Does the inside matter?

If you read this blog, you know I have been working hard to shrink. I've also been working hard to re-train my brain to love myself unconditionally, believe I am beautiful, reject the standards of beauty offered by the media, and work through so many emotional roadblocks that keep me from reaching my goal.

This is not easy. Two things have been on my mind lately. These are not necessarily related.

It was brought to my attention by a very very close friend who knew me all through high school, college, and post-college life, that I hid my insecurities and pain. She knows just about everything there is to know about the "softer" side of Steph and I don't mean my muffin-top.

This close friend confessed that she did not know I was insecure about my weight until years after high school. I honestly thought my friends and those around me knew how much I hated battling my weight. I really didn't know I hid it that well. To unintentionally hide it from someone who is one of my best friends made me wonder how I am actually perceived and if I habitually hide my real feelings. Why on earth would I do that? Hmmm.

I think it can be very scary to be honest about our insecurities. I don't always think it's healthy or appropriate to share all our insecurities to everyone we know. I do, however, think it's healing and cathartic to open up about things that cause us  pain and embarrassment. I am still in shock that I hid my biggest insecurities so well.

I explained to her that I was an unusual "fat" girl. I was unusual because I had (well, I still have) a personality that I feel is larger than life. I'm outspoken, usually outgoing, motivated, driven, and a goal oriented person. I was also very smart and very aware of my surroundings growing up. I am not sure if this is typical or not but I watched a lot of people and figured out what certain people did to be accepted and well-liked. I wanted to have friends because I thrive on being social. I was not a book worm or someone who found comfort in solidarity. I wanted to be surrounded by people, conversation, action, activities, and the excitement of high school.

I was smart enough to know that during jr. and high school years, a lot of people are judged by their looks. It is just the facts. I somehow knew that if I was quiet, soft spoken, and a wall flower, I would stay that way forever and I would never be happy. I knew that if I wanted people to look past my somewhat homely appearance (it's ok, I was a late bloomer, most of us were.) I had to work a little harder to get noticed. I think in working so hard to be happy, have friends, overcome my insecurities, and be part of the action, I put on a permanent happy face without even knowing it.

There were a select few who knew how I really felt about my weight, but the more people that discover I was insecure seem to be a little shocked. The paradox of this is that I did have happy, awesome, amazing, memorable times growing up, but when I reflect on my past, I see a very dark, depressed, insecure, sad girl who tried her very best to overcome these things on her own. I had a very tough time with this and perhaps I put my happiest face on around the people I wanted most to be my friends. I certainly didn't want to drag anyone down!

The reason it's healing for me to talk and write about these things is that it reminds me why I turned to food and "dishonest" behaviors often exhibited in addicts. Sometimes I felt like I was living a double life. Sometimes the pain of what I experiencing at home was so overwhelming that when I was at home or in private I was a very sad, angry, unpredictable kind of person but in public I put on my happy face for fear I would lose my friends or social life. When I say dishonest, I don't mean that I stole or lied, but that I wasn't true to myself or my feelings all the time and I was dishonest with myself about overeating.

I know this kind of behavior impacted my family. I don't know that it impacted my friends so much, but I know those who shared a roof with me know what I'm talking about. I still carry guilt and shame for being such an angry person at home. I still feel guilt about yelling and fighting with my loved ones and making them live in fear around me. I guess the only explanation I have is that it was very hard for me to sustain "fake happy" forever and at some point I was like the volcano that had to erupt sometime.

This is super personal and heavy but I have had a a rough few days and have not been able to pinpoint where some of these feelings have come from. After identifying my feelings of inadequacy and guilt from living a somewhat "double life," it makes things more clear for me. I think I will carry a certain amount of emotional baggage for a long time about the emotional and verbal abuse I endured as a child. Children are just not equipped with the tools to deal with some of the things I had to deal with growing up and so there were parts of me that were broken and even after years of counseling, I still feel broken sometimes. I'm much much much better, but there's still progress to be made.

I guess the second thought is related. So now what. What do I do? I remind myself where some of my emotional eating comes from, why I still feel guilt and shame, why I am so good at putting on the "fake happy" face, and want to work on being a whole person. I actually think I'm a lot worse at putting on fake happy face now, so I might scratch that one off the list. I just know there's a time and a place to pull out fake happy and when it's time for me to be honest with my feelings.

I think ugliness can come in all forms. Sometimes we become ugly on the inside because of how we feel about ourself and out of anger. I think ugliness is far more internal than external. So many of us think that being ugly means looking unattractive. I am guilty of this. I was reminded recently that ugliness can live on the inside and ridding myself of my inner-ugliness takes a lot of work, patience, soul searching, honesty, and tears.

I am still a work in progress. I am imperfect. I can't change my past but I can work on the present and make changes for the future. Right now working on the inside is just as important as the outside. I know that by allowing the Lord to take my heavy burdens, I will be relieved but it is so hard to just give it up. Sometimes it seems impossible to just give up pain, frustration, anger, hurt, resentment. It seems impossible to forgive some people. It seems impossible to let go of a grudge. I am not good at these things believe it or not. I am not generally an angry resentful person but man, when I feel anger and resentment it is powerful and those feelings have been very strong this week for lots and lots of reasons.

I have to work through these feelings. I have to figure out the root. I have to figure out where the hurt stems from. If I don't, I think I run the risk of covering it up with food again. It's actually a lot easier to accomplish this with the help of Dan. I think the best marriage is one where your other half can be your balancer. If our spouses reinforce that we are victims and powerless and we are justified in our negative behaviors and attitudes, there's a problem in my opinion. Dan is so good at validating my feelings and helping me figure out how to be a better person without telling me to just forget it and move on. I am so blessed.

Well here's to working on my inner-ugly rather than turning to food.