Secret crazy things I do

I have so many loving people in my life who always seem to say just the right thing. Thank you all for your comments. It's been so nice to share this journey with friends. Every comment means a lot to me. I share what's on my mind as an outlet but the feedback is always very meaningful.

So now you ALL have to comment on every post ok? JK.

As I continue to pull myself out of my dark little corner, I have to say that I do find joy in life. Dan was starting to get worried because he says, "I'm married to you and even I don't see you as someone who is depressed and sad until you have a breakdown and let it all out."

If I have my own husband fooled then that means I probably REALLY surprise other people with my bouts of anger and frustration when I have my moments of word vomit.

Perhaps there is a healthier way to deal with something you are frustrated about 30% of your existence?

My goal is to just continue what I'm doing: Exercising 6 days a week, eating as clean as possible, and avoiding binge eating when I'm stressed.

I have to get it off my chest that another factor getting me down is my inability to get pregnant. Have you ever tried to get pregnant? Have you ever been successful? Have you ever tried for a really long time and not been successful? It pretty much blows.

 So far my journey has been like this:

2 years ago we decided we wanted to try to start a family...then found out I have Hashimoto's.

Doctor told me to lose 20 pounds, so I did by eating 800 calories a day and I was miserable.

I lost the weight and then a few months later we decided to throw caution to the wind and try to have a baby despite the challenges we knew we would be facing in the coming months.

We all know what happened about 12 weeks into that first pregnancy.

3 months after my miscarriage we start trying again without success. No worries yet, it has only been 4 months.

Decide to see the doctor for a checkup and that's when she finds my thyroid numbers WAY down and the wrong levels of estrogen and progesterone.

Pay a shiz load of money for a consultation with a fertility endocrinologist to figure things out. After 2 months of following her orders and taking the dumb suppositories of progesterone and another failed pregnancy test I've decided that buying stock in First Response is going to make us more money than my job ever will.

Does every girl do what I do or just the crazy ones...

Have you ever bought a pregnancy test? (ok, ok, a 3 pack just because you KNOW you're going to get too excited and use one WAY before you're supposed to)

This is me exposing all levels of cray cray. I buy the 3 pack every time. I take one within 24 hours of purchasing  the test even though I'm taking it way too early. It's like I already know it's not going to be positive but for some reason I simply can't contain myself and I rip open the box and proceed to follow the directions and then I'm totally bummed it's negative.

The next few days are days filled with frustration because of my inevitable failed pregnancy test. I tell myself, "Self, that was dumb. Even if you WERE pregnant it's too early to show up on a test."

Then I wait until the day my period is SUPPOSED to start because surely by then if I am pregnant it will show up. Normal people might wait till they actually miss their period, but oh no, not me. I gotta take that test before it explodes, as if it's like time sensitive or something.

Of course since I have not conceived the past 9 months we've tried I've failed all the round #2 tests as well. Lately the failing of test #2 is followed by tears.

Every once in awhile I'll take a #3 test if I'm late and then I just get mad about it. How rude is it of my cycle to be late when I would give anything to be pregnant!? Jerk.

Failed pregnancy tests, feeling like everyone and their dog is pregnant but you, watching other people who have had miscarriages in the same timeframe as you announce their due dates can be a stab to my heart.

I don't expect the world to just stop procreating or stop being excited about their pregnancies, I really don't. I am always happy for other people because I know that at some point I will get to experience the same joy. I also know I have friends who simply aren't able to have children and I always wonder how they must feel in the same world of billions of pregnancy announcements all the time. If it's rough for me, it's gotta be unbelievably difficult for them.

It's even more difficult when your husband starts joining you in the heartbreak and sadness. For a long time Dan was pretty low key about it all but lately it has taken a toll on him as well.

And so the journey continues- exercise more, eat less, pay shiz loads of money to these supposed fertility specialists, and pee into a lot of cups to track your ovulation and so forth.

No wonder we can't seem to save money! 

One day I will read this post and think I was so young and clueless. This will probably happen as I'm cleaning up a wall painted with poop. Until then, I'm genuinely enjoying every precious moment I have my sweet husband and our time we have together. He is amazing and he is such a light in my life. I'm a lucky girl and we really do have more than enough goodness in our lives.