The dirty, ugly truth.

How do I put this lightly? I'm going to jump off a cliff. There really is no hope for me. I'm obese. 6 months of working out 5-7 times a week, being on a healthy diet 90% of the time, haven't dropped a single pound. I give up. Just when I think I've hit the jackpot of something new to try that will help me, the results are short- lived and I end up making zero progress for weeks and weeks and weeks.

I'm not sure many people really know what this feels like. I'm not sure there are many people who have tried as hard as me. I printed off my gym log from the gym on Tuesday and it was 4 pages long of teeny tiny entries, and several entries of two log-ins in one day. I review my calorie intake and see months of 1200 calories in my calorie log.

I am not spending another penny on a supplement, natural remedy, medication, doctors visit, or asking one more person what they think is wrong with me because all they will do is get my hopes up that they have an answer only to disappoint me months later.

The occasional splurge at a party, a celebration, a date, rough day, etc. happens, but I honestly don't think I could try any harder than I've been trying. There really is nothing left for me to try. If I get the lapband, I'm not sure it will even make a difference because calorie restricting doesn't seem to make a dent!

My hormones are jacked again and my cycles are WAY off and I thought I was finally getting back to normal. I'm bleeding at strange times during the month, not having a period, (and not, I'm not pregnant) and I feel like an emotional roller coaster.

I don't want to go to church anymore. I don't want to do anything anymore. I don't want to go and be reminded that the Lord is there for people in their darkest times and wonder when He will be there for me. I don't want to be the one crying through church every Sunday. I don't want to be the one running home after church before anyone can see me crying. My faith is wearing thin. I used to turn to my faith during my darkest times and lately there's no feeling of hope, comfort, peace, or reassurance that things will ever get better for me.

I don't know what to do.

I can't fake it anymore. I can't fake being ok, happy, positive, and motivated. I feel so lost. I've never felt so lost in all of my life in my personal life. I'm sick of my job, I have no children, I have a masters degree that is worth nothing, I barely make enough money to pay our bills, pay for our necessities, and get us from point A to point B. I'm faced with a lot challenges I was never prepared to face and although the love of family and close friends is about the only keeping me going, I just feel like there is no one who gets it. I have no one in my family who has ever walked down this path or a path even close to what I'm going through. The pressure I feel everyday as the breadwinner is overwhelming, especially when I feel so incredibly overqualified for my job. I don't have the option to quit, I don't have opportunities to advance, and I don't have other options for employment. I have no dreams or aspirations anymore. I just feel like I'm going to snap any day now and it's a scary feeling.

I just wish I could feel better. I wish I could get out of bed without feeling so exhausted. I wish I could get through the day without feeling so tired. I wish it didn't take 60 minutes of pushing myself to the limits to feel alert enough to function. I wish I wasn't fat. I wish I could do the things I want to do- like run, bike, hike, and not feel like I'm about to have a heart attack. I wish I could do things without feeling inhibited by my obesity. I wish I could spend a day hiking to the top of a mountain and breath in the experience. I wish that my feelings of self-worth lasted longer than the 10 minutes of cool down at the end of my workout when I'm feeling like I did something awesome.

I wish I had something to look forward to in life.

{insert mega sob session to the husband, some time in the glorious garden, and some time to just be real about all these emotions}

Ok. So that felt good to get out. 60 minutes later I'm feeling a little less dramatic, but what I said is truly how I feel a lot of the time. I know it's scary to read and trust me, it's just as scary to feel.

I am going to a seminar about bariatric surgery tomorrow and I'm strongly considering it for myself. I've been researching different surgeries for quite awhile and I'm going to talk to my new ob/gyn about her opinion at my appointment in 2 weeks. I don't know if this is something I'm going to go through with, but it's at least an option I am strongly considering.

If I didn't have my Daniel, I think I'd really be in the psychiatric ward at the hospital. I just feel like this burden and this trial is too hard, it's too big, it's too heavy, it's too complicated and it's not something I can handle for much longer. If you feel in your heart to add prayers in my behalf, I know I could use them.  If you know me at all, you know I'm not a quitter, but I'm hanging on by a very thin thread and am holding on to a very small flame of hope that one day I can be well again.