No. Motivation. At. All.

Do you ever make goals only to discover that once you made the goal you wanted to be a rebel and do the opposite of your goal?

I made some goals this past week and if it weren't for this blog I wouldn't even remember them. I remember trying to cut back on nuts and fruit...something about less treats and free meals...blah blah blah.

This week I was hit with two unexpected and very uncomfortable illnesses. I had to leave my student's houses both times. One was so I could barf into the prize bucket and the other time was because I had terrible pains in my abdomen and I couldn't hardly walk from the piano to my car. It took me out for the rest of the night and I had to stay on the couch until I went to bed (still in pain)

I am a big baby. Anyone who knows me very well knows that I hate pain, I hate being sick, and when I am sick, I really like to milk it. When I'm sick, I want someone to turn on the humidifier for me, buy me Kleenex with lotion, bring me room temperature 7-up if it's the flu, soup if I have a cold, and then check on me every 20 minutes. Blame it on my mom because that's how it was growing up alright.

I really couldn't push through either of these sicknesses and so I spent a lot of time on the couch this week. I also spent a lot of time making excuses for myself. I was also really good at making myself a victim. Poor poor me. I had all the excuses you could come up with to justify me coming off my paleo "diet." Well let's just say that by Tuesday, I was already eating pizza and by Friday night, I had made no bake cookies.

This was not the week for me to brag about my awesome healthy eating skills. I did work out everyday though, so that ought to count for something.

Something snapped this week and I just had zero interest in being on any kind of a diet. I just didn't want to do it. I tried not to fall too far off the bandwagon, but I have kind of come up with a new plan.

Right now, I feel that cutting out grains and sugar most of the time is an awesome way to eat. I feel a lot better when I do. My stomach doesn't hurt, I don't feel bloated, I have less acne, my nose isn't stuffy all the time, and I don't get headaches.

I'm not so convinced that cutting out dairy and beans has done anything amazing for me. I don't usually have problems with those foods anyway. I've never had a cheese binge. I've never had a milk binge. I've never had a black bean binge.

I know that the paleo theory says these foods are harmful for your digestive system and our bodies aren't designed to break them down, so I'm not saying I'm going to jump on the dairy and legume bandwagon, but I don't need to think of them as forbidden.

I just think I need a little moderation in this way of eating. I have been getting bountiful baskets and I think they are wonderful! I think I'm going to try to plan all my meals and eating around what I receive in my bountiful basket rather than be 100% strict on certain food groups. I really only get fresh produce in these baskets anyway, so not too far off from Paleo.

I just need to feel like if I want to have some beans with my avocado, it's not the end of the world. I think cutting way back on grains and sugar is going to be a lifetime commitment for me, but if I have some red potatoes with my fish, I'm not going to beat myself up.

I would like to also announce that my awesome workout partner is down 6 pounds already after her first week of p90x2. She is amazing. She lives in my complex and I adore her. She struggles with so many of the same things that I do and our bodies are very similar in build. She has been watching what she eats and doing p90x2 with me and is already down 6 pounds.

I am jumping up and down for her and crying inside all at the same time. I only cry for myself. I've been really consistent for the past 3 weeks with my p90x2 workouts and I've also been pretty strict about my diet for the last 5 weeks. This past week wasn't perfect, but it wasn't that terrible either. It's kind of a testament that something is not working with my body when my friend has already lost 6 pounds doing almost the same thing as me. I haven't lost a pound.

My grand total after 30 days of Paleo was funny. I weigh exactly the same as I did on my first day. I didn't go down in inches either. I thought for a second that I was down like 7.5 pounds! I had gained a few pounds my first week of Paleo and then the next time I weighed, I was down 7.5 pounds from that number. I guess I was down 3.5 from my highest weight since starting, but I weighed exactly the same as I did the day I started. yippeee!!!

This is why I lose motivation. Seriously. Sometimes I want to freak out and cry about it and other times I just want to forget about trying. I just want to give up. I don't even know what motivates me to exercise or make healthy food choices when I haven't seen any sustainable results for over 2 years. I don't know what made me get up early on a Saturday to sweat and jump around in my living room.

Yeah yeah, I know there are other health benefits besides weight loss, but I really only care about the weight loss right now. I have said it a hundred times, but I'm just not comfortable at this weight.

I don't know when I will have success at weight loss. I know I will, I just don't know when it will happen. I have another energy clearing session in a couple weeks and I'm interested to see what else is going on. I know that my body just needs me to be patient but right now I would rather watch grass grow for a hundred years than wonder why I am not able to lose weight.

I guess I will just keep truckin along.