Fill my darkness with light

Rats.

I've hit another wall of discouragement. Nothing major has happened, I just get really depressed about the finality of my present condition. (AKA being obese)

I've continued a very regular and very rigorous exercise program for many months with occasional breaks and I feel good about how I'm treating my body in that regard.

I've finally recovered from a few weeks of decent eating and have managed to stay "clean" in my eating for the past few days which always gives me motivation to continue. It just takes a couple days of really nailing it for me to get back on track.

When I start eating poorly, to me that means having some chips with a sandwich, having a pack of fruit snacks, having some brownies, and eating once at chuckarama.

I don't know why I still have a fantasy about losing weight. It really is a fantasy now because I just keep thinking my doctors are wrong and there is a solution for me. I remember a nutritionist at ISU telling me "there were no fat people in Auswich" She's right! Whether or not any of those people had genetic predispositions to have one body type or another, when put in those extreme conditions (too horrifying to think too much about) they didn't stay fat.

I have wrestled and wrestled and wrestled with my next experiment, my next "miracle cure" or my next thing to try. I just can't continue wasting money and time and hopes on something that doesn't work. I also think my poor body has been through enough and another round of starvation isn't going to help matters.

There's always a voice in the back of my head that thinks "If I just starve myself for the next 4 weeks it will jumpstart SOMETHING" or

"If I follow my juice cleanse for 21 days it will restart things" or

"If I just cut out all refined and processed foods for 4 weeks it will jumpstart my body" or

 "If I just skip dinner every other day for the next 4 weeks something magical will happen" or

"If I start exercising 2-3 hours a days that HAS to make a dent somehow"or

"If I do a liver cleanse that will allow my body to function more properly and therefore eliminate my excess weight" or

"If I replace 3 meals a day with green smoothies I'll lose weight" or

"If I only live on rice and beans for 4 weeks that will make me lose 5 pounds"

The list goes on. And on. And on.

I just hate being obese. I hate it more than I have ever hated anything else in this world and in this existence.

In all my darkness and all my sadness I have also come to a realization that if 20 years passes and all I have cared about is how obese I am, then I have truly wasted 20 years. If 20 years passes and I am still obsessed with my weaknesses then I have wasted that time when I could have been helping other people in their own hours of darkness.

Even though I am tempted by the millions of diets and experiments out there (all with mounds of scientific evidence to prove their effectiveness mind you) I am choosing to reject it.

One book will say carbs make you fat, another book says calories make you fat, one book says fat makes you fat, another book will say eating late will make you fat. Who do I believe???

That's the madness I struggle with. Who is right? What is the answer?

Back to darkness...

I think I have a very large giant I'm fighting and it's quite possible that no one has the answer for me. I might continue in circles for the rest of my life searching for a solution and I may never find it.

The thing that has come very strongly into my mind lately is that this trial I am facing will be something that will help me develop compassion for other people and that some trials in life are not ones we are meant to "overcome" and some conditions are things that will not go away in this life.

As I try to accept myself, I will continue to go up and down on my own rollercoaster of happiness. I hope to find strength and self love throughout my journey. I hope to find peace with myself.

I think the thing that is most important for me right now is to nourish my spirit and find peace and comfort through the only one who can understand my pain, and that is Jesus Christ. I've been healed by His love and mercy before in life and He is the only one who understands the pain, discouragement, frustration, hopelessness, and anger that I feel. He is also the only one who can lift those burdens of pain and discouragement.

I will try to surrender those feelings and darkness to my Savior and fill my life with light so there is little room for the darkness to mislead me.

Instead of listening to the voice in the back of my head tempting me to mistreat my body, I will listen to a different voice that tells me I am of great worth just as I am.