I'm sooooo tired!

This is Dan. Steph is laying next to me telling me what to type.  How many dudes do you know that blog? Something brilliant has happened two nights in a row.  I have fallen asleep without the aid of a book or a tv show.  For the past 3 years I've struggled with insomnia.  Not to blame everything on my thyroid, but, since I've been on medication for it I have noticed I fall asleep so much easier.  I'm so tired I'm making my husband type this.

We came to Idaho but have nothing but shameful things to write about in terms of food.   But since this is an honesty blog I will be honest and say I ate to the point of severe discomfort at a family outing to Craigo's Pizza.  I wasn't even hungry when we went in.  But somehow I managed to eat enough pizza and dessert pizza to make me want to curl up in the fetal position till morning.  It's been a long time since I've overeaten this much.  Maybe I need to read my overeaters anonymous book.  I know something about myself: big social functions = disaster for my eating.  I eat when I'm happy and surrounded by family and friends in a way that I would never eat when I'm alone.  I get so caught up in the excitement of the social interaction that the feeling of doing something special that I lose touch of fullness and hunger and seek to prolong the feelings of pleasure by eating and eating and eating...and eating.  This happens until I need a wheelbarrow to carry me out.  This habit has gotten better since being married because I am so much more content.  But, being back home in Idaho usually triggers these old habits of gorging myself.  After I conquered this habit during my undergrad I would get really angry and depressed when I would spend time at home.  I would get even more angry if my mom had food around.  I wanted to blame my family and their eating habits for my weight problem in high school.  Now that I am struggling with my weight again it seems that old habits of eating to prolong the feelings of pleasure rather than just enjoying company without food happens more regularly.  It is a very hard habit to break. I feel so full it reminds me of a time when my late friend Hollie went to Texas Roadhouse in high school and consumed baskets and baskets of rolls and french fries while talking about life and boys.  We could hardly move after and were sick all night.  I could name many other times this has happened.  It is worse than Thanksgiving dinner.  I guess the thing to learn from tonight is that just because your family takes you to a pizza buffet you don't have to eat pizza until you are sick.  Novel idea eh?

Now here is Dan and his experience with the pizza buffet.  I was full going into the pizza buffet.  I could have been content with going to bed not eating anything more for the day.  However, it turned out that the family was really wanting to eat and I thought it would be fun.  I was at first nervous because I hadn't brought my wallet because we had been doing family pictures beforehand.  But Steph's dad picked up the check.  At that point I felt almost obligated to stuff my face.  After I was full I was a bit self conscious because I didn't want to appear ungrateful.  So I did eat more than I would have wished to.  But for me I just have to chalk it up to an unusual circumstance.  For me food is not so emotionally charged.  It really wasn't hard for me to let it go.  The biggest consequences I think I will feel after this experience is what ever happens to me tomorrow morning in the bathroom and possibly having "tooting" competitions with steph all night.  Steph could have had a similar experience with tonight if it weren't for her past experience.  I always try and tell her and encourage her to diffuse her feelings around food.  It is not so much about positive and negative emotions as it is about the strength of the emotions.  When steph is happy about food she is really happy, but when she is sad she is really sad.  Most  of the time I put food in my mouth I get excited if it is something I like but I never get upset with myself or eating something.  That's because I think I have a healthy sense of apathy toward food.  I care enough about it to enjoy it and to feed myself but not enough so that it can potentially wreck my day.  I'm not trying to downplay the struggle some people have with food.  I'm just saying that maybe the solution is not to frantically beat one's self up but rather to attempt to diffuse the emotion to the point of healthy apathy.

Now this is steph again.  I get scared that if I don't fill myself with negative emotions and punish myself for overeating that I will give up and do binge eat every day.  That is just the psychology of my situation.  I'm not saying it is useful or not, that is just the process I go through.  It's times like tonight when I wish there was an eject button on the contents of my stomach because if I could get out all the extra food I would feel better.  If you actually do go for the eject button I guess that is what they call an eating disorder.  Don't worry I'm fortunate enough to no struggle with that.  If any of you reading can relate I strongly recommend the Overeaters anonymous book.  It is wonderful and can put a true binge into perspective.  I think journaling this way that I did tonight is more effective than counting calories.  Right now in this moment I feel like a failure.  After a person overeats like this there is so much fear that it will happen again.  Especially since it has been a long time since it happened.  Now there is a lot of fear that I will crash and eat like this every night.  The honest truth is that tonight I am reminded that I am a recovering food addict.