A good doctor.

Life has been a whirlwind. I have so many mixed emotions about leaving my piano studio behind. I was offered my first choice job last Thursday and I accepted. I start on March 12 and I feel incredibly blessed for what this opportunity will bring to me and to our family.

I was hired to be an enrollment counselor at Western Governor's University. The position will become a work from home position as soon as I'm trained. That should take me about 3 months and then I won't even have to commute to work!!! I don't know how to contain my joy.

It comes with a comfortable salary,  awesome health insurance, paid vacation, and I guess all the other normal stuff that people get when they work for a company. I've never had a real job so all these perks seem extra awesome to me. Dan will also get 75% off tuition which means if he gets into his nursing program there it will be about $750 per semester. That is like FREE COLLEGE!!!

Moving on.

I went to my midwife today for an annual exam. I loved her when she was treating me for my miscarriage. She listened so intently to me and was very clear in her explanation of things to me. She is very open minded as well.

At my exam she just asked me what the past 5 months have been like for me. I told her how after my miscarriage I really started working hard to lose the mysterious 10 pounds that appeared within a couple weeks of my miscarriage. I started running, juicing, supplementing, eating well, and everything else I could thing of to get the weight off.

Then I told her that I just cannot seem to lose a pound. I said sometimes I'll lose 7 pounds and then within one week it's all back. It just gets so frustrating to work so hard and be so "good" and then never see consistent or lasting results.  I told her I feel hopeless lately and have given up dieting but I'm still exercising an hour 5 days a week.

She immediately validated my feelings and said there is definitely something going on and then she said she suspects PCOS and insulin resistance. I told her my endocrinologist told me I don't have that and that my test results came back negative but then she told me she wanted me to take a different kind of test for insulin resistance because I have a lot of symptoms of both conditions.

During the exam she pointed out interesting hair patterns and she noticed the little hump on my neck. I told her my husband and I have wondered if it's even possible for me to have Cushings disease and she said that she would definitely test for that as well. She noticed all sorts of little things like HAIR PATTERNS!!! I was on cloud 9.

She told me she is sure there is at least something else going on besides my thyroid because my thyroid has been stable for awhile. She's retesting my thyroid and when I get better insurance she's going to test the other things as well.

I am hopeful that she will help me. I've felt so hopeless lately. I've felt hopeless for over a year to be honest. I just can't accept my body the way it is. I'm getting better at accepting myself and loving myself more, but I just cannot accept being obese.

Call me shallow or vain, but it's not about that. For me losing the 75 pounds I've gained over the years equates to getting my life back. I want to feel comfortable and confident in my body. People who aren't overweight do not understand how uncomfortable it is to do simple things like sit in church all day. They don't know what it's like to actually FEEL the extra weight every day.

It's not about looking skinny, it's about freeing myself from the excess weight that literally weighs me down. It's so discouraging to do the simplest things like get dressed. I have to wear certain fits and cuts of clothing and most of what is stylish looks terrible on me. It's just a longer process for me to even get dressed in the morning than it was when I was thinner.

I just want to be free of this weight and I believe I am going to get there some day.