go completely against everything I have been working on for the past 3 months.

1. She told me my body is being stubborn and I need to do something DRASTIC to get it moving.

2. I am eating too much even though a "regular" person would be losing weight with my diet and exercise

3. I need to lay off the carbs

4. I should consider a pre-packaged meal plan to take the guess work out of what I'm eating so I know for CERTAIN how much I am eating

5. If I don't want meals delivered to my house I should go to costco and buy their meal replacements and drink shakes for the next 14 days  until I start messing with my body and my weight.

6. If I don't want to do that then I have to do a diet like south beach or something else low carb to get things going and then never eat more than 1200 calories.

I could puke right now. This is all so ridiculous but as ridiculous as it is I have to do it. I have no choice. I have exhausted all resources. I have tried everything that a dietician would tell me to do and gained 16 pounds. My bloodwork doesn't show that my thyroid is low anymore so medically there is no reason for me to be holding on to weight. For some reason I am designed to survive a famine and to get ANY weight off I have to get crazy. REAL crazy. I am so not thrilled about this but if that's what it takes then fine. I'll do it. I did something I haven't done for a long time. I ate my feelings tonight. I mean yeah, I ate 3 doughnuts last week but that was stupid eating, just because they were there, not really eating to cover up pain and anger. Tonight I munched on my molasses cookies until they were almost gone, that's probably 5 or 6 cookies. I have a minor stomach ache now and don't really care. I know that tomorrow life as I know it will suck. I'm that lady who orders a salad with lemon wedges at a restaurant. I am the person who drinks her meals. I will become that lady who is constantly starving. I am that lady who has to tell everyone who's freaked out about my low caloric intake and worried that I am not eating balanced and worried I am not even eating enough to get in a recommended daily amount of vitamins to be quiet and don't mess with me for 6 months and they have no clue. That is something I have learned lately- there are lots of people who want to give you advice but what they don't realize is that most of the time I don't want someone else's advice I just want someone to listen to me and my frustrations. I can't even fix this- believe me, I've tried and yes I've probably tried whatever someone is suggesting to me. I sound really grumpy and it's because I am. I am grumpy about this whole situation. If I was really supposed to eat 1200 calories a day I should stuck with that like the advice of my other doctor. I just hate that someone at my weight has to eat 1200 calories and exercise an hour a day to maintain my weight and if I want to lose I have to exercise 2 hours a day. That is so ridiculous. That is not sustainable. What am I going to do???????????????????????????????????????? I don't know if I can do this. I don't know if I will ever succeed. I need a miracle. I have so many mixed emotions right now. I don't believe in things that come out of packages as being MORE healthy than something that I picked from a garden or bought at a farmer's market but when the expert says go for packaged food who am I to tell her I can't. After all this homework I've done- all the soul searching- all the "reject the diets listen to my body" stuff I have to give that all up and follow some stupid plan. I am so over this.