How do you lose 100 pounds?

I am in the most wonderful place in life right now. I am 4 weeks postpartum today. I feel so blessed to have our beautiful son home. I've had the best time being home with him and loving him and taking care of him. My focus has shifted away from so many other things that brought me down in the past and I can't really put into words how happy I am to have a baby of my own.

I've had the baby blues like I'm sure most new moms do. My husband hasn't filed for divorce yet, so although he's had to deal with a few moments of "crazy", I think I'm starting to even out. I have a pretty short fuse right now, so although I say 'I'm in the best place in my life ever' right now, it doesn't mean that I haven't had some emotions to work through either and that I haven't got mad at my husband for not holding my straw correctly while he's helping me get a drink while I'm nursing...

For me, being in the best place ever is more about how I feel about myself, my body, and most of all, my food addiction. I know my emotions and sensitivity are getting better and will continue to get better as my hormones even out, and thanks to a patient husband, we're working through it. Aside from that, I feel like having a baby flipped a switch inside of me. A switch I've been waiting to be flipped for years.

Let me start by explaining a few things that impacted me the last month of my pregnancy.

My regular diabetes doctor was out for my final appointment and the woman filling in for her was retired, so she has been in the field for a long time. My regular doctor had the MOST sensitivity about my weight than any doctor I've ever seen. This new lady obviously didn't know my history and only had me and my paperwork to go off of.

She really offended me. It took a lot to not try to defend myself. She started by focusing on my couple of high blood sugars. I was constantly praised by all three doctors managing my pregnancy for the way I controlled my diabetes. They called me their star patient and gave me so much encouragement for my efforts. This new lady started by 20-questioning me about why I had a few high blood sugars. At that point, I was one week away from delivery and knew that every once in awhile I either ate more than I should about once a week, or had tried a new food that affected my blood sugar differently than I expected and ended up with a high number. I knew where those couple of high sugars came from and my other doctor just trusted me to not make it a pattern.

Long story short, she was just doing her job, but she lectured me about diet, exercise, and told me I was eating too many carbs. I told her I was only following the diet that had been ASSIGNED to me. She didn't believe me, but sure enough, my chart had it all there for her. She sat down and told me how dangerous it is for me to weigh as much as I do, how high of a risk for diabetes I am now, and most importantly how badly I need to get this weight off, and how important it is for me to eat healthy and exercise, even if it's just walking around the block to start. She gave me a list of diseases I am at risk for and just said I really need to lose weight.

All I wanted from her was either her SOLUTION to my problem- you know, as the expert, tell me how to achieve the goal she was giving me- OR to ask me what I have tried in the past to deal with my weight problem. If she had asked those questions, she would have known I am no stranger to healthy eating and a regular regimen of exercise, and that before getting pregnant, I was exercising every damn day and at 233 pounds, I backpacked the whole Teton Crest trail with a 50 pound pack! She would have also known that I exercised nearly every day of my pregnancy once I got through my first trimester!

That's all I wanted. I just wanted her to ask me "What have you tried?"

That's been my problem with some doctors- they go on and on and on about the risks and dangers of obesity and then they don't bother asking me what I've tried.

I experienced a little bit of the same treatment in the hospital. Being in a hospital was a little bit of torture because my weight was brought up by so many people and they all said the same thing.

What they were all saying is absolutely, 100% true, and I KNOW they are doing their job and I know that they are right. I know it's a health risk to be as overweight as I am. I wish that I could add an addendum to my medical records with my blog entries of how after eating 500 calories for 90 days straight, I didn't even lose 20 pounds. I wish they could see a video of me sweating through my hour long work out sessions. I wish they could see food journals for months at a time when I was torturing myself with starvation. I wish they could see how much money I have spent on this or that program, diet, supplement, etc.

I just wish more than anything that people like me could have a chance to say, "I respect what you are saying and I know that what you are telling me is valid, important, and very true, but I haven't been successful in the past and I have tried really, really hard, so can you take some time to direct me to some things that you think might be something else to try?"

Guess what- that will never happen, and it's not because they don't care, there's just not enough time. I can say that everyone I encountered at the hospital had a lot of sensitivity about my weight. They were polite and sensitive, but they didn't beat around the bush about the importance of losing weight. The doctor who delivered my baby wasn't my regular OB, but she sat on the bed with me and had a bit of a heart-to-heart with me. I really liked her and I really appreciated her approach.

She told me to give myself two years to lose 100 pounds. She acknowledged that maybe my body metabolizes things in such a way that it makes it difficult to lose weight, or maybe there are some things going on in my body that make it hard, but the bottom line is energy doesn't just disappear- we either use the energy we put in our bodies, or it is stored as fat, and at the end of the day, it really is "calories in, calories out" and I have to have that attitude in order to be successful. She said to be patient and don't do a "DIET" because diets don't work. She said I need to change my whole lifestyle and I need to lose this weight slowly.

My pregnancy exposed me to a lot of different doctors, personalities, and bed-side-manners. Even though I wanted to defend myself and explain this or that, it doesn't change the fact that my weight is something I absolutely have to get under control (not that this is news to me!) It might be a TAD more complicated than calories in, calories out for me, but I have to believe that one day I'll find the right combination of what my body needs in order to be successful.

I don't know if it's possible for me to ever weigh less than 200 pounds ever again, but something changed inside of me and I know that right now, I feel like I've let go of a lot of the things that got in the way of being successful in the past.

I've struggled with weight, food addiction, compulsive eating, yo-yo dieting, emotional eating, and extreme dieting/exercising for YEARS. It's time to stop. It's time to throw out all the excuses and issues, and things I was holding onto that kept getting in my way. It's time to forgive and let go. It's time to quit the self-sabotage, and self-hate, the judgement, the self-worth issues. It's time to be the person I was meant to be- just myself.

Having this little baby flipped off so many switches. It turned off my self-hate and self-worth issues almost immediately. I feel so fulfilled and so full of joy about my future and my life that I don't need to waste another ounce of energy hating myself.

I feel so fulfilled that the need to eat to fill the void is gone. One thing that ALWAYS threw my progress off was binge eating and what I like to call "the food addict" Addicts are professional liars. I have been a professional liar and cheater with every. single. diet. I have ever tried. I have always looked for a way to cheat, even if it was just rounding off my tablespoon of this or that. I have always fed my emptiness with food. ALWAYS. Even as a child. I don't know how to describe it other than I feel like I'm finally FULL. That emptiness I was filling with food is now filled with joy, love, and contentment.

I have left food on my plate, dessert unfinished, and passed up opportunities to overeat without even batting an eye since becoming a mom. I have no interest in behaviors that will hurt me or my future. I have no interest in stuffing myself or eating when I'm not hungry. I have no interest in eating in secret, or feeling shameful about eating a treat (which would lead to eating in secret in the past)

I am not saying that now I just want to eat leafy greens and broiled chicken all day, but I'm saying that the issue of emptiness, grief, anger, fear, hatred, and loneliness that drove me to self-sabotaging behaviors in the past is gone. I always knew that if I could conquer the MENTAL part of my eating disorders and weight problems, then success would follow in its own and way and in its own time. I'm not defining success with a number because I don't know what my body is capable of, but I do know that I already feel like I've conquered the things that held me back in the past and I am so excited about the future.

Life is about more than food. There is more to live for than the next meal or the next piece of cake, or the next piece of pizza. Sadly, I know there were times in my life when I was so depressed that food was about the only thing I looked forward to, aside from spending time with my amazing husband- he has ALWAYS been better than food, but let's face it- married couples LOVE eating food together so...yeah...double bonus- food AND awesome husband :)

I want to be around for my precious son and I want to be healthy enough to have another child in the future. Both of those things make getting back to my healthy self- physically, emotionally, and mentally- even that much more important. I know that I will be successful and I am very confident about my success in the future. If it takes me 2 years or 5 years to find my weight loss groove, so be it. The most important thing is for me to have balance in my life, so I'm not going on a crash diet, starting an insane workout routine, or cutting out 13 food groups like some diets and "professionals" have told me to do either.

I am focusing on BALANCE. Being a diabetic for almost 9 months taught me more about balance and healthy eating than anything I've ever done in the past. 9 months of NOT binging was very powerful. I feel like a recovered addict in a way that can't be explained unless you've been there. I am focusing on the foods that come from nature and not out of a package from now on. I am letting food be my medicine and the thing that sustains life, rather than the dark rain cloud always interfering in my life.

I have been watching a lot of TV since being home with my baby, and I've been seeing a lot of buzz about "The Dr.'s Diet" The philosophy and program REALLY resonated with me. I feel like it's a combination of the BEST parts of the BEST diets out there- and I love that it focuses on balance, wholesome, real food, and portion sizes. There is no calorie counting, carb counting, and my favorite part- it doesn't cut out any food groups!

Even though I'm not starting this diet because I'm nursing, I'm excited to incorporate the principles and philosophy into my life in addition to continuing to listen to my body, enjoying the freedom from my past demons, and just focusing on putting good things into my body.

If you are curious about this "diet" program, check it out for yourself. I think it's a very fresh and balanced program that comes at the perfect time when the diet industry is all about pushing yourself harder than you should be pushed (cough cough cross fit) and eating in such a screwed up way and eliminating so many food groups that there's no chance of ever eating that way forever.

http://www.thedoctorstv.com/main/content/The_Doctors_Diet

http://www.thedoctorstv.com/videolib/init/11321

I'm going to go enjoy my baby boy now. Thank you for reading what is in my heart and never leaving a nasty comment on my blog. I've been blessed with so many cheer leaders through my ups and downs. Who would have guessed that nearly 4 years after starting this blog, I am even further away from my original goal by quite a lot? Ha! That doesn't matter though. I've used this blog to be honest and it's been cathartic for me more than anything.  I think the next two years will be very successful and everything I have learned about myself and my body in the last 4 years has really prepared me for where I'm at today. NO regrets, NO judgements, and nothing but a positive outlook for the next chapter in my life.

If you were becoming a first time mom...

I am so happy to be 34 weeks pregnant. I still can't believe we're going to have a baby. I'm ready to admit that I am experiencing some lower back pain. sigh. I was trying to be so tough. It takes me 30 minutes to walk around he block and it used to only take 10-15 minutes. Walking makes my lower back scream at me, so I just keep my exercise to stationary biking most days.

My blood sugars have been much better now that my insulin levels are the correct dose. I'm experiencing plenty of puffy hands and feet I'm hoping my blood pressure doesn't start creeping up. So far it's been great, but with all of the puffiness I have in my limbs I'm getting a little worried.

I don't know if most pregnant women experience bouts of insanity, but I would classify what I'm doing on February 22nd as completely insane. I am auditioning at Boise State so I can have the OPTION to finish up my music education degree there...either in the fall or in the future. I will be busting out some oratorios at 36.5 weeks pregnant. Heaven help me.

I might want to consider wearing some depends or something just in case? I hear bladder control starts to go towards the end of pregnancy too.

I have battled with myself for years- finish- don't finish- finish- don't finish- finish- don't finish. I just want the OPTION to apply for a a choir teaching job IF there was ever a need or an ideal situation for me to teach and I hate that I don't even have that option now because I'm not certified.

I'm not committing to going back to school in the fall but you have to apply and audition during this time of year to even have the choice, so I'm doing it.

People go to school while they have kids all the time, right? (as you all laugh at me and think to yourself, she's got no clue...)

Plus I don't really think motherhood is the time to stop improving yourself and I hope I always want to learn and improve myself at every stage of life! I have no idea how much I will want to do after I become a mom, but I want to have some options in case I feel like I need an outlet or other things to keep me connected to the outside world. Any other mothers out there have opinions on the matter?

Cereal. Snoring. Broken couches.

Do you ever wish you were FORCED to eat a midnight snack because if you didn't, you would need to go to the ER? Sounds awesome, right?

I have upgraded my gestational diabetes medication requirements to INSULIN. I'm almost 31 weeks and my body just couldn't keep up on the regular medication. (they promise me this is normal and ok)

After a lot of trial and error, I think my insulin doses are where they need to be. Every night for almost a week I woke up covered in sweat, feeling like I was going to pass out. I would test my blood sugar and it was always in the low 50's...I think 65 is as low as it is supposed to go. I also felt like all I wanted was chuckarama to be in my kitchen so I could eat. and eat. and eat. and eat. and eat.

My routine on my hypo-G nights included pounding as much peach juice from my canned peaches as possible since we don't buy juice and then eating cold cereal. I am SO glad that I snagged rice krispies treats cereal at grocery outlet for $1.49 and even more glad that Dan didn't like it. Cold cereal is a diabetes nightmare for me unless I'm hypo-G, in which case it's a miracle drug. and I like it. A LOT.

After about 7 nights of this, it started getting old and my mouth feels like it ate captain crunch for the first time- you know, like you were chewing on glass- and it actually feels really crappy to have super low blood sugar! I was in touch with my Dr. throughout this ordeal, and even with the insulin adjustments, I was still crashing. Even after a nice 60 carb cereal binge at 2AM, I was also waking up in the 50's each morning! And the cycle continued...

I think I'm finally on the right dose and although a part of me will miss my cereal binges...I'm ok with not "feeding the insulin" each night :)

In other news, I've developed a really bad snoring habit and I sleep in a recliner every night, and sometimes Dan has to go sleep in the other room because I'm snoring so loud. SWEET SWEET REVENGE! Jk. I love my Dan. He had a confession to make that one night he used the ipod to record me bc it was so bad. I'm glad that the recording didn't work.

In general-non-health-related-news, don't ever purchase a couch from Big Lots, even if it is name brand. The couch we purchased last year is literally being held together by the fabric on the outside of the couch. the arms were made of carbdboard and I officially collapsed the whole arm of one of them last night. The back has separated from the cushions and is only intact because it's pushed up against the wall. All of the wood inside the couch is broken and you can move the pieces around inside the couch. I don't know how else to describe it other than it's a giant POS! It is less than 12 months old too...Dan claims I "lift a knee and lunge at it like you're a wrestler" every time I sit in it which only contributes to the problem, but I don't really feel like I body slam the couch THAT bad, like bad enough that it literally just breaks into 400 pieces. Time will tell. Perhaps my goal before giving birth is to complete destroy the couch with my lunging.

So. Don't come and sleep over at our house, don't bring me any sugar because I'm diabetic, and don't come sit on our couch unless you want the most uncomfortable experience of your life. Hope you have a great, insulin free weekend!