A dark place today

Unfortunately today was a very very dark day for me. I am not exactly sure what triggered it but I have had another one of those days where I cry a lot about my weight. Last night was a wonderful night, we had our first "club" meeting for friends to talk about their struggles, body image, goals, and any other issues related to food and dieting. It was awesome to get together with my friends and just support each other. I can't make sense of why I woke up very depressed. I got up and while I was trying to get ready for church I felt really disappointed that my church clothe selection is limited, and most of what I do have is a little snug. Even my bigger clothes just don't fit right. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and felt like I look like a football player. I noticed that even my upper arms have noticeable cellulite on them. I told myself about 5 times, "Steph, you are more than your body. You are more than your size. You are more than this." I pulled it together and when to church. We always sit on the front row which is a horrible place to be if you lose your emotions. During the sacrament I just started crying. We had no tissues and I couldn't pull myself together. I was wiping snot and tears on my shirt sleeve and was really embarrassed. As soon as the sacrament was over we got up and walked out and I had tears streaming down my face. We came home and I cried for about 2 hours to my sweet husband is the biggest support I have. As I talked through my feelings I realized that all this time I still have some feeling of responsibility for my weight gain. I still feel like it's somehow my fault because I've cheated or I eat too much. I expressed that as I listened to my friends share their stories and things they want to work on I realized that for several months, I have been doing more than most of my friends in terms of exercise. I realized that I have been doing about an hour or more of exercise 4-6 days a week consistently for almost a year. I have been either counting points or calories straight for almost a year. I am not writing to judge my friends or say I'm better than them in any way, but just that I have gained significant amounts of weight compared to someone with a "normal" body despite exercising and keeping track of my calories. Sure, I have had my days where I eat 3 slices of pizza or half a dozen cookies, but those days are infrequent. Observing that a "normal" person who exercises half as much as I have and probably eats about the same or more than me hasn't gained 30 pounds in one year is extremely depressing to me because either I really don't have control over my weight and it's possible for me to balloon even more, or there is still something I'm not figuring out about my body and finding it's "lose" zone. Yes I have answers about my auto-immune disease but I still have a hundred questions like "Why am I still gaining weight????" "When will I be able to lose weight?" "Is there anything else besides Hashimoto's preventing me from losing weight?" "Am I eating the right foods and exercising enough? too much?" It is really really scary for me to weigh as much as I do. It is scary because every pound I gain seems like it takes me so far from my goal that I'm terrified I'll never be below a size 18, that I'll never weigh less than 200 pounds, that I'll never be able to hike and backpack the way I used to, and that I'll always be the fat girl. It is very scary for me to wonder how much weight I'm going to gain. I lost 60 pounds during college and am now almost 15 pounds higher than my heaviest in high school and when I lost all that weight I never dreamed I would even come close to the 200's and now I am wondering if I'll ever even get to 200 pounds. It is so scary to me. It is depressing. It is frustrating. I am tired of this trial. Even my endocrinologist doesn't have an answer for me. Your blood doesn't lie and my blood shows perfect numbers in every category except thyroid and my last numbers only showed I was on the low end of normal. Most people at my weight already have blood pressure issues and insulin resistance and she said I'm not even close to being insulin resistant which is abnormal for someone at my weight. I guess I should be grateful for my good health in that way but obviously being obese is its own health risk. I would even be content if my weight stabilized. I told Dan that I feel like if I gain 3-4 more pounds he's going to have to take me to the mental hospital because I honestly feel like I am on the verge of having a nervous breakdown, the kind where I would start throwing dishes and furniture and that is just not like me, but that's where I'm at. I put on a happy face and try to make the best of things and be happy and positive but sometimes this disease and weight take me to a very very dark place. I'm still crying off and on 9 hours later. This isn't for pity, but this blog is my place to record every step of my journey and this is a day in my life and my journey.