+5, -6 new job hunt

I would like to take this opportunity to announce that I lost 6 inches my first month of P90X2.

I also gained 5.5 pounds hahaha!!!

Don't worry, it's not muscle I gained, I promise. I used to work at Curves and we had to take all these classes on fitness and such and I distinctly remember being taught that it can take an entire month to gain one pound of lean muscle so I didn't gain 5.5 pounds of muscle.

I think I weighed the day after I had montazuma's revenge and was down a lot the day of my first weigh in, but guaranteed it was all water weight.

I have been a terrible eater for the past few weeks and I really don't have a good excuse.

I really really really want to be a paleo queen, I really do, but I just lost my motivation after doing it for 5ish weeks. I just like going on dates too much with Dan!

No, really. I really want to be a paleo queen. I felt really good eating that way. I didn't notice a huge miraculous difference in my health or weight like I had hoped, but I did feel less attached to food once I got going and I really felt healthier in terms of digestion.

I actually am taking a huge leap of faith in life right now. During my Simply Healed sessions, I have really been working on addressing the things in life that are getting in my way. I know my biggest barrier right now is STRESS.

Without going into a huge long post, I will say that for most of my life I have wanted to please people. I understand more about that now more than I ever have before. I wanted to be liked because I felt a lot of rejection as a child. I worked so hard for people to like me. In my child-like way of thinking, I have falsely assumed that if I disappoint people, they won't like me and I fear not being like so much and so deeply that I have lived a life of doing things for the wrong reasons.

I love being a music teacher and I love my students dearly, but the whole gig is causing me way too much stress. Until recently, I couldn't hardly fathom the idea of quitting teaching. I couldn't think about abandoning my students and knowing I had disappointed all these parents and kids. I take my job very seriously and the relationship I have with my students is, dare I say, sacred to me?

I haven't been able to actually apply for other jobs with full intentions until now. I am too stressed in my current line of work. I drive 500 miles a week. I charge what I think is fair for a lesson, but not what I think is fair for a traveling teacher. I get home at 9:00 p.m. most nights. I don't know the last time I cooked dinner for our little family on a week night. I eat dinner late every night and go to bed on a full stomach.

This is no way to live. I am miserable living this way. I have had to take on this many students to make ends meet so cutting back my students is not an option right now.

The only option is to find a full-time job with benefits. I've even applied for a job that is my DREAM JOB. I've applied for a job in Jackson Hole to work for the music festival I worked at in 2009. I'm just thinking about me, what my needs our, and what I need to do to eliminate all the stress in my life.

Dan is behind me 100% which I am grateful for. I believe that eliminating stress is going to be the magic bullet in my recovery. Granted we will eventually be moving to an unknown location when he enters nursing school, but I am confident that wherever we go, I will be able to get a new job, or continue working for the companies I have applied for.

I am really praying I am able to find full time work in the next several months, hopefully sooner. I am prepared to let my studio go and move forward in a career that allows me to see a doctor when I need to, a dentist to fix my tooth ache, and have my blood tested regularly by an endocrinologist. I look forward with great anticipation for the time when I can again cook dinner for my husband, not eat lunch and pre-dinner in my car, not live out of a cooler and lunch bag every day, and actually be home before the sun goes down.

Even more importantly, I look forward to a job that doesn't require me to drive 500 miles a week. I have a lot of anxiety about driving (for obvious reasons) and eliminating the stress of driving is critical for me to recover.

I am feeling hopeful about this decision. I will be patient for the right job and I am open to many types of careers. I've been tentatively applying for jobs since December, but I'm getting serious about it now!