What to do when crappy things happen.

Well the unexpected happened over the weekend. I am in this very strange place in my head where I actually feel like I've blocked out the fact that I was pregnant for 11.5 weeks. I don't think of myself as someone to likes to live in denial but right now it just seems like the last few months were a dream, but it wasn't real.

I started some unusual spotting on Saturday and of course I panicked. I was ignoring the pit in my stomach that I was no longer carrying a little baby inside of me and kept trying to tell myself that it was just the irrational side of myself assuming the worst. I held on to a little thread of hope through the night and then during the first 2 meetings of church. Sadly, once I went to the bathroom at church I went and grabbed Dan from our Sacrament meeting and told him we needed to go home because I knew something wasn't right.

I kept waiting and waiting for things to get worse but they didn't for several hours. Without giving you all the gory details let's just say that going through a miscarriage at home over the weekend when the doctor's offices are closed is very traumatic for someone who has never been pregnant or experienced significant physical pain. (I am admittedly a wuss)

Once things took a big turn for the worst and I knew it was a miscarriage and not spotting, there was a very big mixture of sadness and relief. The relief came from all the fear and anxiety I had felt for the last 24 hours because I didn't know whether something was wrong or if I was just freaking out without reason. My sweet husband showed his love and concern for me in ways that I will never ever forget. He stayed by my side for all hours of the night, rubbing my back, my shoulders, my aching hips, and telling me it would be OK. He did a lot of laundry that night kept me comfortable and safe. He did everything in his power to make me feel better and my love for him grew even more, which I didn't think was possible.

There were many tears shed by the both of us that night and on Monday, but the beautiful thing we got to experience was something I have only experienced a few other times in my life. When I lost Hollie, I will never forget the feeling that people talk about when they literally feel like angels are there comfort them. We experienced a very similar experience that night that I will always hold near and dear to my heart. I could feel my family praying for us and I could feel an immense amount of love coming from the Lord. That is the beauty of experiencing unexpected grief. I believe that during those times we are given unique blessings of comfort that only come during some of the most difficult times of our lives.

Without dwelling on the sadness, I would like to say that I am very positive about the future. My doctor detected low levels of progesterone in my system and because I don't speak medical/doctor, I will just say that without progesterone, you have a miscarriage like I did. I will be given shots of progesterone when I get pregnant again and she thinks I'll have a much better outcome.

Of course I like to find laughter and joy in life and so I have compiled a list of things that I will appreciate more in life before I become pregnant again. These are things I have noticed are much different now that I'm not pregnant anymore that I totally took for granted!

1. I will appreciate my car and discovered  my car really doesn't smell like death, I just thought it did. The strange odor that made me want to vomit disappeared! I will also appreciate being able to wear parfume and not having the nose of a blood hound.

2. I ate salad today and will appreciate leafy greens more.

3. I can think about vegetables without wanting to vomit.

4. I will appreciate my boobs not feeling like they got hit with baseball bats.

5. I will appreciate not feeling like sleeping 24/7.

6. I will appreciate and enjoy vigorous workouts for longer than 30 minutes.

7. I will appreciate all the wonderful foods I can eat and prepare without wanting to run out of my house because of strange odors.

8. I will appreciate deli meat and Subway before it becomes off limits again.

9. I will enjoy and appreciate caffeine before it too becomes off limits again.

10. I will enjoy my alone time with Dan and enjoy our lives as just the two of us before the joy of children changes the dynamic of our relationship forever. (For good of course!)

11. I will appreciate being able to lift heavy things and move furniture around if I need to.

12. I will take rollercoaster rides as often as possible.

Now please do not mistake this list as something that I would rather have than a child. I look forward with great anticipation to being a mom but being pregnant for 12 weeks reminded me of all the things I didn't appreciate before so I am making an effort to enjoy and appreciate the simple things in life that I know I'll miss once I become pregnant again.

Dan and I are so grateful for the kind words of friends and family and we really feel blessed right now because of the love we have felt from people. We are excited to enjoy the time we have as just the two of us before we are able to think about trying that whole baby-making thing again.

I guess this blog won't have to be put on hold until April. I have plans to lose the bit of baby weight I had already gained and become as healthy as possible before getting pregnant again. But just for the record, I have LOVED and I mean LOVED not being on a diet and counting calories and with that said I am not committing to ANYTHING structured right now. Ask me tomorrow what my plan is and it might be totally different but today I never want to do another diet as long as I live, so today I am not on a diet. Today I am just trying to love my body and give myself time to heal and recover.