The burning eyes

Dang it! I thought for sure today I would be able to say the sun came out and I was done being stuck under the rock feeling sorry for myself, grumpy, and missing my homeland. I had a wonderful time teaching lessons yesterday and thought the rain cloud over my head was disappearing. My sweet husband even told me a little white lie after work and told me we were out of hot water so he had to wait to take a shower but that I should stay half asleep in bed because I have to get up so early. To my surprise, I walked into the kitchen this morning and the whole kitchen had been cleaned, dishes done and put away, and all the laundry was done. I have been in such a funk that I have let my housewife duties slide a bit. I went in to thank him at 5:45AM and he said he felt so bad for lying to me about being out of hot water when in reality he was cleaning the kitchen after a long night closing up the shop. I remember thinking it was strange we were out of hot water because I had started the laundry on COLD, but when you're half asleep you'll buy any story! It was the nicest surprise ever. I thought for sure my day would be nothing but sunshine and rainbows.

I went to my workout and it was so hard. I finally understand why people on the Biggest Loser start crying in the middle of their workouts. Our first interval was sprinting around the whole mini mall 2 times in 2 minutes. The bootcamp class takes place in Orem in this big mini mall and it's in an L shape, so when I was informed I had 2 minutes to run around it 2 times I thought there was no way.

I surprised myself and actually did it! It was cold outside but I had a great view of the mountains and pushed myself as hard as I could. As soon as we walked in the doors we went to the next interval which was mountain climbers for a minute, 30 second break, and then pushing a giant metal thin with 50lbs of weight on it across the floor for a minute straight, then repeat. Have you ever seen people pushing around a stack of weights on the Biggest Loser? Yeah, now I know why they are dripping in sweat and looking like they are about to die. I pushed and pushed and kept pushing myself until I just started crying. My body got all shaky and I thought I was about to black out and then next thing I know there are tears running down my face.

I pulled it together and repeated the whole interval hoping my tears just looked like sweat but I just wanted to quit. I wanted to quit pushing around that stupid weight, quit holding the weight of my body up, and quit trying to conquer this beast.

Somehow I finished the workout and got home a little shaken up. I had my final fat blast contest results/award meeting and I was all excited because I KNOW I worked my butt off. I ate clean, I did my workouts, I did everything she told us to do and I guess I somehow thought that it was virtually impossible for anyone to have tried harder than me.

I assumed that I had gone above and beyond the call of duty and was eating so much less than the average person that there was no way anyone could have beat me. I sat there in the meeting and as our trainer started reading off the highest weight loss, highest body fat % lost, most inches lost, etc. I realized I had no chance. I could feel these stupid hot tears coming back in my eyes and I was terrified I was going to start bawling.

I wasn't going to cry because I lost, I was going to cry because I was reminded AGAIN that this is my reality and I'm sick of it. I lost 6 pounds this month and the winner lost almost 14. I lost 0% body fat and the winner lost 7%. I lost a lot of inches everywhere but still not enough to even put on the honorable mention list. Here I am in a group of women that have less weight to lose than me, and they still get faster, more dramatic results than me. I have such a hard time being excited about my progress when I KNOW how hard I have worked, how much I have sweat, how careful I have been with my eating, and yet I am still not physically able to achieve what as much as a disease-free person.

I had to sit through pictures, awards, and chatting all while fighting back these tears. I thought for sure I was going to have to run out of the room like a drama queen and everyone would think I was bawling because I didn't win. Sometimes it would just be easier to wear a sign on my head that says, "don't judge me, I have Hashimoto's."

I got to my car and lost it big time. I think I scared Dan. I hate losing it so bad that I hyperventilate. I hate it. It is exhausting. It took me a long time to calm down and pull myself together. After a long discussion I realized that I keep forgetting that I have health issues, and that my health issues are so random and so mysterious that I don't even want to acknowledge that the might be impeding my progress because honestly, I have no 100% proof why my progress is so unpredictable.

I just feel so confused and so worn out and so tired of fighting this battle. I'm not giving up, but I'm tired of having to do EXTREMES to get results. The fat blast program was very similar to what I was doing when I was gaining weight each week and to hear that one woman lost almost 14 pounds following the program and I had gained 15 doing a similar program is just freaking devastating.

People that are overweight are easy to judge. It's easy to assume someone is cheating on their diet or lying about how much they eat. I've done that plenty of times- been the judger and the cheater. I have definitely had my moments of poor eating choices and cheated on diets and everything else under the sun. But I have also been dedicated and NOT done any of those things. I know how I have been for the past few months and it is so frustrating that even with my dedication and hard work I will never achieve what I would be able to achieve if I didn't have the mystery disease.

Needless to say I'm never participating in a weight loss contest again. I just can't compete. Dan said it's like a special Olympian competing in the regular Olympics, it's just not fair! It's hard to stay motivated. It is hard to be excited about my results because I know my biggest problem is that I am comparing myself to other people. I just don't think of myself as having a "disease" or health issues that might affect my weight. I just assume that I am on thyroid medication and that should make everything fine and dandy and back to normal. I just have so many unanswered questions about the whole thing.

I better figure out how to live with this though because it's going to be with me for the rest of my life. I will be fine. I will find a way, I always do. It might take me 2 years to lose the remaining 50-60 pounds I'd like to lose. It might take me 1 year, 6 months, who knows.  I might pull myself together over the weekend, afterall, I do have my piano recital this weekend those are always pure entertainment!

Plus, I do have a loving family and awesome friends who keep me going. Just so you all know, I read and cherish every comment you guys leave. I wish it was more like FB where I could respond to the comments individually, but I know if I leave a comment on someone's blog I never go back to see if there's a "response" comment, so sadly I don't always leave a response comment because I figure no one will ever read them! But thanks for your comments and support! It means the world to me and helps the clouds go away.

don't let this fool you, I had to get a picture of my amazing trainer, Christy, but I was on the verge of tears right now :(