POWER!!!!!

I don't know why "getting something off your chest" sets you free. I think finally being honest about some people who have pressured me to be thin has been powerful for me. I've also let some words of others destroy certain parts of my self worth. Without being as detailed as the last post I'm just going to put some quotes that have stuck with me for way too long. These are things people have said to me that I took way too personally and that I believe have contributed to me feeling unworthy of the things I want in life or feeling like I'm going to get revenge by doing the opposite of what I was told.

"Wow, what happened to your weight?...There's probably nothing wrong with you, you just need to exercise two hours a day and eat less."


"You get your head so far up in the clouds and think so positively about everything that you have no idea what reality is."


"People would wonder why we let you into the program if they heard you sing right now."


"You are a terrible business woman."


"You don't need me anymore so get out of my office."


"I want you to lose at least 70 pounds this year, your weight has really gotten out of hand."


"You're bi-polar and I'm not taking you off your medicine because look what happened when you weren't medicated?" (for the record I was misdiagnosed as bipolar and put on medication for 2 years about 3 weeks after moving to Utah. It's common for people with Hashimoto's to get a misdiagnoses at some point)


"Singers like you really get on my nerves because they don't know how to count, and if they would learn to play the piano they might actually know what's going on." (this was followed by a 5 minute rant on singers who are terrible musicians, using me as the example...there's a backstory but it doesn't matter)

I have always struggled with caring too much about what others think. I know a lot of my first weight loss journey was motivated by trying to please others or at least try to make sure no one could judge me for being overweight.

I think it's completely normal to care about what others think, why do you think Jr. High is hell on earth for most of us? I've mentioned that my emotional development was stunted because of some difficult things in my childhood. I think this "stunt" in my growth really has contributed to me being overly sensitive about the opinions of others. It seems that I am so quick to believe someone else's opinion of me rather than develop and believe my own opinions about myself.

I have always felt vulnerable and insecure about myself in certain areas and extremely confident and bold about other areas of myself. Especially since starting this blog I am shocked at how many people have commented to me that they had no idea I was insecure. I think my confidence in other areas was strong enough that I knew how to hide behind it. There has always been a disconnect but it's not obvious to those around me.

By discovering my own power and my own worth I can let the opinions of others be words that roll off my back rather than keep me frozen in time. Sometimes we need someone to be honest and tell us the truth about something but I have taken too many things personal in my life and consequently am stuck in time, replaying conversations and situations over and over and over in my mind and thus living in the past.

I am letting go!

I am free from the pain!

I am worthy of anything I want!

I have the power to create my own reality and must work towards my goals without constantly looking in the rearview mirror!

By the way as an update I have made the decision to not diet. For the past month I have been "meditating" on the needs of my body and the issues I have with food. The conclusion I have come to is that I am not going to follow a specific plan, but I am going to eat as nutritiously as possible when I am hungry and not eat when I am bored, stressed, anxious, or happy.

I have been evaluating my food choices based on their nutrition not based on their calories. I lost over 60 pounds during my undergrad and never once counted a calorie. I counted "points" to lose the last 15 or so pounds but the first 50 pounds were a result of choosing healthy food and working on listening to my body. I had an "ah-hah" moment that I started counting calories for the first time about 3.5 years ago and it hasn't served me well. I know calorie reduction is essential for weight loss but I have restricted and then yo-yo dieted for so long that I feel I have started and malnourished my body.

What's funny is that the "homework" I posted over a year ago is kind of exactly what I'm doing. As they say, "When the student is ready, the teacher will emerge."

What I have noticed this week is how much power I feel over my food choices. I don't feel driven to binge, overeat, or choose foods that are nutritious. This is a giant leap for me. I feel less compulsion to eat just to be eating. I can leave food on my plate if I am full. I can have one serving of dessert and not obsess over wanting more.

We'll see how long I can continue on this path!