Worth every penny so far

Today is my third day on Medifast and I am already down 4.5 pounds. I almost started crying when I got on the scale. That is already more weight than I have lost in an entire year. The program came at the perfect time for me. I would say that this program is not for someone just somewhat interested in losing weight, or someone who leads a very stressful life. I say that because these first few days have been ok for me but I swear the only reason I'm able to function on this program so well is because of all the homework I've been doing with myself and really facing some of the demons inside me that I always allow to come out and sabotage my efforts. I know how I have been for most of my life when it comes to food and dieting. The first few days or even few weeks were usually pretty good and then I would snap and start cheating a little bit here and a little bit there. The last 3 or so months have taught me how to stick to whatever it is I am dong. The last 3 months I chose to journal every single thing that I ate and I give myself a 95% score on that effort. I stayed within my calorie budget for 3 months and only went above the allowance 3 or 4 days (I can't remember but I know it was 3 or 4). I still had a few "binges" but I tracked it. Now that I'm in the habit of being honest and truthful with myself I feel like this new program is within reason for me. I still feel a little hungry at night but I just fight through it and then go to bed.

I have found a new love of vegetables! I am loving salads again which is exciting to me. I feel that I'm getting some of my "taste" back for healthy food, even just being on the program for a full 48 hours has given me hope that I will get my life back. As I was sitting in church today it occurred to me why this is so important to me. I realize that some of this is pure vanity, but I don't care. I realized that my whole life I hated being fat because as a child I was treated differently by my peers and my friends. I was active as a child but I was teased and I missed out on so much. I missed out on trying on prom dresses because I was too big for all of them. I missed out on going school shopping with my friends. I would go with them, but I never tried anything on because I already knew nothing at the Buckle would fit me and I didn't want anyone to know what size I wore. I missed out on being able to do those stupid physical fitness tests in elementary school because I couldn't do a single pull up. I missed out on having crushes that liked me. I missed out on feeling confident to have fun at school dances. I dreaded going to dances (despite the smiling face I was hiding behind) because girls that look like me rarely get asked to dance unless it's by one of your understanding guy friends. I have to applaud my guy friends at this point because I had the BEST group of friends growing up and they would take me to dances and even dance with me at a Stake dance or victory dance. They must have amazing mothers who taught them to be kind to everyone because the group of friends I had in high school didn't treat me differently, but I still viewed myself as different and unworthy. I am not saying this to have a pitty party, but it was really hard on me to grow up as the fat girl. I had it much better than other girls and other overweight teens but it was painful and I hated my body. Once I lost weight in college my whole world changed. I could actually share clothes with my friends and roommates!!! It was so awesome to be in control of my life and my happiness. I don't know how I did it. I lost 60 pounds during my undergrad and felt so confident. I dated a lot, I felt like I fit in, I got around campus without huffing and puffing, and I really felt unstopable.

Going from the fat girl to the "normal" girl and then back to the fat girl has just been flat out devastating. I've been fighting my weight for a few years now but in the last year it got out of control. I do have the luxury of blaming some of this problem on my health issues, but I still feel partly responsible for this. Back to my realization today...I realized that I am just not cut out to be overweight. I could never get to a point where I just accepted myself the way I was. I know there are some women who totally rock what they have and I admire them so much!!! I really wish I would have gotten to that point because it would have saved me a lot of tears, but sadly, I never got to that point of just being OK with my body. I got to a point of feeling OK with all my efforts, but I was never satisfied with the amount of weight I gained. I knew I was capable of more but I just couldn't figure out how to get there and that was the most frustrating part of this whole journey. I know I'm going to be successful on this program and when I get off this program I know the transition phase will take about 3 months but I am prepared!!! I can do this. I feel very optimistic and that is HUGE for me.