I'm going to be ok.

I have read my last post about 100 times. It's so crazy to me that it's gotten to that point. I can't believe that I've let myself become so depressed and angry. I can't say that anything in that last post was exaggerated. It really was from the bottom of my heart. It's just a part of myself that was beginning to take over and I have spent the last few days devoting my energy to healing, loving myself, and thinking about what I can do to live the life of JOY that I know I want to live.

I attended a seminar about weight loss surgery and I still don't know if I'm going to pursue it, but I am considering it as a last resort. It kind of feels like the last resort, but I don't think I'm QUITE there yet.

My BFF who probably knows me better than anyone else in many ways called and said some words I needed hear. She reminded me of the days when we were funny, carefree, creative dorks in high school writing skits and performing comedy shows for ourselves and anyone who would watch.

She told me flat out she HATES the idea of me having surgery, and it's eating her up inside that I am even considering it. She told me "you've above that. You're above being obsessed with this enough to have a surgery that will change your body forever. You have got to find something to put your energy into besides weight loss."

She is a cancer survivor, a mother of two sons, and one has autism. She has lived in Brazil. She has started successful businesses. She has excelled in everything she puts her mind to. She is amazing. But guess what, she has had the classic midlife crisis that I think we all have at some point. She is also the kind of person who wakes up completely bored even when she's got all her irons in the fire.
I totally relate to that right now. I'm bored. There I said it- I'm bored out of my mind. Dan needs to be devoted to school and I need to be devoted to working,  and so much of our lives are devoted to hard work and sometimes hard work is so boring I could SCREAM!!!! 

My BFF and I can relate to living an exciting, theatrical, and adventurous life that suddenly came to a halt when we got married. Not that marriage isn't those things and so much more, but it's an adjustment to go from riding horses every afternoon on the dude ranch to working from home and wearing a headset and staying in the same room for 8 hours. She has gone through the same thing- and both of us can relate to feeling completely bored while we slog through the responsibilities of life.

It's hard to explain but neither of us are "normal" people. We're just not. If you know me, you know exactly what I'm talking about and sometimes I forget how wonderful my "not-normal" is. She is always there to remind me how fabulous we are even if we are not content to do the same thing over and over each day.

I sometimes want to scream to all those young kids getting ready to go live in the national parks, study abroad, or have some crazy summer job and tell them DON'T DO IT, IT WILL RUIN YOU!!!! YOU'LL NEVER BE CONTENT AGAIN!

Now before you go thinking I'm not content, you have to know that I am head over heels for my husband, and I wouldn't have any other life than the life we share together. I am grateful for what I have, but I do not feel like I'm using any of my creativity, talents, or personality in any part of my life and my creative self has been dying a slow painful death.

What I have not been prepared for is a life of routine, repetition, and the amount of responsibilities/pressure I carry every single day. I was also not prepared to lose my health. I have yet to come to terms with the fact that my health was taken from me as though it was taken by a thief in the night.

I was not prepared to ever struggle with obesity, fatigue, infertility, exhaustion, and most of all- I was not prepared and am still not prepared for the reality that so far, it's all out of my control.

I can't say that I'm not still deeply depressed, angry, sad, pissed off, and RAGING mad that I don't have control of my body and my health. I'm still all of those things. I'm mad. I can't actually put into words how mad I am.

With any challenge in life, anger won't change a damn thing about it. I'm even mad that getting mad won't fix it! It's so frustrating.

I'm not giving up on myself, but I can't let myself live in a state of severe depression either. I can't say I've had a wonderful spiritual awakening or experience, or that I'm even ready to pray about this anymore. I'm working through my anger at the Lord for not making me better, but that's just a reflection of where I'm at today. I might be in a different place next week or next month and I know one day I will look back at this part of my life and it will be one of the most defining moments in my life.

Because I know myself, I know that somehow, some way, through some miracle, I will eventually find acceptance of my situation, but I'm not ready now.

It's time to do as my wise friend said- put all this energy, all this anger, all this frustration toward something that will make me happy. Reawaken that creative, funny self. She and I have had so many million-dollar-ideas over the years and we made a commitment to each other to make those ideas into a reality. We are too creative to let it all go to waste.

I have to admit that I did something I haven't done in a LONG. LONG. TIME. I made jokes. I cracked jokes to my husband and laughed so hard I had a sore throat the next day.

It felt amazing! It felt amazing to joke with him on the day of the seminar that I was going to wear a shirt that said "I'm only here for moral support" as I walked in with my stick skinny husband.

or make a shirt that says "Weight loss support staff" with a button that says "Ask me how much I've lost?"

or one that says "Guest Speaker"

I'm sorry, but that is funny crap. Imagine being obese going to a weight loss surgery seminar wearing those shirts. It's funny on so many levels to me.

Maybe not to you, but it is to me.

I also blew up pinterest with my friend Amy J who signed in under my name and we came up with some funny crap. She's one of the funniest people I know and I was shaking my bed in laughter last night at some of the things we were coming up with.

Do you know how good it felt to laugh when just a few days ago I was wondering if I really wanted to live with my health problems anymore? It felt REAL good.

It felt good to laugh so hard it hurt. I'm ready to nurture my funny side. I'm ready to be creative. Be inspired. I'm ready to be spontaneous. Be REAL and be ME. Do me a favor and give me a shout out for coming up with some of my jabs on pinterest- for reals people, 10 minutes a day will NOT lead to great legs or great abs. Paleo cookies are still cookies- and I'm pretty sure our ancestors were NOT eating cookies, they were too busy killing mammoths.  They didn't have time to make almond flour! Ok, I think you'll have to go see my pinterest boards to get what I'm talking about.

So in closing after this ridiculously long rant- I love Alanis Morrisette and I love how she knows that anger is simply an extension of fear and it can be a beautiful, raw, scary, but healing thing to feel. I'm ready to heal a little bit at a time.

There is hope. There is hope that when Dan and I show up at a weight loss surgery seminar together that they won't be able to tell immediately who is there for the surgery info and who is just there for moral support :) (That's because I'll be wearing my t-shirt saying "I'm just here for moral support")