Things to rave about

Tonight I am going to make a quick post before I become sleeping beauty. I fell dead asleep on the couch last night and didn't get anything posted. Yesterday was very eventful- sleeping...sleeping...sleeping. Mmmm. I love Sunday napping.

Last night I had some feelings come up and I had a big moment of success. Dan and I were watching hoarders. It's one of our favorite shows. It seems like if a person loses someone like a parent or child, they hang on to the deceased person's belonging and refuse to give it away. On this episode a mother had lost an infant so SIDS and had kept all her clothes. When they were showing her processing all this I decided I needed to pause the show, get some ice cream and a chocolate cupcake and then continue watching. Suddenly I asked myself why I had done this. I wasn't hungry. I wasn't even really enjoying what I was eating. I handed my bowl of goodies to Dan and asked him to put them away because I was eating my feelings. I broke down and cried for a long time. I told him that I couldn't stop thinking about how I still hang on to Hollie's shoes. When she passed away her mom gave me some of her old things and they mean more to me than anything. I have a few pairs of her shoes that I just can't part with and during the TV show I think I those feelings came up and I didn't want to feel them. I still think about Hollie every day but my days are no longer clouded by sadness. It has been 3 years and here I am still trying to eat the pain away when it surfaces. I know that I started eating a lot more when I lost her and it's important for me to acknowledge these feelings, talk about them, and get them out instead of burying them. It felt much better to have a good cry about some things and throw my cupcake away.

I realized some other things too. I realized that I am so scared to really commit to my eating plan. I was 90-95% committed to a few programs over a 10 month period and didn't lose a pound. It was so devastating. I got so discouraged. Even though I know now why I wasn't losing weight, it was still demoralizing. I'm scared to commit to a program, give it 100% and then see the scale get stuck. It's easier to just eat a fairly healthy balanced diet and not lose weight than be 100% committed to a low calorie program and still not lose weight. I have beat myself up over not following a specific eating plan lately because I know how important it is for me to get back to a healthy weight but at the same time I just don't think I could handle it emotionally if I continue to stay the same weight while dieting. I don't know exactly how long it takes for my thyroid situation to get under control but I really hope my next visit with the endocrinologist will answer some of these questions.

Ok, so those were my feelings and I talked about them. YAY! I need to clarify that I don't think eating certain foods is bad or wrong- it's that I have a problem with eating as a way to ignore negative feelings and emotions and it's the using food as a drug that I am trying to overcome. I think it's perfectly acceptable to have some dessert in your diet! I just need to work on my own emotional eating patterns.

I had a fantastic swim tonight. I left my kickboard at home in the car but swam my guts out for 40 minutes and did about 1000 meters. This is still probably slow for some people but I didn't even have to take a break so that is big improvement for me. I am committing to keeping up with my exercise program this week. I need it for my health and mental well being. Soon I'll find a way to start posting some of my favorite recipes. After December 11th I will have so much more time to really make this blog what I want it to be. For now it is just a little place for me to vent!