Can you build me a tree house please?

I have developed some crappy sleeping habits lately- and this post is evidence of that. It is 11:48 and I am still wide awake. I'm a night owl. I hate getting up early. I don't know how I drag my butt out of bed and to the gym so early!

Oh wait...I only did that ONCE last week...

I'm out of my groove. I'm out of a routine. For awhile there I felt like I was barely getting through my days because I was so overwhelmed with sadness and anxiety. I have made some progress, but I know things aren't going to be getting much better any time soon.

I had wonderful Dr.'s appointment today with a highly recommended OB/GYN. She listened to me and my sob story while I was sobbing and concluded that I am chronically stressed!

DUH.

She said my stress is making me sick, it's affecting my hormones, it's affecting my ability to lose weight. She looked at me point blank and told me that exercise is wonderful for health but it does not contribute much to weight loss and I would have to be exercising for hours and hours a day for the exercise to help me lose weight.

Well if that isn't the biggest misconception I'm sure we all have been thinking...

So all those trips to the gym aren't helping me lose weight? All that time spent punishing myself and pushing myself weren't helping me lose weight? WHAT? I felt like discovering I was in the Matrix or something. But pinterest said I would lose weight in 10 minutes a day with 10 exercises for a great butt! LIARS!

She said her patients have the best luck following weight watchers. I told her I gained weight the last 3 times I tried weight watchers and I was following the program very closely. She then referred me to a bariatric doctor who specializes in NON-surgical medical weight loss. I am calling to get more info tomorrow. I told her I am terrified that I will wake up and be 500 pounds and it seems that my body will simply not stop gaining weight no matter what I do and now I'm terrified I'm going to actually die of obesity related diseases.

It's such a terrifying place for me to be. There is so much fear. I weighed in at the heaviest I've ever been in my life and also had high blood pressure for the first time in my life. I've NEVER had high blood pressure. So far I've always remained relatively resistant to obesity related conditions. She suspected the high blood pressure was anxiety but I about died when my weight and blood pressure were so high.

What to do. She suggested I meditate everyday. Cut out everything that isn't necessary. Do yoga everyday. Walk every day. Do things everyday that invite peace and positive self talk. She told me my chronic stress is making me sick and until that is under control I will not get better. She recommended I get accupuncture every week too.

I love accupuncture! I can't wait to have that again...if we can find a way to pay for it.

She didn't give me a diet, an eating plan, or anything and said she wants me to work with the bariatric doctor on that, but her main focus is getting my stress under control and working on having a more positive outlook on life and myself.

She told me when I get pregnant to call her and she's not worried at all about me being able to get pregnant but right now I'm far too stressed to be able to conceive anyway. She didn't tell me I'm too fat to get pregnant, just that I'm too stressed.

I think I need to work on small changes and work on one thing at a time. I always dive head first into whatever it is I'm working on and that might be hurting more than helping me right now.

My goal for now is to meditate, say affirmations, and do 15 minutes of grounding everyday. I asked Dan if he would build me a tree house so the neighbors don't see me out there connecting to the earth and he said he'd see what he can do LOL.

No crazy diets for right now. No crazy exercise regimens for now. I also stopped taking my supplements because she said the high doses of fat soluble vitamins I'm taking are probably taxing my organs to get rid of the excess vitamins.

I'd like to keep updates on my progress because it helps me be accountable. Plus, I have amazing friends who always cheer me on, leave a nice comment, send me an email, and tell me it will all be OK. I had several of you send me a link to the amazing article by C. Jane who wrote about her relationship with her body in Deseret News. It was so inspiring to me!!! To have that kind of positive love for one's body is something I hope to achieve. Thanks for cheering me on and reminding me that I can't lose my spark and zest for life.