Wipe Out!!!!

Remember when I said I was going to start a new recipe blog and one of the sections would be for recipes I  refer to as "wipe out, I needed to eat my feelings?"

Um yeah.

Wipe. Out.

I have decided the certain kinds of stress bring out the ugliest sides of my addiction to food. The good part about journaling and obsessing so much about it is that I can identify the emotion behind things now rather than shoving my face full of food and then suffering from fat cow syndrome and a lot of guilt.

This whole moving in a few days thing has me all stressed out. I've also been super stressed about school starting this summer. This week has been full of unknowns and uncertainty on top of exhaustion and chaos. This is the perfect storm for a total wipe out day. I knew when I started Medifast that if I ever lost momentum and started "supplementing" (not cheating) I may never get back on that 100% train.

Oh well, that's for another post. I've been up and down in a lot of areas. Up and down with my motivation, up and down with my adherence, up and down with my weight, and of course up and down with what's going on in our lives!!! I'll come around. I always do. This always happens. I get going really good on a program and then a few months into it I need a break and go a little wild and then I come back around with a new sense of motivation.

I'm hoping that return of motivation is just around the corner. Here's the deal. We are temporarily moving in with Dan's parents. What a blessing for us right now. We will save so much money and be able to pay for school in cash which is amazing. Since Dan grew up there he probably won't have an adjustment period. I get along with my in-laws incredibly well and I am crazy about them. I'm not concerned with living there, but I pinpointed some strange emotions I've had about moving in.

For the last 1.5 years it's just been Dan and I. When I have a moment with the jar of peanut butter or something else ghetto like that, it's in the safety of my own home with my own spoon and there's no reason to try to cover it up. No one is watching, not even Dan. He really could care less about my eating habits, he just wants me to be happy so when I have a wipe out day it's no biggie for him but it's kind of catastrophic to me.

When we move in with his parents, it's Dan, Me, and 2 other adults. I'll be in someone else's kitchen, eating their glorious food (she is amazing at cooking and shopping and they are very health conscious people so I know the house will always be full of things I can eat) They also have their basement turned into a gym with weights and exercise equipment and they exercise every morning at 5:30am.

So you're still wondering why I would have any anxiety about this?

Well they know how hard I've had to work at my weight and what a battle it has been. His mom totally gets my struggles and I talk to her about them frequently. The problem is that I suddenly feel some loss of control. I feel like since I'll have more of an audience, I can't just pull out a jar of peanut butter when I'm stressed and dig in. I guess I could, technically, but it would be weird with a capitol W.

Today I had a moment with the piano prize bag. Haven't had one of those days in MONTHS. I don't even want to talk about it but there are a lot of candy wrappers in my car right now. I was SO anxious and stressed and as I was shoving my face full of laffy taffy's, I just kept saying, this is my last chance to do something like this! I will have no control soon! No chances to lighten up if I want to! Everyone will be watching me!

So I drove home from teaching while shoving my face full of candy for a totally silly reason. That is what sets me apart from people who have a healthy relationship with food, but I know that there are millions like me who have done the same thing. We're like an underground society that never talks about it openly, but I know you're out there!!!

Once we are settled I am very confident I'll have less feelings to eat. I know I'll have access to copious amounts of fresh produce and amazing meat to eat for my lean and green. I can't really just quit a program that has saved my sanity and saved my health....but I think I'm fighting 2 battles- the medifast is the easy part- fixing all the things in my head that drive me to eat as a coping mechanism, um yeah, not so easily fixed by ANY diet program. Oh well. Here I am. The lady who is 100% human.