Sometimes, there's no "nice" way to say things.

I have some exciting things to share today. My little sister and I were talking about how eating out is something that is really hard to avoid and it's always a bajillion calories.

We set a goal for the month of November to only eat out once in the whole month. I think I ate out about 15 times in the month of October. Dan referred to it as celebrating all month long just like my grandpa Bob does. (thanks Dan :) )

We also committed to 3 days of exercise per week. I will shoot for 4-5 but since she is pregnant, her goal is a little lighter.

Her husband is joining in on the fun as well. We decided rewards don't work because we reward ourselves no matter what whenever we want a reward anyway, so we came up with consequences if we break our challenge.

Our consequences are as follows:

Candace will have to play 1 hour of Black Ops per day for an entire month, I will have to play some form of Nintendo 1 hour per day for a month, and her husband will give up TV for a month.

Now onto some things that you might find disturbing. Please don't judge.

My behavior has completely halted my weight loss the past couple of months. I spent a pretty grueling hour at my counselor's office this morning and I told him I only wanted to focus on why I sabotage my weight loss efforts.

I told him that my doctor told me all I had to do was lose about 12-15 pounds and she would start me on clomid and all I could do after was think about stuffing my face with Halloween candy.

Without disclosing too many of the details, I finally identified why I am afraid of being thin. We discussed past relationships and how drastically my dating life changed once I was thin.

You would think that all the attention I started receiving from men was what I had always wanted. In many ways, it was. I definitely dated WAY more when I was thin. I also had no boundaries with anyone, including boys who were trying to take advantage of me. I never learned how to set proper boundaries with people and I also wasn't very good at pacing relationships.

I am just barely now learning how to say no. Sadly, I didn't know how to date in college. I really got a late start at dating and learning how to set boundaries.

I had some heartbreaks and disappointments in college. I had a few heartbreaks that I couldn't shake. I didn't know how to move on. I didn't know how to let go. I just didn't have the maturity to act like an adult. I held on to some of these experiences and disappointments for years. The more I dated, the more pain I eventually experienced.

By the time I moved to Utah, I had started to gain back a little bit of the weight I had worked so hard to lose. I really wanted to go back to my thinnest weight because I figured I would get more attention.

I did catch the attention of one boy that I met at church. I instantly felt a little uneasy around him but I didn't know how to say no to any of his advances. He was very persistent. He called me several times and I finally went out with him once.

Two weeks later I was dealing with the loss of Hollie. I came home after her funeral and on my first day home alone, he invited himself over and I didn't resist. I had no strength, no energy to fight him, and no idea how to tell him to leave me alone. I eventually laid there motionless as he kissed me and humped my leg.  I just tried to block out what was going on.

This same boy persisted despite my rejections. I was going through one of the most difficult times in my life and for some reason the security of fighting off someone that I didn't like gave me a small sense of satisfaction. I didn't like anything about him and I certainly felt no attraction to him, but I allowed him to come hang out a few times because I liked rejecting him.

This same boy later came to me and apologized for being so forward and for persisting in pursuing a physical relationship. He also came to apologize for something that I didn't know about.

He confessed that sometimes he would stay in my room even I told him he needed to go home because I was going to bed.  I knew that sometimes he would sit on the edge of my bed and talk to me while I was falling asleep. What I didn't know is that he would stay in my room and masturbate while watching me sleep.

I know that is graffic and perhaps I'll regret sharing that one day. He did a few other things that are too graffic to write about.

This boy finally moved away and left me alone, but not after leaving me scared, feeling violated, and terrified.

As I shared the details of these experiences, my counselor said it's a no brainer why I'm afraid to lose weight. I'm sure if you're reading this, then you can probably put the pieces together.

Soon after my experiences with the giant pervert, I gained 35 pounds.

I hated gaining the weight, but it just seemed easier to gain it than to fight it. I started to lose the weight and started dating a little more...and of course attracted a boy that wanted to do nothing more than escape to a park or the back of his truck to make out.

I ended communication with that boy and soon found myself the heaviest I had been since moving to college.

I couldn't lose the weight no matter how hard I tried. It seemed like if I started to lose the weight, it came right back on again.

I had a few other dating failures the year before I met Dan. My inability to set boundaries and stay in control with the pace of a relationship was my biggest downfall and thus lead to situations where I feel I was an easy target for some predators.

With the help of p90x and a lot of self control I trimmed up a little bit right before I met my amazing husband.

I know that meeting Dan has been the greatest miracle of my life. The Lord was protecting me from myself and my own inability to stay away from no good creeps.

He put Dan in my path and put him in my path in a way that was perfect for me. We wrote pages and pages of letters to each other and had such a strong foundation of trust and admiration for each other before we ever met in person. There isn't anything I can't tell Dan. There isn't anything I don't trust him with. I love him with all my heart and know he feels the same for me.

Why then, if I am in the happiest, safest relationship of my life have I struggled so hard to lose weight?

I absolutely know that my health problems have played the biggest role in my weight problems. I also know now that my fear has played another part.

I guess I finally understand why it's scary for me to be thin. I was a victim of many people and even of my own immaturity. I don't know how to feel safe when I'm thin.

There will be a second installment of this post at another time, but I believe that I'm now starting to make some of the most profound and important connections about my disease, my health, and my weight issues.

I will be working hard to believe in myself, my ability to set boundaries with people, my ability to respect myself and not be a habitual people pleaser, and to trust that when I become thinner, I will still be safe, happy, and protected.

My counselor described my eating disorder as the lid that is sitting on a huge pot of worms. It's complicated. There are a lot of things I need to work through. This is going to take a lot of work, but I know this is part of my recovery and I can't ignore it.

Here I go.