Thank you and goodnight.

Ever feel like you've graduated or moved on from something but you don't quite know how to actually MOVE ON? I've been feeling that way about my blog(s) for awhile now...but maybe that's just because I've had some enlightening moments lately.

For so long I've felt so much insecurity about my looks and my body and I really think I've just had enough. I had a lot of wise friends give me little snippets of much needed advice about turning 30. The thing I drew most from these comments and sweet messages is that we're all way too hard on ourselves and way too insecure.

I realized that the thing I fear more than anything is being insecure. I remember CRAVING confidence. Sure, I've always had confidence, but it really took me a long time to be comfortable with myself no matter what.

I have had phases of confidence here and there, but the past few years I watched my spark just disappear. I have been so full of insecurity and self consciousness that I've really missed out on just enjoying being ME.

I feel like this blog started out as a place for me to record my journey, express some of my deepest thoughts, laugh at myself, celebrate my progress, and sort of shout to the world that being overweight is a really really really complicated issue for some people and some of us just need to be cut some slack.

But now I don't know what to write about...the same thing over and over and over again?

I had a liberating moment last week. I was at a local Italian restaurant in Provo. I ordered my salmon dinner and noticed as a husband and wife entered with their mid-20's daughter. The only reason I really noticed them was because the mother and daughter were basically dressed alike (very hip) and because THEY were staring at ME. I realized that I really don't care how hip or unhip other people look, it's not about that at all. Be hip! Be cool! Be creative! I like looking "hip" when I can pull it off.

You know what bothers me? It's when women are flat out biz-natches to other women. I'm sorry for the strong language but I don't know what else to call it. These two women stared at me while I was waiting for my food, they stared at me when my food was delivered, and stared at me while I was eating it. I'm really not that fun to look at, really! I know it was because I am significantly larger than my husband and the only overweight person at our little table.

I saw them watch me walk to the dessert table, admire all the beautiful cakes and pastries, and then select the piece of cake that I would eat to celebrate my birthday.

They intensely watched me as the cake was placed in front of me. In fact, they stopped eating just to watch me. For a second I felt a burning sense of insecurity and then I got over it and took my spoon to my cake and dug in.

I saw them watching me eat the cake, bite by bite. I probably should have locked eyes with one of them just to let them know that I was just aware of them staring at me as they were of watching the overweight lady eat her birthday cake.

These are the things that I deal with now that I'm overweight and I finally realized that these people will never change. I can either learn to have confidence in these moments or let them destroy and belittle me. I don't want my birthday to be tainted by memory of being stared at by 2 nasty women.

Sadly, I have many memories of being stared at and watched. It's hard to ignore when someone is staring at you and looking you up and down.

I feel that I've learned a lot over the years and I still have a long ways to go, but ultimately I really am ready to leave the insecurities I was drowning in in the PAST. No more. No more putting myself down. No more avoiding having my picture taken. No more wondering what all my friends thing of my new, fuller figure. No more hiding out. No more avoiding social situations.

I feel blessed to have such an amazing support system of friends, and a family that loves me unconditionally. I feel blessed to have a husband who reminds me several times a day that he loves ALL of me, despite my sometimes ridiculous ploys to make him NOT like something about me just because I'm insecure about it.

I have to change my attitude and be myself again. I've already been working on this and you know what? Life is way more fun already. It's time for me to be authentic and genuine all the time. It's time to stop making apologies for not being 'perfect", because seriously, NO ONE IS PERFECT and that's ok.

I may spend the next 20 years fighting the same dang fight to maintain my morbid obesity. I may eventually get to a healthy weight. I may gain another 50 pounds, but you know, I'm the same person and I have to love the person who hides behind the body. I am not my body and there is nothing wrong with how I look.

I'm not sure the direction this or any of my blogs will take next. I'll return if I have something I'd like to say but until then, I think I need a little break.

Thank you all for your endless support and encouragement. I feel like I've reconnected with old friends, made new ones, and deepened my bond with many. I love you all and I can't thank you enough for walking with me on this journey.